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Cate,

October 17, 2013
By haley101 DIAMOND, Windsor, Connecticut
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haley101 DIAMOND, Windsor, Connecticut
70 articles 5 photos 195 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.&rdquo;<br /> <br /> ― Mary Oliver

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At this raw and fierce
and intimate hour you
tell me everything

© Monica L., St. George, UT

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This article has 2 comments.

haley101 DIAMOND said...
on Jan. 8 2014 at 8:55 pm
haley101 DIAMOND, Windsor, Connecticut
70 articles 5 photos 195 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.&rdquo;<br /> <br /> ― Mary Oliver

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thank you. haikus are something I've started to work on, and my poems before this were a lot lengthier. the longest i posted was Saphhire's Lexis Mentor which is about four pages. real long. and you're right about the ands too! while i was reading that, i was like, she's so right. i could omitt them completely, or have just one. thanks for the suggestion!
EmmaClaire0823 GOLD said...
on Jan. 8 2014 at 10:04 am
EmmaClaire0823 GOLD, Bay Minette, Alabama
13 articles 0 photos 102 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Be the change you wish to see in the world.&quot;

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I think my biggest critic for this poem is the word "and." It might just be my style, but stating the word "and" three times is overkill for me. You could take out just one of the "and"'s or you could take out both. Just play with it and see what you think. Also, for the phrase "you tell me everything" you can be more figurative. "You pour out your soul" is kinda what I am thinking of, but again it is your writting. I like how short this is, but how much emotion and feeling you have put into it. Great job.