I choose not to go over my past. I’m good at erasing the details and pain that come with it. Good memories are rare in my life, and I’m not sure as to why. Growing up, I never had friends. Even to this day there’s not one person I know who I can call a true friend, or a friend period.
One of the worst parts of my past happened when I was going into 7th grade. The summer before, I got into a fight with this girl named Lorissa. I used to call her one of my best friends, I told her everything. From how I would cut myself to my fascination with females and a relationship I had with one, she told everyone everything. When school started, I soon found myself getting laughed at, teased, harassed, and abused. The friends I thought I had left, Lorissa took from me. Whenever she came around, my so called friends would just leave me in mid-sentence. People would ask me questions like:
“Do you want to have a three sum?”
“Do you really like girls?”
“Are you a lesbian? That’s so cool!”
I went into a real deep depression, the only color I wore was black and my hair was always in my face. People would tell me what Lorissa was saying about me, making fun of the way I dressed. She wasn't the only one because people always said to me:
“Why do you dress like that?”
“Are you like emo?”
“You think you’re emo but you’re not.”
Lorissa gained all her friends through immature power, turning the one’s I thought I had against me, and the ones that already didn't like me join her force. I found myself as lost as a baby bird without it’s mother, I had no one to guide me, no one to teach me how to fly. I lost friends because they never understood me or my situation. They would talk about me saying that I'm trying to be something I'm not, saying I'm acting the way I am because I want attention, and asking me if I was a mistake. My mother and grandmother didn't understand me, they forced me to deal with the daily abuse, making me weaker and weaker by the second. I had no one but my conscience, no positive influence ever crossed my life. Everyone in my life was absent, understanding was absent, even caring was absent. It felt like I was the most hated person on earth.
Growing up weak and having everyone come at you takes a toll on your self-esteem and even your conscience. I contemplated suicide and told my mom about it, funny because that’s when she decided to care. I only went to therapy once, then the school district kept close watch over me. All the teachers knew about me and how I was depressed, so they took it easy on me.
Lorissa and her antics died down but never went away until 9th grade. Every year she had an issue with me, every year I was alone, and every year everyone was against me. From that experience, I learned to not trust anyone but myself because in my eyes, everyone is out to get me.