i was too young to understand
what death truly is
when my mother’s fate
was sealed
my sister was
too young to understand
when her fate came true

-is it better to not understand when you’ll have to face the pain later on

***

i am told
i am strong
i am the strongest person
you have ever met
but what if
i don’t want to be strong
what if
i want someone stronger
to hold me
at moments when i am weak
someone to dry my tears
as i silently weep
what if
i don’t want
to be the strong one

-i am not as strong as you think

***

i find that loud noises
and strangers
can drown out
the ice cold thoughts

-this is why i want to move to a big city

***

she was the first love of my life
the first of many
she was the first
to text constantly
and worry about my well being
she was the first to care
I guess that’s why it broke my heart
when she stopped caring
because she was the first
to stop

-the first of many heartbreaks

***

what a painful thing
to love someone
when they will never love you back

-it’s even more painful when they are your best friend

***

i try to erase her from my memory
but with everything i’ve done
one thing is remains the same
her
and i’ve learned that in order to forget her
i must forget myself

-she is a branding burned into my brain

***

her hand
intertwined with mine
somehow it felt real

-it wasn’t

***

with every action she lied
made me believe she cared
more than she did

-did she ever

***

what changed inside
to make her decide
that i was no longer worth
her attention

-was i never good enough for her

***

what has she done to me

-someone fill in the cracks before i shatter

***

i don’t think she realizes
every word she speaks
is a rip into my skin
drawing the blood out of my veins
pouring like sweet tea

-fingernails as sharp as knives

***

she was the first person
to instill
the belief that I needed
others approval for who
i wished to be

-why i need others to love me before i can love myself

***

i associate memories with color
that harsh
ugly shade
is how i remember her

-paint me a different color

***

i was not born
with two ever expanding lungs
for a fire
to suck the oxygen out of them

-what she was

***

i was in my room.  my holy place.  the one safe spot in the world.  and it was late.  eleven maybe.  or later.  i’m not sure.  it was dark out i do know that.  the days began to get shorter as we worked our way back into the school year.  the first year i wasn’t in school with her. everything was peaceful and quiet.
until it wasn’t.
until it isn’t.
until my phone is ringing and if fifteen short minutes she shatters what took seven years to build.  she burns down the house we had made into a home.  and suddenly the four walls surrounding me feel less like a temple and more like a cage.  the bags on my face puff and my eyes shatter.  and just like that it’s over.

the moment two pairs
of eyes meet
time doesn’t stop
it continues on
but the universe surrounding those eyes
is put on pause

-this is only part one

***

not even cassiopeia
is as compelling as that smile

-your body is a solar system~verse one

***

does being young
take away my right
to have emotions

-it’s just a phase

***

you are intoxicating
and affecting my ability
to make responsible decisions

-i don’t enjoy the taste of red wine or champagne

***

i subtlety take
a(nother) photo
so that i have something
to remember you by

-don’t dismiss the unsaid words

***

a downward glance
mixed with crinkled eyes
a smile larger than
the entire universe

-my weakness

***

late nights
long discussions
who is this boy
who teases me
with a smile

-a stranger is my greatest hope

***

my heart beats faster
and the air flow to my lungs stops
when i see you

-you’ve given me flu symptoms

***

there’s this feeling
that words can’t describe
but it’s how i feel
every second with you
simply indescribable

-you are my peace

***

the bright color
of a memorizable fabric
pulled long and thin
into soft string

-what you are

***

the green zip up
the blue windbreaker
the maroon sweater
the gray hoodie

-i know you//act 1

***

there’s that one moment
when you take a step back
and what was once blurry
suddenly becomes crystal clear

-i first saw you through the lense of a camera

***

before we met
i was shattered glass
strewn across the floor
you picked up the sharp edges
and melted them back
together again

-i am a person again

***

do you promise

-???

***

teenagers
so dramatic
it’s the raging hormones
no
it’s being young
and caring about someone
for the first time
-why the first person is always considered “love”

***

you don’t take the pain away
you simply help me live through it

-why you mean so much

***

your eyes are stars
too bright to look away

-your body is a solar system~verse two

***

your name is
a holy word
something about it
feels significant

-i don’t believe in god even though i’m looking into the eyes of mine

***

everything that has ever happened
in the history of the universe
has taken place
so that i could be
exactly where i am
in this moment

-if i am fate you must be coincidence

***

being in love
and loving
are two different things
i can be in love
without loving
and i can love
without being in love
but it is the combination
of the two
that has given me the heart
to care about you

-do i love you?  or am i just in love?

***

touch my hand again
tell me everything
will be alright

-your hand is warm like a blanket but summer is fast approaching

***

perhaps you are just too tall to ever notice the way i look at you.  my shining eyes like a camera focusing in on the most beautiful thing in frame.  or maybe we both live with blind eyes.  so we are wandering around in the darkness for some time until we catch each other’s hand.  or at least i thought it was you i was clinging to.  until i was given new eyes and looked down into empty palms.

until some presses play
and then life is moving too fast
and you’re running into walls
until finally
you’re blind
and your eyes
can no longer meet theirs

-part two isn’t as hopeful

***

i believed it was you
and you let me
with every word
that floated out of your beautifully shaped mouth
i absorbed more lies
the poison in my tea
in order
to be okay
i needed you
in order to stay alive
i had to breath your oxygen
in order to be myself
you had to accept me

-that was how you convinced me

that color slowly disappeared
and with it
the love between us

-where’d it go?

***

i’m realizing just now
if you never cared about me
then you weren’t worth
any of my
god damn time

-i don’t need to cry for you

***

why did i let myself believe
you cared about me
why did i let myself believe
i cared about you

-i guess my dad isn’t the only person i lied to

***

my birthday is tomorrow
i can’t help but wonder
does she even know
or care
do you
do you know
or care

-it’s the important days people forget the fastest

***

you’ve exhausted me
not physically
but emotionally
i think another heartbreak
might kill me

-please let me sleep

***

if i died tomorrow
would you be as destroyed
as i would
if it were you

-it must be nice to know you would be my last thought

***

no deserves to have as much
control over another person
as you have over me

-one day you must let me go
the only reason
i’m kissing him right now
is to get the taste of you
out of my mouth

-his tongue tastes like artificial mint

***

i’ve gotten so used to the pain
i’m not sure i would
be able to live without it

-i’m a drug addict addicted to pain

***

look me in the eyes
and tell me
you never loved me
because just like her
i don’t think
you ever did

-i believe people when they tell me sweet lies

***

i was just trying to protect myself
you tell me
when you are that
devoted to someone
they are more likely to break your heart
is that why you broke mine

-have you always been so selfish?

***

you promised
you’d protect me
why did I get so hurt

-broken promises

***

my biggest fear
isn’t that you’ll never love me
it’s that you love someone else
because the pain of not having you
is nothing compared to the pain
of seeing you in the arms
of someone else

-if you love someone else please don’t show it

***

i don’t have you
to take away the pain anymore
yet she finds the need to continue
to hurt me

-someone make it stop

***

she has a way
of making me feel self conscious
about the most insignificant
parts of myself

-one of my nostrils is larger than the other

***

did you ever know
how much i loved you
could you ever have

-she didn’t know either

***

she’s hurt me
over and over again
and yet i still love her
more than most
why
why do i still love her

-probably for the same reason i still love you

***

i’ve never been
in this much pain
not even when my mom died
how the hell
did you hurt me
this much

-what have you done

***

the thought that
keeps me up at night is
what if you were the person
for me
i just wasn’t
the person
for you

-what if there is only one one for everyone and you were the one for me but i wasn't the one for you

***

the love i have for you (and her)
is my poison
when will it reach my heart
and kill me

-there is poison in my cup

***

it’s late at night
when you float into my head
and i hear your words
i can’t help but let rivers
flow from the beds of my cheeks
over what we could have been
should have been
its this time
when I’m weak
and I pull out my phone
as if i would risk my own
to text you

-nothing good comes from decisions made after 2 am

***

what kills me the most
is that the way you made me feel
that happiness
is the way she makes you feel
i was never enough

-now my happiness comes from an orange bottle

***

i pretend to know you
i don’t even know myself

-who am i?

***

it’s clear
i keep giving out my love
to all the wrong people
but it’s all i’ve ever been taught
so how am i supposed to stop

-why i loved her and why i love(d) you

***

the thought of me
hurting myself
once scared you
does it scare you
now

-i doubt it

***

one hundred poems
three thousand words
and god i still want you
maybe more
but now i can recognize
how much you’ve hurt me

-will i ever forget

***

do you enjoy haunting me
is the fear in my eyes
each time i see you
amusing

-i’ve always believed in ghosts

***

will you be at my funeral
i think it’s only fair
considering you are the one
who killed me

-you can actually die from a broken heart, it’s called broken heart syndrome

***

at the same time
you were saving me
and slowly killing me

-you were an assassin in disguise

***

sometimes i think about you
and it hurts
my head hurts
my heart hurts
because i thought you were mine
i thought you could be mine
i looked at you
and suddenly i couldn’t breath
i had to know you
and the more i did
the more i wanted to
and then the walls came up
and i was like a stranger in your eyes
i have never known why
so when i see you
my heart aches
not at what i love and lost
but at what never loved me back

-why i never look at you when you pass by

***

it seems as if our story
is told in reverse

-inspired by page 82 of the tiny book of tiny stories

***

can someone please
define love for me
because i don’t think
what i have written down
is correct

-i’m desperately in need of a dictionary

***

my problem was how
concrete you were
you weren’t a week long
imaginary affair
that i will forget in a month
or two
you were a life long stain
that has changed my appearance

-a bottle of bleach

***

if you treat someone
as less than a person
for long enough
then they will begin
to believe it themself

-who is the ghost now?

***

pretending i do not exist
does not make it true

-something you must learn

***

after having loved you
i'm not sure if it’s possible
for me to ever love
anyone
ever again

-this ice pack has already been used once

***

my brain has grown
to think of happiness and you
as one in the same
i have to dissociate you
from a feeling

-you are not my only source of dopamine

***

maybe it’s the name of the song
maybe it’s the chord progression
but every emotion i’ve felt
within the past year
has been summed up
within three short minutes

-you’re all alone by john swihart

***

watching you leave now
seems symbolic in some way

-will you ever come back?

***

one day someone will ask you
is she happy
yes but
no
no buts
you had your chance
you gave it up
she’s happy now
let her be happy

-you lost your right to a place in my heart

***

our eyes met
and i was sugar
melting under your heat
you stole my breath then
and every time after
my heart beat out of my chest
and i was melting
melting
i was melting
but the longer
i melted
the more i turned into syrup
and i wasn’t who i once was
i was sugar no longer

-you changed me

***

in sixth months you accomplished what took her seven years.  you gained my trust and then proved my decision making skills to be inadequate.  what pains me the most is how much i care.  and how i thought you cared.  because that late night in dover when i was delirious over just how high up we were i believe you when you told me you would protect me.  and maybe it’s my fault and i shouldn’t have believed you but i did.  i guess you didn’t believe yourself though.  or maybe you thought i didn’t need protecting.  either way you’ve moved on and i guess it’s time i do too.

it was never about you
i can see that now
it was about me

-the hidden meaning in shouted words

***

i will be okay
i’m learning that
i never needed you
i was blinded by the lies she told me
but i will be alright
i will be okay

-i am myself

***

in my eyes
you could do no wrong
maybe that’s why
i’m finding it so hard
too let go

-loosen your grasp on me

***

i’m trying
to forgive you
realize you didn’t mean for any of this
but more importantly
i’m trying to let go
i’ve felt enough pain
to know that i have to
but god it’s hard
when i see you everywhere i go

-one of us needs to disappear and i don’t care who

***

if i never see you again
i might be able to convince myself
that you are not
the most miraculous person
i’ve ever met

-it all comes back to you

***

i made a promise to myself
that this new year
would be the end
so i’m going to try to forgive
and move forward
but you must promise me something too
don’t look at me when we pass in the halls
don’t say my name when you see me
fade into a memory that will one day seem
bittersweet
but please don’t remain in my present
because like all good things
this must too end

-a memory is easier on the heart than a reality

***

if someone wants to leave
let them go
they are obviously not
worth fighting for

-i never fought for her and it made her question the decision to leave

***

for the first time
tears are spilling from my eyes
for no one else
but me
because i know
i will be alright

-i don’t need anyone but me

***

it’s alright
somehow i know
i’ll be alright

-i’m crying because i’m okay

***

you were never
meant for me
just an illusion
of what i never truly wanted

-i’m done wasting emotions on you

***

i don’t think you’ve
meant to hurt me
you’re king midas
and you’ve turned me
to gold
without ever having meant to

-am i just a statue in a museum of people you’ve broken?

***

i turned you into
the villain in my story
but you weren’t a villain
you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time
but at the end of the day
you were just a person

-i’m sorry for the shadow i’ve given you

***

she has her faults
but I have mine too
so how is it fair
for either of us
to judge

-we are made of the same molecules

***

i guess i can’t blame her
if i was given
a second chance with you
i would take it
in a heartbeat

-real life doesn’t include do-overs

***

it’s time to say goodbye
i’ll cry for you one last time
and then i must let you go

-this has to be the end

***

you became not a person
but a hope
an idea
i can see now
that you are made of the same
flesh and bones
as everyone else

-you are just a person

***

i’m slowly learning
that having you
is not synonymous
with being okay

-add a thesaurus to the list of things i’m in need of

***

that chord progression
it does have a hopeful ending

-most things have a tendency to look up in the end

***

letting go is not a choice
i’ve learned this
i did not decide one day
that i did not want
to care for you
as time wore on
you slipped from my thoughts
and one day
i’ll be free

-a helpful sort of dementia

***

at some point it came to me
that maybe our lives
were meant to intertwine once
and then come apart
suddenly the idea of being with you
was nothing more than
an outlived fantasy
that i no longer wanted or needed
i think this was the beginning
of moving on

-letting go

***

one day i’m
going to be in new york
and you’ll be nothing
but a distant memory
i'm going to have the life
i’ve always wanted
that life never included you

-you’ll be nothing more than a photo in a freshman yearbook

***

you taught me
that being okay and accepting myself
doesn’t begin with someone else
loving me
it begins with me
loving myself

-a thousand mile journey begins with a single step

***

i wouldn’t
in a million years
go back and change history
so that i would have never met you
because no matter what
i’m who i am
because of you

-thank you

***

maybe you left
because i didn’t need
you anymore

-no one could ever live up to rupi kaur but i hope this comes close

***

i lied when i said
i would only cry over you
once more
i’ve always been a sentimental person
with a soft spot for endings
but this is the last time i’ll see you
and this day was always meant
to be our end

-goodbye (this time for real)

***

what a strange thing it is
learning to be okay
after being scarred
for so long
at times it feels like life
is coming together again
and i had no reason to worry
in the first place
while at other times
it feels like the sky
is crashing down onto me
but i will be alright
because i am learning
for the first time
that my acceptance of myself
does not depend on others opinions
of me
it does not depend on what you think
it does not depend on what she thinks
it depends on me
i will be alright

-i never needed you i just needed myself

***

august 16, 2016
i never could’ve guessed
you would come into my life
but god I’m glad you did
i will not pretend
the last year
wasn’t filled with heartbreak
and pain
but it was worth it
to grow
to see you grow
you may not have become
who i wanted you to
but that’s alright
this has been an experience
that has allowed me
to become who i am

-june 16, 2017

***

at the beginning of every new year we are always asked where we see ourselves in five years  well there is no way five years before august 16, 2016 i could have predicted where i would be on that day hell even on august 15, 2016 i wouldn’t have been able to predict what would go down on that day  i’m sure though five years after august 16, 2016 i will be able to remember the feeling of your eyes on me the first time we met and the way everyone laughed when i was the one name you got wrong and i figure now that maybe should have been a clue but i was naive and intoxicated with the thought of not being alone anymore i told myself for weeks that i didn’t truly care about you it was simply the loneliness creeping into the corners of my brain until it wasn’t until it was the day you told me you would protect me until it was the day you seemed so scared at the thought of me hurting myself until it was the day i was in the backseat of your car until until until it was nothing it was passing in the hall with no words it was eyes looking at the wall behind me and so on august 16, 2016 i never could’ve predicted just a year later where i would be saying goodbye to you.

my life has been
a series of changes
one after the other
and it hasn’t been easy
it hasn’t been painless
but one thing I’ve learned
is that out of the pain
comes something so much greater
something that makes all the tears
worth it
i began as a seed
planted in the ground
until one day i looked
at myself in the mirror
and saw not a seed
but a pale green leaf
and one day i will be the drink
in your cup
but i don’t need some
artificial substance
to give me flavor
because i am already
sweet tea.

-a bittersweet ending with a hopeful message