The moment the words left his mouth,
I knew things were different.
The way my heart lurched into my throat,
As if I was caught on a,
Way-too-fast,
Way-too-high,
Way-too-scary rollercoaster,
And all I wanted to do was raise my hand in the air,
The way the men running the baby rides,
Told me to do when I was little.
If I got to scared,
And I wanted,
Needed,
To get off at that very moment,
And couldn't wait until my feet touched the ground.
But I knew that was silly,
Because this rollercoaster was not for babies,
And my hands wouldn't move,
From where they were clutching the metal bar,
And if they did,
It wouldn't make any difference anyway.
Yes, that feeling was different,

The way my vision suddenly blurred,
As if my glasses had suddenly smudged,
But no matter how hard I rubbed them,
After I plucked them off my nose,
The blurring stayed.
All images melted into one another,
Turning the color of paint,
When the colors were mixed together wrong.
And that was when I realized that it wasn't my glasses,
But tears.
And even there tears,
Were different.

Tears that burned on my face,
And on my hands,
When I tried to brush them away from my lashes,
So I could see,
But my eyes kept refilling,
Again, and again,
Like an over-eager waitress,
Pouring you more and more water,
Right when you are about to write the check and leave.
Or the way a river runs,
Rushing down my face,
As if a faucet had been turned on,
And with my numb fingers,
I was unable to turn the knob.
And how even though I was labeled a chatterbox in school,
For that moment there was silence'
And that silence too was different.

Then for one split second,
My spirits were lifted,
Like throwing back curtains on a sunny day,
And for one amazing instant I let myself believe,
That it was all a joke,
A horrible, sick joke being played,
Wool being pulled over my eyes.
And all I could do was wait for the punch line to come,
But it never did.
And suddenly I realized'
And that realization was different.

It was different when I collapsed into his arms,
Like a worn out Raggedy Anne.
How we cried together,
Shoulders shaking with sobs.
How I realized that from that moment on,
Things would be different,

It would all be different.