“When we don’t have the help we need, or we don’t feel empowered and supported — particularly in the face of extreme and potentially damaging experiences of violation, such as rape or abuse — the underlying problems are often forced to work themselves out in unhealthy, destructive, and dangerous ways that, in fact, never really do allow us to reach a resolution.”-Amber Smith.

How does someone start over after they experience trauma? Maybe more specifically, how does a 14-year-old start over? Amber Smith’s debut novel, The Way I Used To Be, explores the harrowing story of Eden, a survivor of sexual assault. Due to the mature themes of this novel, the book does come with the following trigger warnings: slut shaming, bullying, graphic rape recounts, sexual assault and harassment, alcohol and drug consumption, and strong themes of trauma.
Like many people today, I was introduced to this book through Instagram. I was only given a brief overview of this book and was immediately interested, but weary. Hopefully, this can give you some insight into this novel.
Eden’s story is told in four parts, each year of her high school career, beginning with the morning after her brother's best friend, Kevin, rapes her. We see her during her freshman year, confused about who she is now. She no longer feels like the girl she used to be. We also see her during her senior year, as her destructive behavior hurts the relationships she values. This outline allows us to not only see Eden grow up but walk side by side with her as she learns to cope with what happened to her.
Eden changes drastically throughout this book. She starts as a shy girl who is bullied by the upperclassmen at her school. She loves to read and spend time with her brother. After her assault, Eden becomes destructive. She changes the way she looks, lies to the people she cares about, and turns to emotionless hookups in an attempt to soothe the emptiness that Kevin caused.
As an eighteen-year-old girl, this book spoke to me on a personal level. Throughout the whole book, I was able to feel the emotions Eden experienced. I felt as though I was with her, watching her make decisions that hurt her. I stood over her shoulder as she told her first love that she never cared for him out of fear. I ran side by side with her as she fled her friend's house as the memories and emotions she tried so hard to shove down came flooding back. I held her hand as she sat in the police station, finally telling the detective what Kevin did to her.
This book mirrors many experiences that men and women face today in our society. In The Story Behind ‘The Way I Used to Be’ Amber Smith wrote, “That something in this story might urge them [readers] to approach those relationships with a greater degree of respect, validation, and compassion — a stance that could go a long way to help spare some of the destruction and heartache we witness in Eden’s journey from victim to survivor.” Amber Smith wrote this story to bring awareness to sexual violence and to help urge survivors to not keep their silence. One in every six American women and one in thirty-three American men have experienced sexual assault at some point in their lives. Along with that, 310 out of every 1,000 sexual assaults are actually reported to the police. If any of these cases make it to court, there is only a 58% chance of conviction for the perpetrator. Not every survivor story is told or heard, but Smith wanted to urge the fact that survivors are worthy.
Eden’s story is a very real experience and one that many people could relate to. The emotion tied into Eden’s story is really what sold me about this book. We are able to see her grow and change, for better and for worse, due to the outline of this novel. Overall, I would give this book 4.5 out of 5 stars and would recommend it in a heartbeat. This book would be perfect for any reader interested in important topics in today’s society.