Hi honey.
I don’t know whether or not you exist; whether or not you’re even possible, but
I want to write this to tell you I believe in you.

Honestly, I don’t know if you’re a part of God’s plan for my life.
I promise that if you are; I will do everything in my power to keep you from the kind of pain
I grew up with.

I promise to find you a father or another mother who won’t choose a bottle over you;
who  will make you feel safe, and loved, and secure.
Who will hold us both in their arms when this world gets to be too much.

I promise to believe you when you tell me you’re depressed.
I promise to get you help, even if you don’t ask for it.
I promise that I will never tell you to change your body; only to teach you to love and appreciate it.
I promise that I will never purposely ignore you, or make you feel like a burden.

I promise to believe in your dreams, even more than you do;
especially when you want to give up.
I promise to help you believe in yourself, more than anything else.
I promise to teach you all about God. What it’s like to belong to Him, to trust Him, to love Him.
But, if you choose another path, that changes nothing for me.

I promise to love you, unconditionally.
I promise that I won’t make you wear a bra, or shoes.
I promise to let you grow up like a dandelion; wild, and free, and unashamed.
I promise adventures, near and far. I promise to pass on my wanderlust.
I promise to accept you, and teach you to accept yourself and others.

I promise to tell you all about the grandparents you’ll never get to meet, and to help you
become someone they’d be proud of.
And baby, as much as I’d like to promise you that I won’t leave you an orphan, I know I can’t.
Because, I know that if my mother could’ve stayed alive for me, she would have.
There are just some things we can’t control.

Truth is baby, I’m terrified that i’ll never have you, but I’m just as scared that I will.

I don’t know if my body will let you be possible, or if
my mind will ever be strong enough to take care of me, let alone both of us, but
I would give my life for yours any day, just like my mama did for me.

Baby, I’m afraid I’ll afraid I’ll never be able to love you enough, or that
I’ll love you too much, and you’ll break my heart the way so many before you have.
I’m afraid you’ll inherit my heavy heart.
I’m afraid you’ll get hurt and I’ll lose my mind.

I’m afraid of losing you, baby. So afraid, but
I’m more afraid of leaving you.