Through the cracks of my idle eyelids I could sense light. I could feel it, and needed no visual confirmation. This was not the hollowness of artificial lighting. This light was warm and deep. The light that breaks through your windows on a summer morning reassuring you everything will be alright. In a moment it all vanished. As quickly as it came, it was gone.

My father had always taught me to deal with my problems upfront, never to run and hide. Throughout my life I followed as well as I could. However,  I always had a problem standing up to my father. Whether it was out of respect or fear I always kept my grievances to myself.

A loud noise had awoken me. I was awake but yet unable to open my eyes, although they were not of much use. I began to hear voices, no distinction between them, just noise. I once again tried to open my eyes but  didn’t have the strength. Once again everything seemed to just peacefully fade away, like the tide going out to sea.

As kids we are all told that one moment can change your whole life. I paid it no mind. My childhood was one of adventure. Always trying to go bigger, faster, higher. Nothing else brought me as such joy. I was one of those truly fearless boys. By some miracle I always made it threw unscaved, a bump here, scratch there, occasionally a break, but nothing seemed to be able to slow me down, except my mother. She always wanted me to be safe and happy as all mothers do. I took her warmth and comfort for granted as I felt invincible.

Voices slowly brought me into consciousness. I felt as if I was being uplifted. Then, I heard something I could comprehend. It was like a bird  finding an island to rest on after tirelessly wandering above the sea for what seemed like an eternity. Like finding an umbrella in a rainstorm. A blanket on a cold night. The single most consoling sound I have ever heard, my sister's voice.

Growing up I only had one sibling, my older sister Nicole. Of course we fought as all siblings do, but our petty arguments never impacted the strength of our relationship. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger; this could not be any more fitting. Nicole and I were together to hell and back with issues with our family and our father. Nicole was always there when times got rough. When I was with Nicole I always felt safe, like the problems couldn't reach us.

The sound of my sister's voice drove me to pry my eyes open, which felt like opening a rusted old gate in desperate need of oil. My vision was slightly more clear but  disturbed to say the least. I felt the bed dip to one side near my right hip. Something was so warming about just the slightest movement. I felt as if I was no longer alone. I turned to see the indent was cause by my sister sitting on the bed next to me. Her hand ran over my head and I for the first time I deciphered a phrase though the noise.”Hi Michael”. So simple, so comforting. Nicole placed her hand on my head. I knew her hand was there but my body felt so detached there was no sensation from her warm flesh. I mustered up all I had to make a sound, not a word, just a sound, anything I could protrude from from my incapacitated lips. I made the smallest of grunts, no where near any form of language, then once again. I felt myself begin to fade out. I tried as hard as I could to just hold on. Giving everything I had for this moment not to escape my grip. I felt as if I was clinging to an edge for dear life, trying dreadfully hard not to fall. Despite my struggle I descended  into the isolation of darkness.

Sports were my life growing up. I played what it seemed every game possible. There was nothing that brought me more joy. Whether I was gliding across the endzone, scoring a goal, or even just a simple bounce pass to a teammate, pure bliss. My head was clear and I was at peace, something I knew would dwindle as the game came to an end and I would have to face a harsh reality. The game is over, and it was time to face my father. My father was a very decent man and I was fortunate compared to many others. However me and my father never had the relationship one would hope for. An alcoholic my whole life, my dad was never very good at relating. He very often would snap at me in an instant, make me feel unappreciated, and pick at my every mistake in life like a bird eating seed.  My father was also gravely unreliable and irresponsible,  and I would become so frustrated but yet have to hold it in like swallowing a colossal sized pill. Any remark I made, I would quickly learn to regret. The same man who TOLD me to stand up to my troubles was TEACHING me to bury them deep within.

It seemed as if I was aimlessly wandering the the vastness of the dark for a perpetuity. It was a state words can’t grasp. It wasn’t quite asleep, but farther from consciousness. The darkness and peace of sleep but the absence of dreams. All sense of time and space were gone. It was a palpable feeling of emptiness. Occasionally I would have a thought, coming and going as unpredictable as the wind. Without the capability to ponder such thoughts, I settled for acknowledging their existence. I wasn’t aware of where I was or what was going on, but it felt safe. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to leave. Then with no inclination, Snap! I was thrown into the light.

Sports and dangerous activities gave me a paradoxical feeling of safety. Nothing could touch me and my problems seemed worlds away. These feelings of euphoria could be snayched away at any minute, as abruptley as I had been seized from darkness. It was like a bright lamp was shining right in your eyes reminding you life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. The switch would be flipped on by my father immediately following a game. I would be reminded of everything I had done wrong, and the infinite number of things I could have done better. The peace and serenity the game brought me fled and was replaced with embarrassment, oppression, and depression. I felt as though I could do nothing but try to ignore.  All I wanted was a safe haven. Somewhere to escape. A dark room to run and hid.

I was flushed into the light. It was like being unexpectedly being pushed into a pool. I could for the first time distinguish what I was seeing, but not in any great detail. I became  aware of my surroundings. I laid silent, still, and scared. I wanted to fall back into the safety of the darkness. What I so desperately tried to escape was now the only place I felt secure. As I looked about, I could feel fear strangling me into submission. This couldn't be real. This was the final whistle of a game. My place of ignorance and bliss was being taken from me and I couldn’t hold on, like sand running through my fingers.

I was in a hospital room.

Still in a paralysed with shock and fear I gazed upon the room, my eyesight so bad it was making me nauseous. I could see figures standing by the door, they had not yet discovered my fractional consciousness. To my right and left I found machines, it seemed as if I was surrounded by them, all with some type of flashing light and mechanical tick that I could feel rattle within my body. I felt I was being held captive by the multitude of tubes coming from my arms and legs. I looked down at my legs and feet but felt as if they had been amputated. I felt no connection between my head and body, only with great effort could I slightly adjust my neck. I was uncertain if I was crippled or if it was fear. Then I shifted my head to the left to see a window. Looking through the window I was reassured exactly where I was. I was at Lutheran General Hospital for I saw Portillo's across the street. The fear seemed to dissipate and I began to relax. The familiarity of Portillo's captured my sole attention. Then what had seemed so daunting a task seemed to just flow out, more of an instinct than and effort, I spoke. In a slurred fashion I murmured, “I want a milkshake”. The room erupted and I became so overwhelmed I unknowingly drifted off. The darkness had gone from a place of safety to simply a place of rest.

As the Days went on I became more alert. I was able to hold conversations with the large amounts of family that flooded my room.  I was ready I was informed what had happened to me. I was struck by a car while crossing the street with a friend. I had suffered a severe traumatic brain injury. The doctors informed me that they had to operate on my head immediately after the accident. Following the operation I was put into an induced coma for 10 days. This was to much to handle but the worst was yet to come. After spending a few more weeks in the hospital I was sent home. Everyone I knew sent their love and came to visit. I once again felt the sense of safety and comfort I had been craving since leaving the darkness. Through this entire ordeal it felt as if something had been absent but was hard to distinguish.

After being home for sometime I had to face the sad truth I knew was coming my way, I could no longer play major contact sports. It hit me like a frieght train. I felt the same paralysis as I did in the hospital bed. My safe haven was gone. My way of escaping my father and my problems was gone. The news sparked a reaction in my father. He made me feel as if it was my fault, that I needed to do something about it. Tension between us hit its peak in the months following the accident. I once again felt myself wanting to drift back into the darkness. To be free.

Then as suddenly as I had thrown into the light I realized what had been absent, my father. I did not once recall him in the hospital, or helping with the recovering process. I was filled with rage, an untamable desire to break free. I no longer seeked to hid away in  the darkness, or be with my sister in a place our problems couldn’t reach us, or even be in the embrace of my mother. I wanted to tell my father exactly how I felt.(Long sentences) I wanted to grab the bull by the horns and wrestle it down till it capitulated to me. I couldn’t let myself ignore his oppression any longer. I was done being chastised for every mistake I made.I needed to stand up. I needed to come out of the darkness.

Every child is told that one decision can change your life. I learned the first hand when I was in my accident. However, my life was changed in a way I could have ever imagined. Despite all that was taken away from me, I believed what I gained was far more important. I learned to stand up to the only man who could make me feel down. The comfort of my sister, mother, and ignorance was no longer what I sought. I learned while it was a hellish endeavor, coming out of the darkness made me feel strong and powerful. Gave me more peace than any physical feat ever could. There was no final whistle, no lamp shining in my eyes. Just the tranquility of warm light coming through a window,  the feel of your sister sitting next to you on your hospital bed, or the familiarity of a milkshake. I had escaped the darkness and had no plans to return.