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Divided
November 27, 2016
Summary:
You're being held captive. Your enemy is ruthless, determined to get the information you know. You are determined as well- don't tell him a word, don't say anything. You cannot give up.
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Divided
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This book has 22 comments.
TheVoiceoftheSilent SILVER said...
on May. 29 2017 at 8:51 pm
First off, that was extremely intriguing. I find that short stories are rather tricky, as authors are trying to marry plot and character development much quicker. Your word choice and descriptions were incredible. I really felt as if I was watching all this play out. I also really liked the switching of points of view between chapters. However, you should be very careful with second person as many people won't tolerate on anything other than instructions and it is often poorly done. Thankfully, you did quite well with it, but I would recommend that you don't identify the "you" character as male, due to the fact that it is in second person and not every reader is male. What follows is just some notes that I took as I was reading. Chapter 1: Try to find a different word than "compatriots." It doesn't fit very well. Chapter 2: It is unclear whether the words in italics are dialogue or thoughts. If it is dialogue, use quotes then and throughout the entire story, as I noticed you shift. "inflicting pain, but" (add the comma) "Silent. All of them." (Put periods where the commas are, because periods are stronger and it enforces your point better.) Chapter 3: "So, once more,..." (the commas help the flow) Chapter 4: "The dark, tight spaces, pain..." (periods were too strong) Chapter 5: Instead of "my blood turns to liquid nitrogen" say "my blood chills" (liquid nitrogen is almost too descriptive that it doesn't fit)
wolvesandwilderness GOLD said...
on May. 17 2017 at 6:03 pm
Erm... not trying to sound rude, but why are you posting "needs more sauce" and "love is an illusion" on my story?
terriyakijohnson said...
on May. 17 2017 at 12:39 pm
love is an illusion
terriyakijohnson said...
on May. 17 2017 at 12:38 pm
needs more sauce
wolvesandwilderness GOLD said...
on Apr. 2 2017 at 1:29 pm
Wow. Thank you; this was extraordinarily helpful. I really do appreciate this. I cannot find how to edit this, only how to remove or add chapters, so I will make these changes in my own copy. Again, thank you for taking the time and being so thorough. The reason I chose second person was because it makes it easier to slip into someone's skin- for example, when profilers try to put themselves in a criminal's shoes, they often address them directly: "You did this" or "You were angry; you lost control". It allows someone to get in your head. After a lot of research, I've learned that mental and emotional torture is much more effective and far more likely to get the truth. So I used that. I chose the title because of a quote from a book I love: "They say a kingdom divided against itself cannot stand. They made no mention of the heart.” Golden Son, by Pierce Brown. So I thought, whose heart could be as divided as this? Betraying your cause and your people, or saving yourself from your own pain? Hence, "Divided". Again, thank you for this. It's extremely helpful.
addictwithapen PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 2 2017 at 12:33 pm
Overall: I’ll admit I was a bit wary when I saw that this was written in the second person. I have nothing against second person POV, other than that it is often done poorly and inconsistently. However, you did a good job with it. While the premise of this story (being held captive and tortured) has been done many times, you made yours a bit different with the twist at the end and by including the mental aspect of torture as well as the physical aspect. The thoughts of the “you” in the story and the clinical description of the enemy’s “procedures” are the strongest points. Consider changing the title. I assume “Divided” is a reference to how the captives were eventually divided among themselves, but the connection seems a bit weak. Maybe change it to something having to be with selfishness or breaking. Thank you for the opportunity to review your work. If you have any questions about my feedback, feel free to let me know.
addictwithapen PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 2 2017 at 12:32 pm
10. Nice twist at the end. Most readers probably would not expect the story to the taking place in the U.S.. Notes: + Delete “one last time”. It’s a cliché and the sentence is better without it.
addictwithapen PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 2 2017 at 12:31 pm
9. The description of “your” feelings about the betrayal in the first paragraph is good. Notes: + Change the dash after “insolent” to “but”.
addictwithapen PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 2 2017 at 12:31 pm
8. Notes: + Replace “them” in the first sentence with “the person” or something similar that is singular. + Remember the em dash
addictwithapen PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 2 2017 at 12:30 pm
7. Using emotion to torture the captives is an interesting addition. It breaks the pattern of physical torture and adds dimension to the story. Notes: + Remember the em dash.
addictwithapen PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 2 2017 at 12:30 pm
6. Making “He smiles” its own paragraph was a good choice. It neatly foreshadows the upcoming torture by betrayal. Notes: + Change “stamped on their features” to “stamped on his features” to maintain the singular. + Remember the em dash.
addictwithapen PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 2 2017 at 12:28 pm
5. Your description of “your” thoughts is intriguing. The repetition of “I’m next” and “They talked” adds to the sense of panicked monotony. Notes: + Remember the em dash.
addictwithapen PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 2 2017 at 12:28 pm
4. I like the use of the word “procedure”. It continues the metaphor of the enemy as a surgeon. Notes: + Moving the “all” in the sentence “Yet it’s surprising that with almost eight billion of them all, they have similar fears.” to read “Yet it’s surprising that with almost eight billion of them, they all have similar fears.” would improve flow.
addictwithapen PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 2 2017 at 12:27 pm
3. Good description. Notes: + Remember to use the em dash instead of a hyphen.
addictwithapen PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 2 2017 at 12:27 pm
2. I like the alternation between “your” point of view and that of the enemy. The comparison between the enemy and a surgeon is well done. Notes: + Change the “someone” in “to beat it out of someone” to “a person” to avoid repetition. + Consider adding a comma after “the one inflicting pain”, but it’s not strictly necessary. + Spaces between all paragraphs + Consider making the last sentence of the last paragraph (“But he’s had practice.”) into its own paragraph. I think this would add more impact, but it’s your choice.
addictwithapen PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 2 2017 at 12:25 pm
1. Nice beginning. The second paragraph is particularly strong. Notes: - Change “aiding” in the first paragraph to “aided”. - Don’t use a hyphen (-) for anything other than a hyphenated word. Within a sentence use an em dash (—), which can be obtained by pressing and holding the ALT key and then 0151. Do not put any spaces around the em dash. - Make sure there are spaces between all paragraphs. If you were to print this out, you would indent the paragraphs instead of spacing between them, but I’ve noticed that when posting on Teen Ink it is easier to space between paragraphs. - Change “was” in “you don’t know how long he was gone” to “is” to maintain present tense. - Add a “to” in front of “form” in the fourth paragraph.
wolvesandwilderness GOLD said...
on Jan. 29 2017 at 1:42 pm
Thank you. I'll definitely take this into account.
valkyrie1212 BRONZE said...
on Jan. 29 2017 at 5:08 am
Chapter 10: Very nice ending. The whole book was quite chilling. Again, the grammar and spelling etc are great. Your use of imagery was excellent - it made me feel, which means job well done! I found that at the end of every chapter, your last sentence was always similar to a punchline. It works sometimes, but not for every single one. It also gets a little tiring to read, and I half expected one everytime I clicked on a new chapter. Also, (if you have the time) maybe you could try rewriting the book in a third person point of view. This isn't criticism, it serves more as writing exercise! The thing is that the character isn't relatable, and when it is directed at the readers, it doesn't have that effect. I felt disconnected reading it, because I couldn't feel the character (essentially me). If you write it about using third person, then readers could feel more towards the character, creating a more effective response. You don't have to, of course! Other than that, this was a great story. I absolutely loved the change in chapters between 'You' and 'Him'. The imagery, as I said, is absolutely excellent - I gotta learn from you! And the ending was beautiful, I somehow ended up with a smile on my face! I really enjoyed reading this, and I hope more people will come across it :)
valkyrie1212 BRONZE said...
on Jan. 29 2017 at 4:54 am
Chapter 5: And here we take that familiar walk up to the top of the climax hill. Let's see what surprises we'll find at the peak! :) good chapter, there are some things I might point out but I'll just finish the book to see how it ties together :)
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