You asked me what was wrong with our relationship
Badgering me for details
As I sweat beads under the heat of the interrogation light
And you inquired again and again if this was really what I wanted
I cried as I drafted the message that would end it all between us
But the relief I felt when I hit enter was the only validation I needed
You asked, demanded, what was wrong
But I challenge you:
What was right?
What was right in our five months of “so what are you up to?”
Of clumsy, obligatory kisses?
We were both amateurs
Too afraid to take the lead
What was right in the jealousy you had every time I was around our best friend?
In the hours I spent crying because I was caught in the middle of some pigheaded fight between you two, feeling like it was all my fault?
God, you overreact a lot
And I tried to ignore the stories
Because I’d only ever seen you angry at video games
It was only on our last night together
That I got a taste of the person you could be
What was right in the six hours at a time we would spend doing nothing, growing bored of each other?
In the fact that we never once went on a “date?”
I’ll put a lot of the blame on myself for this one- half the time I was too anxious to even get dressed
But the fact is my condition worsened in the five months we were together
What was right in the robotic rituals we so naively called “Intimacy?”
In the numbness I felt in place of passion?
I was always the one left feeling I was broken
In the silence of your darkened bedroom
It’s not that I regret the choice I made to date you
Sometimes I wonder how I would have made it through the bleak month of November without you.
It’s not that I regret saying “I love you”
I did mean it.
It’s not that I don’t look back fondly on times we spent together
Our first kiss wasn’t ideal, and it certainly wasn’t romantic
But it was real, and it was ours.
It’s not that I don’t miss you sometimes
I smelled your deodorant in a grocery store the other day and it almost brought me to tears.
But I hear about the way you’ve been acting since I left you
And it only solidifies my decision further
What was wrong in the five months we spent together?
Nothing.
But if you were to ask what was right, I would give you the exact same answer.