09
Lunch time is almost over, and I’m with her in the business office. We’re both silent. Neither of us wants to say anything… because we both know that no matter what we say at this point… it meant “goodbye.” Her stepmom is at the counter, finalizing everything. I completely forget that Laurie is there with me. Right now, the only one in that office that matters to me is her; my soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend… Krys.

She’s moving away… or rather, she already moved. I knew it too, and I was fine by it… not really. But for the past few weeks that she had been gone, I never showed any reaction to it. I was so ready to let go of her… or so I thought. Seeing her again today… hurt even more than her leaving without saying goodbye… because looking into her eyes the way I am now, and seeing the way she looks at me… we both know that neither of us are ready to let go. I still loved her. Then seeing the girl I loved more than anything and anyone in the world, hearing her voice that was once my song, and standing once more in her presence for the last time… knowing it was the last time I’d ever see her… it was just so unfair.

“I’ll call you,” she says, smiling weakly at me.

“Yeah, and there’s always gaia, right? We’ll keep in touch,” I attempt to smile back, but deep down I already know it’s over.

“Are you going to miss your friend, Pauline?” asks Mary, the campus aid.

We both nod. Suddenly the bell rings. I’m frozen and so is Krys. It takes me a moment to realize that there’s no movement outside. Mary and Laurie are completely still. Time and space stops as Krys and I both stand there just staring. I don’t know whether or not I’m imagining it, but I think I see a tear roll down her cheek. Before I can say or do anything, time unfreezes and everyone’s moving again.

“There’s the bell,” Mary says as I turn my head to look at her, “you girls had better get to class.” ‘Girls???’ Right… again, I completely forgot Laurie was in there with me.


I turn back to say one last thing to Krys, but whatever it was that I wanted to say was completely forgotten once I found myself in her embrace. I’m tense, but that’s because I’m trying to keep myself from shaking. I was almost shocked that Mary didn’t attack us with the “No PDA!” rule, but then I realize that she doesn’t know we’re a (soon-to-be-broken-up) couple. We were both girls after all.

Before Krys lets me go, she whispers into my ear, “Daisuki.” [I Love You]

I can’t take it anymore. As soon as she releases me, I bolt out the door without a word. I start walking to class convincing myself to hurry up because I was going to be late, even though I knew I wasn’t. Before I know it, Laurie is next to me and I try not to show any signs of weakness. Finally, I turned right into the main building while she walked in the direction of the science building. Next thing I know, my vision is blurred. And I think I heard Kathy pass me asking if I was okay.

I can’t remember walking into Emberson’s classroom. One second, I’m walking in the hall, and all of a sudden, I’m sitting at my desk; head down and bawling. I’m pretty sure it was Kollin, Christie, and the substitute Mr. Furman, that were asking if I was okay. It didn’t matter though. She was gone. No matter what we did from this point out, I knew it was all over. I lift my head slightly as my tears slow down, when what she said plays back in my head. Then my tears return to me and I put my head back down.

I love you too…


10


I’m talking to Jovita on the phone again. We’re talking about how our other friend hasn’t been much of a good friend lately. We haven’t talked much since even 7th grade, until I finally got her cell phone number. Now we try to talk as much as possible. We were both juniors in high school, so there was a LOT to catch up on, especially now, since I left California earlier this year.


“So how are you Zaichik?” she says.


“I told you, I’m not a damn rabbit, Jovita,” I say in an irritated voice.


“Yeah you are. You’re my Zaichik,” she says tauntingly.


“Ha. Ha. You’re hilarious. Anyway, get this: I’m coming home for Christmas!!!”


“Really? Awesome! I will kidnap you, and we will run away to Russia!”


“Riiight. To the so-called ‘Motherland,’ I suppose?”


“Precisely,” she says.


I hear my aunt call me from downstairs, “Oh hey, I gotta go eat dinner. I’ll talk to you later, alright?”


“Yeah, okay.”


We both stay on the phone for a while waiting for the other to hang up. I don’t want to hang up. After another moment or two of awkward silences, I speak up and say, “Well later,” and then I hang up. I bring my cell phone up close to me for a second and sigh.


I’ve been worrying about Jovita nonstop for the past few weeks. Every time I hear anything about her being bullied etc, I suddenly get mad and protective. And for months, I’ve been trying to decide whether or not it was because I’ve known her for so long, or if it was because I may have developed a crush on her. But I decided that on my way home for the holidays, as soon as I saw her, if my heart was beating as fast as it was now, I was going to tell her how I felt… Not because I wanted her to return my feelings, but because I promised her that I wouldn’t keep any secrets from her, no matter what the circumstances were.



As soon as I feel the jolt of the plane hit the ground, I immediately wake up. I’m here, I thought. I feel the plane slow to a stop. As the other passengers start getting up, I make sure I have everything. I shove Keeping You a Secret into my carry-on bag, and get off the plane.


Mom nearly suffocated me in a hug when she caught sight of me in the crowd. The entire way home, she kept on updating me on how things were at the house while I was gone, and how our new house has a pool, although it wasn’t like I could swim anyway, since it was December. When we arrived at the house, I got out of the car staring at the new house. It was nothing like the old shack back in Tweaker Town Taft.


After looking around the new house, and paying excessive attention to my cat and dog, I told my mom that Jovita was going to be over soon to explore the new neighborhood with me.


“Jovita’s coming?”


“Yeah, is that alright?” I ask from over my shoulder while washing dishes.


“It’s fine, but what about Gabily?” I return my attention to the dishes and stay silent. Mom doesn’t know that Jovita and I have broken everything off with Gabily, “I would think she’d be the one knocking at our door to kidnap you at any second, not Jovita.”


“Gabily’s just busy. I think she was visiting relatives in Washington or something,” I lied.


Before she could say anything else, there was a knock at the door. It was Jovita. I ran to the door, and answered. Jovita was standing there in a jacket (was it really that cold? I guess once you spend winter in Massachusetts, California’s cold days are never cold) and before either of us were able to say anything, I practically tackled her, smothering her in a hug as we both fell onto the front lawn. It took us a while to get back up since I was laughing so hard and she was still getting over the shock of being tackled.


When I heard my mom coming to the door to say hi to Jovita, I quickly stood up, pulling Jovita back up with me, dusting off the dead grass from our clothes. We straightened up just in time for Mom to say her usual greetings. Mom and Jovita exchanged the usual regards, and we headed inside.






“So how long are you visiting in state?” Jovita asked casually when we were heading back out for the walk. Neither of us had said a word since she got to the house.


“Ten days. I leave again January 4th”


“I see,” she looks down, “so… what?”


“Huh?”


“You normally have a ton of stories to tell whenever I see you. Anything interesting?”


I laughed a little, “Right, right. Well let’s see…”


As we walked, I told her about what it was like in the east coast. We talked about their whacked out school system and how they go by “blocks” and not “periods.” Then the subject switched to the stores and how there was no such thing as an “Alberton’s.” We discussed the different clubs, and how I was now in GSA without my aunt knowing.


Unlike our other friend Gabily; my supposed-best-friend, Jovita was more accepting of me being a lesbian. It wasn’t like Gabily yelled at me or told me it was wrong or anything. She just claimed to be okay with it, but I noticed that since I told her, she was suddenly wary of my presence at certain times. I could tell that she was trying to make herself believe that her best friend wasn’t a queer. When I told Jovita, I was terrified that I’d get the same reaction, but if anything, we got to be even closer while at the same time, Gabily grew apart from both of us.


While we continued our exploration of the new neighborhood, the sun moved behind a couple of clouds and it got darker. After walking for about eight blocks, we sat down on a bench for a break, and sat in silence for a while. I couldn’t think of anything to say and apparently, neither could she. When I looked over at her, she was breathing warm air into her hands and shivering.


She noticed me watching her and said, “What?”


I just shook my head, got up, unzipped my jacket (that mom wouldn’t let me leave the house without) and handed it to Jovita. When she looked up at me, I turned my face the other way. My heart was suddenly pounding again, “Y’know, if you’re cold, you should just say so.” I tried not to sound nervous, so instead, my words came out sounding slightly irritated.


“Are you sure? Aren’t you cold?”


“I’ve been up in Boston for winter. There’s snow there. This is nothing compared to that.”


She smiled, and took the jacket, “Thanks.”


“You don’t need to thank me,” I say still facing the other way, “Well, let’s keep walking then. You need to get your body temperature up.”


As we began walking again, the sun came back out from behind the clouds. My heart still kept on pounding, but something suddenly felt off as soon as we turned the corner. A cold chill suddenly began to creep its way up my spine. Suddenly, I grew more aware of my surroundings as if I was expecting something to happen. In attempt to shake off that cold chill continuously unnerving me, I tried to ignore the rising paranoia within me by telling Jovita how I was going to be home for senior year.


“Really? That’s awesome! I will steal you!”


“Yeah, and you can help me with history,” I joke, trying to stay calm, “while I torment you with math equations!!! HA! HA! HA!”


As we passed by more and more houses, the anxiety didn’t go away, but grew instead. House after house, the hairs on the back of my neck began to stand up. Suddenly, I felt as if all the heat had left my body in an instant when I heard the sound of a door close. Jovita, still unaware of what was going on, was surprised when I started becoming unresponsive to whatever it was she was saying when I stopped dead in my tracks at the faint sound of – what I had believed was—my name being called.


“Pauline? Hey, are you okay?” I don’t respond. “Zaichik??? Hellooooo? Hey, Pauline!”


Then off to our left, I hear another voice, “Pauline…?”


Jovita looks in the direction of the other voice. So it wasn’t a hallucination… I’m still frozen. I hear footsteps heading in our direction. I begin shaking slightly. I want to run, but I can’t so instead, I stand there, staring at the ground.


“So it is you,” the other voice says.


I hear Jovita say, “Who are you?”


My heart stops. I feel heavy; like a dead weight. I manage to turn my head to the other person. Jovita is startled by my sudden movement. The other person and I lock eyes. I feel a pain in my chest and grit my teeth.


“Long time no see, Pauline. How long has it been? A year?”


Actually, it’s been almost two years now. Jovita stands silently watching me. It takes everything I’ve got to not run away, or scream. I clench my fists and stand my ground,

“Hi Krys.”

I was stepping out of the shower when the phone rang. I grabbed my towel, and wrapped it around me. My hair still dripping wet, I ran out of the bathroom for the phone. I’m not normally one who is fond of talking on the phone, and raising the phone bill. In fact, I hardly even used the phone at all, but I had been expecting my best friend to call forever. Considering the fact I didn’t have a cell phone, I had to keep on checking the landline.

Ella and I have been best friends for three years. I met her in 6th grade, but we didn’t really associate with each other much at first. It wasn’t until sometime after the first semester ended, and I found her by herself, which was odd, because she was always with her friend, Sammie.

I, on the other hand was always a type of loner. I didn’t have a specific group or anything. I didn’t just sit in a corner though. I sometimes hung out with random people, whose names I never seem to remember. I just popped into random groups. I came and went as I pleased. I didn’t bother with anyone, and they didn’t bother me. It was a pretty decent set up.

But on that day I saw Ella by herself sitting on that bench, I had nothing else better to do, so I decided to see what was up. I remember I had said hi, and in a split second, Ella was pouring out everything that happened with her and apparently, her “ex-best friend,” Sammie.

“She’s such a jerk! We get to Jr. High, she makes a few new friends, and then decides to treat me like trash!” she had said.

“Uh, yeah that sucks,” was all I could say. Hey, people didn’t normally spill at me like I was their therapist, so how would I know how to react? Next thing I knew, she was crying. Did I make her cry? Crap! That’s what I get for trying to be nice! Why am I so bad at socializing!?!

“That traitor. It’s so unfair…” she had said.

I was desperate at this point. I couldn’t just leave the girl alone to wallow in her misery. That would be cruel. Plus, I already started talking to her (and possibly was the one that made her cry) so no choice but to stay, right?

“C’mon. Tell you what, you can hang with me until out figure out what you’re gonna do, okay? Now stop crying.” I always had this reputation for being mean and heartless and evil and… well you get the point. But most of that was to keep people away, since I was always bullied in elementary school. When I got to Jr. High, I kind of depended on my image of being mean. I didn’t want to be bullied again, so I put on a scary image as a defense mechanism. And so far, it worked.

In reality though, I was really very scared of other kids since I got beaten up by a group of high school students. They happened to be the older older siblings of a few kids that I got suspended; I reported them for harassment. By the time I reached 6th grade, I didn’t want to show any signs of weakness, or in this case, my nice side. It’s not like I bullied anyone myself, or was mean to anyone in particular. I just wasn’t the nicest kid on campus. Ella was probably the first one I was at least “half nice” to.

After that day she hung around me, I figured she’d eventually go off on her own, and I’d be back to being a loner. However, that wasn’t the case. Next thing I knew, she started talking to me in band. (I didn’t even know I was in band with her). We began talking about random stuff like “Why Baker Needs to Quit Her Job,” or “Hayao Myazaki’s Movies Rule.”


Before I knew it, we had exchanged phone numbers, and I was going to her house a lot. (I lived in a crummy apartment, so I never invited her over). It was great. Then we had one addition to our group; my drawing rival Jovi. We never wanted anything to end. But in 7th grade, November 3rd, 2006 to our disdain, it did. Or at least for me, it seemed that way. That was my last day in Greenfield Jr. High. I had to say goodbye to Ella and Jovi. Over the years, I didn’t keep in contact with Jovi as much as I did with Ella.


After I left Bakersfield, we still hardly got to speak to each other at all. We had been emailing each other, but it still wasn’t really the same. There would be 7 month long gaps in between where we wouldn’t hear from each other at all. As time passed, we hardly really knew each other. In the rare time we’d talk on the phone, she’d say things like I got less angry, and I’d point out how she suddenly stopped cussing. I finally got another email from her today saying she was going to call, which is why I was bursting out of the bathroom for the phone.

I looked at the caller ID 800 Services. Damn, I wished she’d just hurry up and call, so I wouldn’t have this paranoia of missing her call to the point where I’m running around the house in a towel.( Luckily for me, my parents weren’t home, and my brother never left his room). I picked up the phone, clicked the “talk” button, and said, “Stop calling us! Why do you think we never answer!?!” Off.

I put the phone back down onto the receiver, and headed back into the bathroom to get some clothes on. It was already September, and it was cold. I didn’t want to miss her call because of pneumonia, or whatever.

After getting dressed, I came back, grabbed the phone, and walked into my room. I set the phone down onto my dresser and stared at it, waiting for it to ring. Nothing. Minutes passed by. Then an hour passed, but still nothing. Bored out of my mind, I began to fiddle around with my Yamaha keyboard, playing random tunes like Gomenasai by t.A.t.U. Another hour passed and I started drawing, then writing poetry, then resorted to even sewing. I was that bored. Eventually, I dozed off. How long? I have no clue.

I needed to talk to Ella. There was so much to discuss; so much I needed to tell her. So much had happened since our last conversation in January. There was something I never got to mention the last time we talked. I had been meaning to call her for months, but couldn’t figure out what to say. Or rather, I was afraid of telling her. She was my first real friend I ever had. I didn’t want to risk losing my best friend. But I couldn’t keep this from her. She was my best friend, so I had to tell her. But what would her reaction be if I did tell her? Either way, it’s now or never. Ella needed to know. She had the right to know… that I was gay.


I was suddenly awakened by the sound of the phone ringing right next to my ear. How the phone managed to move from my dresser to my bed was beyond me. Slightly irritated, I glanced at the clock; it was 11:08 pm. Probably Mom calling to remind me to lock all the doors. Still half asleep, I answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Lina!!! How could you!?!”

“What?” it took me a moment to realize it was Ella, “Wait… Ella?”

“Uh, yeah, who’d you think it was, your mom?”

On the contrary, yes, but I didn’t tell her that, “My bad. You woke me up. I’m still kinda groggy. What’s up?”

“Why don’t you tell me?” she sounded really pissed off.

“What’re you talking about?” Crap, did she find out about me before I got to tell her?

“Why didn’t you tell me you were dating? Lina Perez, how could you not tell your best friend?”

“Uh, what?” How the hell did she find out! Dammit!

“Someone, whose name I will not mention, told me you were dating this guy named Chris. How long has this been going on? How long have you been dating him?”

Great. She got into the rumors of TUHS. I wasn’t dating Chris, but I was dating, “Uh, I’m not currently dating anyone, Ella. Not anymore, at least.”

She calmed down a bit at least, “Oh, I’m sorry… Did Chris dump you?”

This is where it was going to be tricky. How was I supposed to tell her like this? Can this get any worse? I can’t just say, ‘I rejected Chris ‘cuz I was gay!’ I can’t just say that!

“I was dumped, but not by Chris. I never dated him.”

There was a moment of silence before she said, “Okay, then who were you dating? I just have to know the name of ‘Lina’s Boyfriend.’”

“Not my boyfriend.”

“Fine, ‘Male Companion/Lover’ how’s that?” she was being sarcastic now. Dammit, quit kidding around, Ella!

“Okay, let me just tell you what happened. When I moved here, so many guys asked me out, and as I’ve told you in our past conversations, I never said yes to any of them. Then I reached high school. Then a really close friend of mine asked me out… Tina.”

Silence. Great, she thinks I’m a freak. I should have just shut up. I was going to ask if she was still there, but then she spoke up, “So a chick asked you out? So what did you say?”

I couldn’t believe how dense she was. It was torturous! “I said yes.”

Out of all the reactions I thought she’d give, she said something I wasn’t prepared for, “Why?”

Could this get any more awkward? I mean really! Why else would I say yes? Is coming out to your best friend always this difficult and weird? “She was a really close friend of mine, and I kinda liked her too. So Tina and I dated for a few months, then she moved. The End. Subject change!”

There was a long pause. I thought Ella hung up on me. But then Ella interrupted the silence before I pressed the “off” button.

“Uh, Lina…. You do know this makes you a lesbian—“

“Yes! I am aware of this! I figured that out already when I was holding hands with a girl, walking home! And yes, I do in fact; realize that I am now labeled as a dyke! ”

“Okay, okay. Um, Lina… this is insanely awkward now—“

“I agree.”

“--but you have to know that I’m fine with it. My family can’t know about it though, since you wouldn’t be allowed to hang out with me anymore, but promise me one thing.”

“Sure.”

“I don’t want you to believe you were born that way. And that it was a choice you made, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”


Hours passed since I told Ella I was gay. It all turned out fine, I guess. Except there was one thing I didn’t understand. Why did she put so much emphasis on my conversion being a choice? Well, I finally got to come out to one more person. I got to keep my best friend, and she was really accepting. Nothing changed… right?

“We’re going to see Mama and Papa today, so I want you to be on your best behavior.”


In other words, be a robotic droid so you can show off your trophy, “Okay, Mom.”


“No talking about darkness or those demons,” I’m not in 7th grade anymore, Mom. I’m in high school already. I nodded back at her, but she just continues, “Don’t say anything in front of the family that would make me look bad.”


“Yeah,” I get it already! Shut up!


“Be positive. Make me proud.”


“Uhuh.”


It was the same stupid routine as always. Go visit grandparents, serve as their dog, and go home feeling like I have no free will. My name is Nika, and I’m 15 years old. I’ve got a 5 year old brother, Roy… or rather, half brother. We have the same mother, and that’s it.


Usually, every time my grandparents were in the state, we’d go over and visit them. Not just us, but everyone else in the family would too. My uncles and aunts that were in town all came. My mother and I, however, lived in a different town, so my mom was always a little more desperate to see them. Roy and I would be taken out of school just to see them. Normally, most teenagers would love to skip school, but that wasn’t my case. I’d rather take a five page history test than to see my relatives. They say you could always be yourself around family, but that statement couldn’t be any more false for mine. Anyway, since my mom happened to be the least successful out of “the siblings,” in order to make up for it, I had to be more “perfect” than my cousins. These family reunions were more like trophy shows, where the adults would show off their kids’ accomplishments. That’s what we were about to do now.


I stared blankly out the window and watched the telephone wires. What? I need something to stare at when I don’t want to see my mother, let alone talk to her. I reclined the passenger seat backwards and turned over to my side, while switching on my iPod. Before Mom started talking again, I started blasting In the End by Linkin Park. At this point, I didn’t care if I went deaf. It’s better than listening to a 42 year old Asian woman ranting at me about nothing.


Ever since the beginning of my sophomore year, she’s been even more anal about everything when we went to see her parents. For three years, she stopped lecturing me during these drives, but ever since she heard about a small rumor at school of me dating this girl, she went back to lecturing me like I was in Middle School.


I heard my mom a little through my headphones asking if I was paying attention. I shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep. She continued on for a while, then eventually gave up and left me alone. This was our relationship as Mother and Daughter. She just left me alone while I did my own thing, minding my own business and ignored her most of the time. It’s not like I got myself into a lot of trouble, like my cousins. Fact of the matter was that I was probably the most well behaved child in my generation. Mom and I never talked very much… well… we do, but not about things that really mattered.


I drifted off to sleep. I was going to need the energy. Being a soulless droid is tiring. Besides, I really didn’t want to talk when there was nothing to talk about. I felt the car slowing down into a gradual stop. I heard my mom unfasten her seatbelt. My eyes stayed closed. I already knew… we’re here…


“C’mon, Nika. Out of the car,” she said opening the door on her side, “Remember, don’t say anything out of line.” Do I ever say anything to begin with? “And always… ALWAYS mind your elders, and I don’t want you talking about anything in your school. I know your cousins talk a lot about their love lives, but I don’t want you joining in on that subject.” She got out and left me alone in the car.


I lied there for a moment, then sighed, “You wouldn’t have a problem with anything if I had said that rumor wasn’t true…” I unfastened my seatbelt and opened the door.


It’s showtime…

“I love you,” she whispered quietly in my ear. My heart fluttered. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. She stared into my eyes and grew closer. My lips quivered.


“But…” I manage to say. She stops, tilts her head.


“What is it,” she says as she moved a strand of hair from my face and tucks it behind my ear. A smile spreads across her face. She caresses my cheek gently, slowly, deliberately. I’m caught in her eyes, and she laughs silently.


Snap out of it! Say something! “We’re both girls, Cori…” Way to state the obvious. “We can’t…”


She frowns a little, “You don’t love me… Is that it?” Without hesitation or thought, I take her hand.


“No, no! That’s not it!” Cori’s eyes widen at my reaction. I take a deep breath. This is it. My turn to confess, “I love you, Cori. I really do… I’ve loved you for a long time, but…” But what? Say something! “What if God…” GOD??? Brilliant, bring religion into this! Does Cori even believe in God? Come to think of it, I don’t even know if she has a religion.


I see Cori lower her head. I can’t see her face. Is she crying? I move to put a hand on her shoulder. She raises her head and I stop. She’s laughing!?! Not hysterically, but still… I really must have made myself look stupid. Eventually she calms down. She looks at me reassuringly.


“Erika, it’ll be alright,” Her voice is so soothing, “God should understand. I love you, and you love me, right?” I nod. “he forgives all. There’s no commandment against falling in love, is there? He’ll understand, Erika. I promise… and if he doesn’t, then he isn’t God.”


Okay, she had a point there. I wonder… Would God really permit us to be together? Though it didn’t really concern me, now I was curious. I don’t know, but now it doesn’t really matter. I we were to go to Hell, Purgatory or whatever, I’d at least be with Cori. We’d be together and right now, that’s all that matters.


I manage a smile. Cori smiles back. She wraps her arms around me and pulls me closer to her. I feel so warm in her embrace. I could hear her heart beating… feel her breathing.


“I love you, Cori.”


She releases me suddenly. I look at her. Her face is slightly red. Is she embarrassed? I laugh a little and then manage to get a glimpse of her expression.


“What?” She’s DEFINITELY embarrassed. I shake my head. She sighs, and then holds my gaze.


“Okay,” she says as a suggestive smile reappears on her face, “enough stalling.”


My heart takes off; hammering. The space that separated our lips grew smaller. Four inches away… three inches… two… one…


Her lips were so soft and warm, pressed gently against mine. It was a light kiss… but meaningful. Just from this moment, I knew Cori was the one. I had finally found who I was looking for. I’ve gone through a lot of guys; all jerks. And Cori was there for me that entire time. But who would’ve known that the one for me was always right across the hall of my dorm? What’s more, who would’ve guessed that the one for me… my prince… was a girl?