Part I: The Monster Arrives

It’ll set in when you’re real little. The monster will watch you, see if you’re a good candidate for his game. If you get made fun of a little more than other kids, then he follows you around, keeping a special watch on you. You grow out of elementary school and head to middle school. Every middle school preteen has braces, acne, a little baby fat, awkwardly proportioned bodies, cracking voices, and nothing is done developing yet. But maybe you’re a little chubbier than the average thirteen year-old, or your teeth are a little more crooked, or your face is more acne ridden. Whatever it may be, you’re targeted, picked on, made fun of, shoved around like you’re a lesser person. If you let this bother you, if you believe what people say for even a second then the monster gets you. He sees his opportunity and he makes his move. You’re his pawn now, the monster has arrived. You never know how the monster is gonna start but he’ll probably start with the depression. You’ll see girls walk down the hall and you immediately feel self-conscious. You notice how fat doesn’t hang out at the waist of her tucked in shirt. Her teeth are white and perfectly straight, just like every strand of her hair. And her make-up is of course flawless, not a zit in sight. You keep your eyes on the ground and head to the bathroom, your lip quivers as you shut and lock the stall door. You lift up your non-hooded sweater and look at your own stomach. A tear rolls down your cheek as your tucked-in collared shirt emphasizes every roll of your stomach, and the lack of a gap between your thighs. You run your tongue across your teeth and another tear escapes your eyes as you feel every uneven bump. You check your phone and realize you have to get to class so you wipe your face and run your finger right beneath your eye to get rid of eyeliner smudges. No one will ever know.
That’s just the beginning though. Being self-conscious will evolve into self-hate that will open up a whole new world for you. You’ll go home and analyze every freckle, mole, bump, curve, stretch mark. Every flaw of your body will be burned into your memory. You’ll weigh yourself knowing good and well that you’re not at the “healthy” weight limit. It’ll become more difficult to eat. You’ll contemplate throwing it up or skipping a meal. This is all the monsters doing. But can he have you just hating the way you look? No. He has to have more than that, you have to hate every aspect of yourself. You’ll be embarrassed of the shows you watch, the music you listen to, who you think is cute, the way you laugh, the way you smile. You’ll hate everything. There are no exceptions to this oppressive thought process. You’ll lay in bed at night hoping that you’ll find some peace but the monster won’t let you have that either. He’ll make you see things that aren’t really there. Shadows begin growing and inanimate objects take a human form. They don’t talk but you know they are there to hurt you. Bugs twice their normal size start crawling around your room. Fear takes over and you huddle in a ball and cry. You know it’s just the monster playing tricks on you but it feels so real. You don’t fall asleep until the sun rises but you’re only able to catch an hour or two before you have to leave for school.

Finally the pain is too much. You aren’t sleeping, you do nothing but cry, you hate yourself. So when everyone in your house is either asleep or gone you sneak to the kitchen and steal a knife. As you stand over the kitchen sink, blade in hand, you ask yourself, “Should a thirteen year-old girl really be doing this?” But the monster is right there beside you, telling you you’re worthless, pathetic, nobody could ever love you. You start to cry as your shaking hand reaches up so the blade touches your wrist and you slice down. The drops of blood in the sink mark your first cut. Unfortunately, this will be the first of many. I’d like to tell you that this is where it ends, that you learn to be happy and have a fairytale life but the monster is far from the end of his game.

Part II: The Monster Grows

Most people focus on the downs, so you’re categorized as “depressed”. But they’ve made a critical mistake. Nobody notices the ups, you won’t even notice them yourself at first. You’ll begin getting hyper, even though you hardly sleep you’ll be full of energy. You can’t sit still in class, you’re standing up or walking around the whole day, never staying still. You can’t focus in class, you don’t care what the teacher or anyone else for that matter, is saying. You start drinking energy drinks so people will think that you’re only hyper because of that. But it’s not just energy, its anger too. Everything will make you mad, even just the little things that you usually tolerate. A kid in class will laugh in a very loud and obnoxious way, so you turn around and scream at him to shut up. You’ll have all this pent up energy and anger inside you and won’t know what to do with it. It’ll feel like your chest is on fire, you’re not just simply mad, you’re pissed off. You’ll try going to the gym and running to get it out of your system, but that won’t work. The monster will tell you that you aren’t running fast enough or long enough. And as you walk home you’ll realize he’s right, you should have run faster and longer. You’ll punch your wall out of anger. He tells you that you’re never gonna be skinny or beautiful and no one’s gonna love you because you didn’t run faster. That sounds ridiculous but the monster can be very convincing.

With the anger and hyperactivity also comes the paranoia. When you’re sitting in class you can’t help but think that one of your classmates is watching you. And when you walk to your house from your car or the bus, you feel like someone is following you. It gets to the point where you have to turn every TV on and turn your phone around because the monster is telling you that someone’s watching you through the screen. You develop a certain way of sleeping. You can’t face the wall if it’s away from the rest of the room. You have to be facing all the doors, windows, and closets. Otherwise, you’ll be up all night, convinced that someone is standing over you. You’ll feel like a freak and like there’s nothing you can do about it. So you start having panic attacks. You’ll get panic attacks in the middle of class. You’ll start crying and saying you can’t breathe. Now not only do you think you’re a freak, so does everyone else. But this is all a part of the monsters’ game and his game is about to get worse.
Part III: The Monster Takes Over

The monster is no longer in your head, he is a ruthless tyrant in control of you. You’re getting a panic attack every couple weeks, you’re burning and cutting yourself almost every day, you’re punching the desks at school until your knuckles bleed, you starve yourself, and even make yourself throw up the food you do eat. You get high or drunk because it makes you forget about your pain and makes you feel like a normal teenager for a while. You cheat on the only guy you actually loved because you feel like you aren’t even in control of yourself anymore. You think about suicide every day, it occupies your mind constantly. You admit to thinking these thoughts and you get sent to the Ridge. Then you’re on complete lockdown, every possible sharp object and medicine is locked away. This does actually help though. You start to feel like you’re actually getting better but just when you think that maybe this is over, maybe you can actually be happy, and your mom and sister walk in on you with a knife to your throat attempting to slit it. Then a few months later you take some pills in another attempt of suicide but it doesn’t work. The monster asks you, “Are you seriously so f***ing pathetic that you can’t even kill yourself?” You feel hapless and despicable, but mostly you feel lonely. You feel like nobody is there for you and every time you try to open up to someone they either hurt or betray you. You feel like there’s nothing left for you, your life is over and pointless anyways. If you saw a car coming towards you, you would just stand there. You wouldn’t even bother trying to get out of the way. You have hit rock bottom. The monster has won.

Part IV: The Monster Leaves

I have a reality check for you. The monster isn’t real, he doesn’t exist. It’s you, all of this is you, even when you felt like someone else was controlling you. You are the one who cheated on your boyfriend, and cut yourself, burned yourself, starved yourself, and punched the walls at school. You are the one who tried to commit suicide. This “monster” is a disease called Bipolar Disorder. This is a chemical imbalance in your brain, there’s nothing you can do about that. But it’s also triggered by environmental factors, meaning that the situations and people in your life affect the realization of your disorder and even the severity of it. These extreme highs and lows do not occur in a short period of time, such as a couple months. This will take years to develop to a life-affecting degree. And while many events, like the ones in the story will not occur until you’re in high school or maybe even after, the strongest origin of your story will most likely take place in middle school. This is because of the physical, emotional, and hormonal changes your body experiences.

Don’t let anybody put you down. Nobody has the right to make you feel insignificant for any aspect of your personality or looks. Don’t take things too seriously, don’t dwell on the fact that someone doesn’t like you. This is real life and in real life you’re gonna meet people who don’t like you and you don’t like them. You’re gonna get your heart broken and you’re gonna break someone’s heart. You’re gonna get a little too drunk and not remember what happened. You’re gonna fail a test and piss off your parents. You’re gonna get a speeding ticket. You’re gonna break the rules. Just remember to have fun in life and learn that the only reason you’re not happy is because you’re not letting yourself be. If someone had told me this in middle school then my life would have been completely different. I would have had different friends, different grades, and dated different guys. I would have been a kid for as long as I could. I wouldn’t have noticed that a lot of my family shows signs for Depression or Bipolar Disorder. I might have never been aware of the chemical imbalance in my brain.

If you are Bipolar or have any other mental illness then know that you are not alone and there are treatment options. You can take medicine or go to therapy, whatever works for you and your family. Don’t ever let this or any person keep you from doing what makes you happy. You will have to fight every single day but it’s worth it. And if you don’t have a mental illness and all of this sounded crazy to you then be proud of your ignorance because I, along with many others, are envious of you. But when someone acts in a way that you don’t understand, don’t judge them. Take the time to listen to their story and try to see it in their point of view. Whether any of this applies to you or not, just know that everybody deserves to be happy and you are never alone, it gets better. Keep Fighting. <3