He was so still. It was unbearable to see him like that. It didn’t feel like him. All the warmth has left his body. He was so cold. The funeral home was warm. Green walls around every corner. It smells like an old house. I think back to that day. That day that my life changed forever.

“Bang bang bang!” I rose from my bed in a rush. Ochhh, I say silently as I hit my head on the ceiling. My bed is a Loft bed so it's pretty close to the ceiling. “I’m coming!”I yell. Before I could get to the door my mother had beat me to it. Our neighbor Trina was at the door with a worried expression on her face. Trina has short blonde hair and blue eyes. She is a bigger woman then my mother is. On the other hand, my mother has long brown hair with big hazel eyes and a round figure.

“Hi, Trina.  Is everything okay?” asked my mother.

“It’s Austin! He was in an accident!”  

“Wait for what!?” my mother asked in shock.

She continues to explain. She tells us she doesn’t know what has happened all she knows is that he was in an accident. I start to throw on my shoes hurriedly to go see what has happened, but my mother stopped me. “You need to stay here baby. We are going to see what happened but we need you to stay here,” she begs, as they leave with Trina to go to the site where the accident happened. Let's just say I was not happy about this. Even to this day when I think about this I never understood why they had me stay home.

I watch as they drive off in Trina’s truck anxiously.  I think back to the night before. My parents were at work so it was just Austin and I home.  I was told to do laundry so I spent most the night mating socks. When I took a break to eat Austin had made himself a hot dog with the nastiest toppings I have ever seen. One of the toppings was ranch. Now when I think of it he may have done that just to gross me out. I, on the other hand, had me made myself a sandwich. A normal sandwich that human beings eat. We sat in our parent's room, watched Tv, and ate our meals.  

Shortly after eating our meals, I remembered how Austin asked me If I would wake him up early so he could walk to the school. He normally rides with the neighbor boy Jason who is also on the football team. For some reason, he had decided to walk.  So I set my alarm for four am. When four came I got out of bed and woke Austin up…

...I never thought he would actually get up.

Now I was home all alone while my brother was hurt because of me. I was utterly useless. I paced back and forth from the living room to my brother’s room to my room. I can’t seem to stay still; not even for a second. I began to cry. I don’t just mean a single tear fell from my little eye; I mean I unwillingly ugly cried.  I bawled my eyes outrageously. I sobbed and sobbed. I could taste the salt from my tears on my lips.

Austin was the worst person to wake up in the morning; I knew this because I was the one who woke both of us up for school in the morning. So When I woke him up that morning I didn’t actually think he would go through with it. I figured he would just go back to sleep. So when I heard he was in an accident I didn’t know what to think.

I hoped crazily that he was at a hospital with a broken leg or something, but for some reason, I knew that wasn’t the case. Its like I could feel something unbearable had happened. So I prayed to god. I might have even cussed him a little but it's okay.  I finally decided to take a seat and breath deeply for a moment. Unfortunately, I couldn’t sit still.

I picked up the phone worriedly and rang my friend Wendy. “Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring” Ugggh, I thought annoyingly “You have reached the voicemail of 256-837-8799.  Leave a voicemail after the tone.”  “ Click” I hanged up the phone and rang my other Friend Tessie. As it rang I begged desperately for her to pick up. It ranged for a moment when her mother answered. Sadly for me, Tessie was still asleep. I needed to talk to someone...anyone.

I went back to pacing and worrying. It was the only thing I knew to do. Other than constantly looking out the window to see any ambulances or Tina’s truck. None came of course. At least not till later.

I stood outside for a while waiting for anything to come by. Hoping every white truck might be them going to the hospital. Unfortunately, I lived in Alabama and there was a lot of white trucks. It was quite sad actually when I think back to that day all of this happened, It was quite a nice day for summer in Alabama. I don’t see it that way though. I see it as a much different kind of day.

“Ding Ding!” I picked up the ringing phone. It was a message of Facebook from a girl in my grade.

“Hey, are you okay honey?”

“No, I have no idea what's happened,” I typed in reply.

“ Would you like me to tell You?” she asked.

Now I probably should've said no, but my stupid, worried, scared self-said yes.

“He went to heaven.” She said the words that confirmed what I felt in my gut.

“ How do you know that! You don’t know! Who told you that!” I reply in complete denial.

Even though I had been praying for the last hour and a half to god asking for him not to be dead. More like yelling at him that I’ll hate him if my brother is dead, But the same difference.

“ Jacob and Payton told me” Two more kids in my grade of course who don’t know their heads from their butts. She continues “ Jacob has football practice with Austin and said he passed it on the way there. I honestly don’t know about Payton.”

“No No” She lying to me.

“ I'm so sorry Kaitlin” she states.

Stop lying to me. I know she's lying. What a cruel joke. It's not cool to joke about something like this, I thought. I go out of the messages to see a post made by Payton. Stating to pray for the Cook Family. Even though Austin and I were the only ones with the last name Cook. My mother had her maiden name Jones and at the time her fiance now her husband had the last name of Monarch.

I laid down the phone. In denial and confusion. I screamed. Even though I was in denial I still knew deep down it was true because why would someone lie about that.  

Before I knew it the home phone had rung. “Hello,” I answered.

“Hey, Katie it's Papa.”

“Hey, Papa, what’s  happened?”

“We are on the way to the house right now. We will tell you when we get there, okay.” Papa stated.

“Okay.”

I sat outside for a while waiting for them, but no one showed up. So I went back inside and began the pacing ritual all over again. This time going back and forth from outside to the living room to my brother's room.

When I went back outside again cars started to pull in. I All of my uncle and aunts. Knew when I saw all the cars of my family that it wasn’t good. My mom comes out of my Aunt Theresa’s car crying. “ Is it true?”

Yes, she said as she sobbed. She goes towards me. I fell to the ground bawling. I cried so hard that all of the neighbors probably could hear. I cried so hard that I almost threw up. I cried so hard the I actually forgot to breathe for a moment and was gasping for breath. My family had to tell me to breathe… To take a breath.

After my family calmed me down we all piled into the cars. Before I did that I ran back into the house and grabbed one of his favorite hats. Then I held it. I went back outside and got into my Aunt’s car with my Papa.    

We drove away from my first home. I never slept another night there and never will because the house burned down two months later due to an electrical problem. We had everything there. All of Austin's stuff. We drove to a gas station they offered me a drink, but I turned them down. They got me a water and made me drink some anyway. My Papa is a nurse because of my Papa being a nurse he didn’t want me to get dehydrated.

We drove to my Papa’s house where we lived for the next two... almost three months. We moved into another house that my Papa was renting out. The renters were moving. The house was old and rigid. Falling apart around every corner, but that what we had to do. It would have been too hard going back. If we would have stayed in that house.

I think back often and I regret everything. I regret every hurtful word I said to my brother; every argument, every scream, everything. I wish I could go back. I really do. I wish I could go back and not set alarm; not even agree to set an alarm.  I just wish things were different.