I wanna be a bad bad girl. The kind that gets put in the corner only to be found on the ceiling. The kind that society disgraces only to create her own. When every ounce of kindness has evaporated I get the urge to do something undeniably, desirably stupid.

I wanna be the devil’s newest call-girl. I’ll stand at the crossroads of fate and wait for my customers. I will lure men and women alike with a curl of my finger and bared teeth, offering them a friendly smile. I will spin lies with my fingers and swear to take away the pain. The only requirement on their part is a kiss, just one little kiss sweetheart, no harm, and their souls will be mine for the taking. I will turn in my day’s work and receive a pat on the head from Lucifer himself. I will earn a spot sitting at the foot of his thrown and never retire from the game.

I want to dance on the graves of those I have betrayed. I will kick up their dust and scatter it in the wind, along with my laughter. I will tape dance on the surface above their coffins and leave a permanent set of scuffs. I will make my mark on them in death just as I did in life.

I wanna storm out and take to the streets. I will gather others like me, those who have felt the cold, and lead them through the fog. We will stand on cars and bash in windshields. We will leave no stone unturned, searching for freedom hidden under lies. We will cry and moan about the injustice that society has done to us. Above all, we will be the rebellion. We will be the riot.

I want to take a car, any car, and drive away from this place. I will go to the west coast and beyond that. I will plow through oceans and soar through deserts. It will be me and my four wheels, searching for a place that never feels the same as the destination before. Anywhere is better than here.

I wanna tear down the walls of others oh-so-carefully put up and invade their privacy. I will haunt their thoughts with my presence. I will loom outside of their perimeters. I will destroy boundaries with a wave of my hand. And when I’m gone, because they have chased me away, I will leave them broken.

I want to float to the top and never stop. I want to discard every sedative, every drop of alcohol and innocent little pill offered to me and cut my ties with gravity. I would discard everything weighing me down: baggage, insecurities, darkness, and fly high, higher than I’ve ever been off the ground before.

I wanna blow my brains out with the corruption of music. I want those who find me to see the walls of my room first; covered with the widest arrangement of colors there is. I want their eyes to trail down in horror and see that I still have headphones on, blasting music at a volume that can’t be measured. I want to still be twirling the cord in my fingers, wearing a smile so wide it threatens to crack my face apart while it mouths along to lyrics I’ve finally understood.

I want to be found and never returned. I want for someone to long for me, yearn for me. Someone who would lock us away from the world and depend solely on my existence to be their light. I want someone to hold me in their arms and never dare to let go for fear of me slipping away. I want them to flare with passion and never get tired of seeing me, only me, and that being enough for them.

I wanna yank out the section of my brain that feels jealousy and embarrassment with a pair of pliers. I want to grind it, no matter what size, and grind it into concrete with the heel of my shoe. I will just leave it empty space in my brain, prepared to act as storage to lock away the things that shouldn’t be remember.

I think about these things every day. The blood that rushes under my skin burns hot with impulse and desire. My fingers twitch and still I do nothing, because the good that could possibly come from my rash decisions would only last so long. But I will always long for a life without consequence, no matter how the thought makes my smile curl with chaos.