I live in a shadow, the shadow of my mother. How long I have dwelled there I don’t know, but this shadow causes pain and suffering to all who come in contact with it. Trying to stop it seems impossible, and trying to escape is like trying to break a lifelong habit. I discovered my self entrapment several years ago when I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. Three weeks later when I was released from the hospital, emaciated and still unable to eat more than one meal per day, I sank into a deep depression. The absence of my mother during this hard time brought up old wounds, and they leaked puss and blood in excess. I started hurting myself for the past; my father’s pain, my sister’s disasters, and the pain of loss felt through the entire family. My mother was not dead of course, she just quit caring for the family she had created. I did anything I could to get her attention; I was on honor roll for three years of elementary, hoping, praying, and pleading for her approval. My heart broke every time she called to talk to my sister, but didn’t ask for me.
Two years into junior high it all changed I became deathly ill, and no one could tell me what was wrong until the second week. I tried to gain her attention, any means necessary. Failing school was only the beginning, I lied, I cheated, and I even went to the extent of trying to run away from home. I was broken, and I just wanted to die, to escape the self inflicted pain. That’s when it hit me, I was doing everything to ruin myself, and it didn’t mean a thing to my mother. I refused to accept that fact, even though it was shoved in my face, time and time again. When I finally let my step mom and dad comfort me, I crumbled, even deeper into the pit I had dug for myself, and I ignored the ropes that were thrown down to save me. She called the house not long after this event, and I lost my grip on self control.
“Why? Why can’t you just let me go? You have become cancer in my heart. You are killing me!” I cried in anguish into the receiver. The line went dead. I slammed the phone down, and sank to the floor, tears creating warm little puddles of water on the tile floor.
“Please,” I whispered, “please just let me go. Please.” Arms wrapped around me warm and solid, against my cold, quaking body. “Meagan. Meagan, listen, your mother let you go the day she left your father; it’s you that hangs on so desperately.” I looked up at my step mom, as if seeing her for the first time in my life. She was right and I knew it, the moment she said it everything clicked.
I’m still trapped in my mother’s shadow today, but since I discovered the identity of my self inflicted malady, I’ve made progress, and everyday I take a new step towards the sunshine, and out of the shadow.