As long as I can remember, I’ve had one major problem: I can’t stick with anything.  Whether it’s an instrument or a sport, I always quit after a short amount of time.  This has always been an issue for me because consistency is key and, especially when you are young, it’s good to have something that you enjoy.  But somehow I managed to hate everything I tried.  It took me over 10 years, literally, to figure out why.

It started with piano when I was 5 years old.  Once a week, a woman (whose name I don’t remember) would come to my house and teach me how to play the piano.  I remember staring at the big clock on the wall, counting every second waiting for it to be over.  The more I was taught, the less interest I had in learning.  Getting me to practice was a chore.  After every lesson, I would beg my parents to let me quit.  After two years, they were fed up with my complaining and let me.  Interestingly enough, my neighbor, who is the same age as I am, started at the same time as I did with the same teacher is now apparently an incredible piano player.  Not only that, but apparently she enjoyed playing the piano somehow.  

After piano, I tried a series of other things: gymnastics, dancing, guitar, diving, swimming, painting, sculpting, acting in plays and many more.  But with no luck, I hated them all just after a few lessons.  What I realized at 9 years old, is that there was one thing holding my attention: the computer.  iMovie was my main interest.  I would spend hours alone making short clips of what I thought was funny (I now think it’s embarrassing) content.  I didn’t do anything with these videos.  I didn’t show them to anyone, I didn’t post them anywhere, I just made them.  It made me laugh and smile, but most importantly, I felt like I had a hobby that I was good at and I enjoyed.  The issue, however, was that I strongly resisted when my parents suggested I take a video editing or film-making class.  “But why?” I remember my mother asking me.  I couldn’t pinpoint the reason, not at the time at least.  When it was brought up, I danced around the topic, quickly changing the subject.

What I can tell you is the reason I hated everything else I tried.  It’s because of a combination of two things, the first being my anxiety.  My anxiety came into play in the fact that I don’t like competing.  The dive team was especially hard for me because I had to stand on the board all alone with all eyes on me.  However, even group sports freak me out, a thousand thoughts running through my head, ‘what if I mess up, what if everyone laughs at me or talks about me behind my back?’ 

This issue comes up, not only sports, but in most parts of my life.  Having anxiety has made it increasingly hard to do a lot of the things I want to do.  But more than anxiety, there was something else holding me back: I don’t like being told what to do.  At all.

I didn’t want to be controlled by someone other than myself.  There was something about playing an instrument (the way I was being taught at least) that made me feel like a puppet being tugged around by strings.  I knew that everything I was learning was, in a way, mimicking someone else that had already done it.  That’s not what being creative is to me.  Being creative to me is literally creating new things and ideas.  If I had a natural interest in something, the second I started taking lessons I didn’t like it anymore.  I didn’t feel like a puppet when I found iMovie and computers.  It was because it was all self driven.  It was powered by my natural curiosity and my instinct to teach myself things.  And now, years later, one might say I’m pretty good at editing.  Good enough, in fact, I graduated from iMovie and moved on to more advanced platforms, learning 100% by myself, the way I like it.  I still, however, don’t show them to anyone or share them anywhere. 

I don’t know why I have such a strong desire to be original and independent.  I guess it is simply who I am. Most people don’t understand how I like to learn, and that’s okay.  I’m completely and totally stubborn, and I’m completely and totally okay with it.  In fact, I kind of like it.