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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

trblue GOLD said...
on Oct. 7 2010 at 5:05 pm
trblue GOLD, Richmond, Virginia
14 articles 7 photos 141 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Too often we lose sight of life&#039;s simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. It only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap that mother@#?!&amp;* upside the head. &quot;

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sweet dude, pluse it funny

and it all true and see

vampire sucks.

ellyncannon PLATINUM said...
on Oct. 6 2010 at 9:47 pm
ellyncannon PLATINUM, Mexia, Texas
29 articles 0 photos 204 comments

Favorite Quote:
That which we persist in doing becomes easier, not that the task itself has become easier, but that our ability to perform it has improved.<br /> Ralph Waldo Emerson<br /> &lt;3

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hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I REALLY needed that laugh. thank you for making my day. I love it!!!! haha :P
itsokaytobeme16 GOLD said...
on Oct. 5 2010 at 11:05 am
itsokaytobeme16 GOLD, Thronwood, New York
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This is so funny!
lolzmya$$ said...
on Oct. 5 2010 at 7:05 am
i <3 you
angelkiss5 said...
on Oct. 4 2010 at 1:19 pm
Dude I totally agree with you (:
DarknessForever13 SILVER said...
on Oct. 4 2010 at 9:39 am
DarknessForever13 SILVER, Gainesville, Texas
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I love the Twilight Saga, but this was hilarious, I think Stephinie Meyer would get a kick out of it!
Lahari GOLD said...
on Oct. 3 2010 at 5:01 pm
Lahari GOLD, Edison, New Jersey
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\\\\\\\&quot;Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That\\\\\\\&#039;s why its called the present.\\\\\\\&quot; <br /> &mdash; Eleanor Roosevelt<br /> <br /> \\\\\\\&quot;When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch as the world wonders how you did it.\\\\\\\&#039;

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HA hA! That was soo funny! 
kmarie14 PLATINUM said...
on Oct. 3 2010 at 2:40 pm
kmarie14 PLATINUM, Hyrum, Utah
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THIS IS HILARIOUS!! please check out my work!
secrets2share BRONZE said...
on Oct. 2 2010 at 3:24 pm
secrets2share BRONZE, Rochelle, Illinois
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&quot;Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.&quot;<br /> ~ Dr. Suess :)

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LOved it!!
poisionWriter SILVER said...
on Oct. 1 2010 at 8:19 pm
poisionWriter SILVER, Idaho Falls, Idaho
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Favorite Quote:
I think I love you.

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om flippen g! i loved this! it was sooo funny! you have a nack for dry commidy (however you spell that) ---long stories short(heehee)-good job!
alex_ruby BRONZE said...
on Oct. 1 2010 at 7:29 pm
alex_ruby BRONZE, Southlake, Texas
2 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;There is no such thing as a bad piece of literature... it can just merely be unique&quot;<br /> <br /> -me

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You are my new idol! That was hilarious! I hate the twilight saga, and you just made my day!!! Hey can you check out my work? Preferably "The Prophecy"?
awesomeaugust GOLD said...
on Oct. 1 2010 at 4:46 pm
awesomeaugust GOLD, Boston, Massachusetts
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&quot;Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground&quot;<br /> ~Theordore Roosevelt

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Funny! I gotta admit, I've read all four. There have been tons of parodies but this one stands out as being clever. Keep writing!
Tolstoy17 SILVER said...
on Oct. 1 2010 at 3:44 pm
Tolstoy17 SILVER, Whitehall, Pennsylvania
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\&quot;Everything you do in life will be insignificant, but it\&#039;s important that you do it.\&quot; Gandhi.

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I actually love the twilight saga, but I love this more! Hahaha <3
ilovetinkerbell GOLD said...
on Oct. 1 2010 at 9:48 am
ilovetinkerbell GOLD, Raytown, Missouri
13 articles 0 photos 85 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be yourself!!!

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This is AWESOME!!! :

Totally love it. It means that I don't have to read the book now. LOL!! great job.

meghanmarks SILVER said...
on Oct. 1 2010 at 8:52 am
meghanmarks SILVER, Hoover, AL, Alabama
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HILARIOUS!!
ALlovegreen BRONZE said...
on Oct. 1 2010 at 8:49 am
ALlovegreen BRONZE, Birmingham, Alabama
1 article 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away.<br /> -anonymous

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ha this is really good...and funny...have you thought about doing it for other books?
taahhlliiaaax3 BRONZE said...
on Oct. 1 2010 at 8:31 am
taahhlliiaaax3 BRONZE, Nahant, Massachusetts
1 article 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;don&#039;t chase, replace.&quot;

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This is HIALRIOUS.

perfect job, It really does tie it up though.

Camelot BRONZE said...
on Oct. 1 2010 at 8:29 am
Camelot BRONZE, Woodstock, Vermont
4 articles 0 photos 9 comments
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Wow, this is great! 
LonewriterCRC said...
on Sep. 30 2010 at 2:38 pm
Excellent. The part where Edward "kills" Bella is perfect.
HuntressEmma said...
on Sep. 29 2010 at 2:35 pm
Wow! Extremely funny! Even if i do love twilight, extremely funny!