It’s Friday night. What do 17 year olds do on Friday nights? Yeah, you know. Because you have been there at some point in your teenage life. We party. We party from the time we get out of school until 5 in the morning. Sometimes even longer. What do we do when we party? That’s easy. We drink, smoke, and laugh. It’s so simple. It makes everything feel lighter and easier.
This week the party I’m headed to is at my ex’s house. So this should be interesting. Hopefully he’ll have gotten over it though and let me have some good weed. Everyone says weed is a gateway drug but that is bullshit. I’ve been at parties and been offered everything but I still have only done weed. Well, and some pretty hard alcohol but that doesn’t count.
After I get out of the shower and look through my closet 3 times trying to find something to wear I remember I just got a new shirt. I pull on my tightest ass-hugging skinny jeans and then go grab the shirt from the bag on my dresser. Black. Sleeveless. Silver snake skin print. It’s defiantly hot. Next is makeup. A lot of black eyeliner, lots of mascara and a little bit of purple eye shadow. Then to my hair. Straightened and put in a side pony-tail. Hell yeah.
When I get there the house is already packed. As I walk in the smell hits me right away and I already have a huge smile on my face. I see my best friend Auburn and walk over to her. As soon as I get there she says, “Let’s get drinks! I’m thirsty...” with a huge grin. We walk to the kitchen. We get beers and walk back out to the huge house I used to have access to whenever I wanted.
I need to find weed though. Drinks aren’t gunna be able to keep me sane forever. I’m looking for someone with a bong, pipe, joint…anything really and then I run into Aydenn. My ex. I knew I had to see him at some point tonight considering it’s his house but I was hoping we would both be high first. Oh well. Gotta do something, so I say, “Hey Aydenn! Do you have anything?” He knew what I meant right away.
“When don’t I Tay? Come with me.” I follow him up the familiar stairs, to his familiar room. I sit on his bed and wait for him to get it. Instead he sits next to me.
“What are you doing? Are you going to get it?”
“I miss you Taylor. I know I messed up but I love you and I miss you so much.”
“Ohmygod Aydenn don’t even start with this. You cheated on me. It’s not like you just kissed another girl. You had sex with her. We hadn’t even had sex. So don’t do this because we are not getting back together,” I snapped, but the truth was I still loved him. And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a secret.
“Fine. It was worth a try.” He said with a slightly disappointed tone.
“Can you get the weed now please?” He stood up.
“Yeah. Sure.” He handed me his pipe and a small container of heaven. I took 5 or 6 hits. “Thanks Aydenn. I’ll be back for more later.” And smiled. As I went downstairs I could feel it kicking in. I was suddenly happy. I didn’t need to think. I was on top of the world. Floating. Smiling. Dancing like there was no tomorrow. And loving every single minute of it.
I drank more. Smoked more. The roof was spinning. The floor was spinning. I was spinning. Everyone and everything was spinning. Soon I realized the house was emptying slowly. What time was it? I checked my phone. Five-thirty. Wow. I should probably get home. I went upstairs to Aydenn’s room to get my purse. I always left it there when there was a party. I knew exactly where it was. As I stumbled out of his room he was walking up the stairs. I just barely heard his, “Where are you going? You’re too trashed to go anywhere Tay.” So I kept walking. Then he stepped in front of me. I tripped down a stair and he caught me. I looked him in the eyes and saw the true worry. “Taylor you’re staying here tonight. I’m not risking you getting hurt driving home.”
All the sudden I was furious. “Don’t tell me what to do you prick! I will drive home if I want to drive home and you’re not going to stop me! I don’t want to stay in this hell hole of memories that I don’t want to remember!” I sank to the ground. I was sobbing. I’ve only cried in front of Aydenn once and it was because my dad died. A good reason to cry. Crying because of something that happened over a month ago is not.
“Tay. I love you. I’m so sorry about what happened. I wasn’t thinking and it was stupid. So stupid. I love you so much.”
“I love you too Aydenn. I don’t forgive you though…” I was still crying but softly now. Not uncontrollably where I can’t even breathe.
“Please stay here tonight. I don’t want you getting hurt. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you baby. I wouldn’t want to live anymore,” He said with tears in his eyes.
“Okay.” I said, now just sitting there breathing. Being lifted into Aydenn’s arms, being carried back up the stairs, being put into his bed. Feeling his arms around me, being kissed softly by perfect lips on the forehead, hearing “I love you” whispered right up against my ear. Then black. I didn’t dream when I slept tonight. Just blackness and silence. I must have been exhausted.

As I opened my eyes I first saw some Tylonol and a glass of water on Aydenn’s dresser. I opened the bottle took three of the small pills and drank all of what was in the glass. When I sat up I saw Aydenn sitting on the couch in this room watching TV. He turned to look at me. “Well good afternoon sleepyhead.”

“Huh? Afternoon? What time is it?” I turned to look at the clock. “It’s three?! Why didn’t you wake me up?! Oh s***, my mom is going to kill me!” I jumped out of bed to fast I had to sit back down to regain my balance. Then I stood up and started to run out the door, but before I could get out the door Aydenn’s arms were around my waist pulling me back. He turned me around and pulled me in. We just stood there with me in his arms for a couple minutes. “I really need to go Aydenn,” I whispered.

“Why babe? You used to stay over all the time when we were dating. You’re mom will understand.” He complained.

“Yeah I know that, but as far as my mom knows we’re broken up remember? And she didn’t know I went to a party last night. So no, she won’t understand. I’ll tell her we’re back together though and then either come over later or tomorrow okay baby?”

“Ugh okay. I’ll miss you,” he admitted with a sad look that almost made me stay.

“I love you Aydenn.” I kissed him. It started off as just a kiss but then it turned into the most soft, sweet thing in the world. The type of kissing that should be illegal because all girls feel like their heart is going to explode when it’s happening.

“I love you too, Taylor. I love you too.” My heart was racing when I walked down the stairs, out the front door, and into my car. When I got in the car I smiled the biggest smile I have ever smiled. Then I laughed a little bit, turned up the music, and started to drive home.

As I drove home I knew my mom was going to be worried and pissed. I was ready to be yelled at. I was ready to be grounded. I walked in the door and my mom was waiting by the door. I knew she would be. She always does when I don’t come home. Or if I’m late or anything along those lines. “Hi mom,” I said with a guarded tone.

“Sweetie! Where have you been?! I was so worried! Where were you?! Are you okay? You’re not hurt are you?” Obviously very worried.

“I was at Aydenn’s house. I’m fine. No I’m not hurt! Why would-“

She cut me off. “Did you say Aydenn’s house? Why were you there? You guys broke up.”

“We did break up. But then I went to his house last night ‘cause he was having a lot of people over and we were all hanging out there. Then it was really late and he said I could stay the night and…now we’re back together.” It almost sounded like a question because I was so worried about what she was going to say.

“Did you guys use protection?” She looked worried now.

“Protection?! Mom! We didn’t have sex! I’m a virgin! God why would you think that?!” I was so embarrassed. She knows I’m a virgin.

“Well it’s weird for you to stay the night at your ex boyfriends house. I didn’t know! “

“Not my ex anymore.” I said with another huge smile. Where was this coming from? I guess I didn’t realize how much I missed him.

“Alright. Well, I’m happy for you. I like Aydenn. He’s good for you.”

“I know.” I walked up the stairs to go soak up all this happiness. As soon as I was in my room with the door closed I called Aydenn. I told him what my mom said.

With the phone against my ear I heard, “Taylor I need you to come over. Now. I need to tell you something.” It sounded like he was crying.

“Okay baby. I’ll be right there.” I hung up the phone feeling worried. I ran down the stairs yelling, “I’m going to Aydenn’s,” to my mom. I ran out the door, into my car, speeding down the road, into Aydenn’s driveway, out of my car, into Aydenn’s house, up the stairs, into his room.
I knew it. I knew he was crying on the phone. He was sitting on his bed crying. Hard. I walked slowly to him and sat on the bed next to him. He pulled me into his arms, onto his lap. “What’s wrong? What’s going on?” I asked.
“My mom got in an accident. She died before the paramedics got there.” More sobbing.
“Ohmygod Aydenn. I’m so sorry baby.” Then we were both crying. I felt bad for him. His dad killed himself when Aydenn was three. Too many drugs. Both of his parents were only children, no aunts or uncles. All of his grandparents were dead. He didn’t have any family. None. He was the only one. He was alone.
We were lying on his bed. I had stopped crying a while ago but he was still had silent precious tears coming out of his eyes. I was lying next to him with my head on his chest. I didn’t want to talk. Didn’t want to make him anymore upset by accidentally saying something. I barely felt his lips on my head.
I looked up and smiled at him. He half smiled back. I stretched my neck to bring his lips to mine. It started as a kiss. Then making out. Then his shirt off. Then mine. His lips were all over me. Mine were all over him. Then when our lips came back together we both smiled.
I knew he wanted to go farther. And he knew I didn’t, and he respected that. Thank god. If he didn’t I would have lost my innocence a long time ago when we first started dating. Probably the first time we made out. 8th grade. You think you know how to do everything. But in reality, you know nothing.

I love him so much. I’ve loved him forever. We have liked each other since 5th grade. Everyone knew we would end up together but we didn’t think we would. We both thought the other thought we had coodies. Ha. I miss being young. When getting into trouble meant having a toy taken away. When drama was stealing someone’s crayon. When boys weren’t obsessed with sex.

“Taylor?” I heard Aydenn say annoyed. He probably said something and then repeated it a few times and I still didn’t respond. He knows I daydream a lot but it’s annoying to him when I don’t agnolage him. It would annoy me too. I feel so badly when I do that. I can’t help it. It’s an issue.

“Sorry. What?” I looked up with an apologetic look.

“I said I love you.” He said looking kind of like he felt unimportant.

“I love you too baby. I’m sorry. You know I can’t help it.” I kissed him softly.

“I know baby girl. I know. It’s okay.” He said sounding like he felt a little bit better. I feel bad. I really do. I honestly can’t help it. I kind of black out in a way. I can’t hear anything anyone is saying to me. I stare at one spot and it can last for 10 seconds or 10 minutes. It’s really annoying. Aydenn started talking again. “So my mom’s lawyer called me and said that on her will she gave me the house.” His voice cracked when he said “mom”. I felt so bad. I knew what it was like to lose a parent. But at least I still have one of mine.

“The house huh? That’s big. Are you gunna keep it or sell it? If you wanna sell it so you have some money you could probably move in with me.”

“I was actually thinking about keeping it. I know it’s big for one person but it’s totally paid off so it would be stupid to sell this nice house and go get a little crappy apartment.”

“Oh. Well that sounds like a good idea to me.”

“I thought so. And that way I have my own place and you can come over whenever you want and spend the night and stuff.”

I knew what he was getting at. I don’t think I’m going to be a virgin for very much longer. And honestly, the thought didn’t scare me as much as it usually did. So I said, “Okay babe, cool.” As I drove home I thought about losing something so sacred. I was 17. Most of my friends weren’t virgins so it had to be okay. Right? It wasn’t like I could keep it forever. And if I could I didn’t want to.

I got home and went to go change into my favorite sweats and tank top. When my mom and I were eating dinner I told her about Aydenn’s mom and about the house. She was sad about Aydenn’s mom. About the house on the other hand...she was a little worried. She didn’t want me staying over there a lot because I was getting older and she didn’t want me getting into trouble. Of course she assumed that. But this time when she did, she was right.

After dinner I went upstairs and laid in bed. After about five minutes I was asleep. I had a dream that Aydenn cheated on me again. I woke up crying with my pillow soaked. I went downstairs to get some water and calm down. I was heading back upstairs and I heard my phone ring. I ran upstairs so it didn’t wake my mom up. It was Aydenn. Why was he calling me at three in the morning? Hmm. Better answer it. “Hello?”

“Hey. I didn’t wake you did I?” he asked sympathetically.

“No. I was up. Weird dream. Couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh. Well are you okay? What was it about?”

“Umm you cheated on me again. Doesn’t really matter.”

“Oh. Taylor I would never do that. You know that right? I love you and only you.”

Smiling I said, “I know Aydenn. Anyways, what are you doing up? Why did you call?”

“I had a dream my mom was alive. It seemed so real.” He was crying again. Every time he cried my heart broke. I hated seeing him like this. It hurt me just as much as it did him. “I just needed to hear your voice. You make me so calm.”

“It’s okay sweetie. I know it seems like the whole world is collapsing right now but it’s not. It’s going to be okay. I promise you.”

“I know. I know. Right now it seems like there is nothing I can do though.”

“I know. Are you okay to go back to sleep? I’m so tired. I need to sleep.”

“I know, love. Go to sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you Taylor.”

“I love you too Aydenn.” I hung up, plugged my phone in and hopped in bed. I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Another dreamless night.

Exactly two weeks until summer is over, so even though it’s a Sunday, Aydenn and I are celebrating. With what? Beer and that magical green plant. I tell my mom I’m spending the night at Aydenn’s and she is surprisingly okay with it.

When I get to his house we get right down to it. Beer. Weed. More beer. More weed. Then Aydenn surprises me. We are downing our third beer when pulls a small plastic bag out of his pocket and says, “So babe. I got us a something special for tonight. Since it’s just you and me and everybody else isn’t here to ask for some.”

“Okay, what is it?” I asked curiously.

“Umm, it’s some coke.” And he obviously wasn’t talking about the drink.

“Coke? As in Cocaine? Babe, what were you thinking when you got this? You know I only smoke weed.”

“I know but I was thinking that maybe we could try something different. We know what weed feels like. We know how to control ourselves when we’re high on it. Why not take a small risk? And not a lot of people get addicted the first time they do Coke. It’s not like its Meth.”

Why do I think this is a slightly good idea? Why am I suddenly feeling the urge to set up a couple lines and burn up my nose? I don’t know why, and since I don’t, I say, “Okay.”

Next thing I know Aydenn has a mirror on the table and 2 short lines for us. He hands me a straw. “Do you want me to go first?”

“Yeah. Defiantly.”

“Well…here goes nothing.” As he snorted I could tell it pained him. His eyes watered and he crumpled his nose. My turn now I guess. I didn’t even think about what I was about to do. I just did it. It hurt. But it also felt good. It felt like it was releasing things from my brain that didn’t need to be there.

Half an hour later and we are on top of the world. We are making out, and I’m ready to do the dirty. This is our typical making out and I’m tired of it. Both of our shirts off. Lips and hands all over. Suddenly this isn’t enough. I want him. All of him. “Baby, I’m ready.”

“Are you sure? We don’t have to.” He said it obviously happy but also with a slight worry that didn’t want me to make the wrong decision.

“Yeah. I’m sure. I love you and trust you 100 percent. Please don’t change your mind now. I want you. And that is all I want.”

“Of course I’m not going to change my mind! I love you Taylor.” And then I was no longer the innocent little girl I always knew myself to be…