If you ignore the fact that Jane Eyre is five times longer than it needs to be and uses ancient words like “ere” and “salubrious,” then this novel definitely has some soap opera potential.

It starts off with an orphan (think Oliver Twist) with a very horrible aunt (think Harry Potter). Proceed to boarding school and position as governess. But before the heroine can fall in love with and marry her master, Mr. Rochester, the author throws in the beautiful, rich Ms. Ingram to make Jane jealous, as well as the crazy, psychotic Bertha Mason, whose existence makes marriage legally impossible.

So what does Jane do? She runs off, experiences two days of homelessness, and then chooses the one house in all of England whose inhabitants are actually her long-lost cousins. The only thing less likely than that is if she had won the lottery. But wait – that basically happens too, when Jane’s long-lost uncle dies and leaves her with twenty thousand pounds.

Jane, being the wonderful and generous person that she is, divides the money among her three newfound cousins. Shortly thereafter, one of them proposes to her. She refuses and runs back to her beloved Mr. Rochester, who never stopped missing her. Unfortunately, he has since become blind and one-armed, and thinks Jane no longer loves him. But she does, and they finally get married.

So after a lot of reading and thinking, “I wish this description of the woods would finally be over,” Jane Eyre finally has her happily ever after, and I’m finally done with my summer reading.