Dear younger me,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't believe in you the way I should have.

I'm sorry that I didn't know how to stand up for you.

I'm sorry that I didn't understand how sick Dad was.

I wish you would've known that the abuse was not your fault- but a bottle's.

I'm sorry I let the words of others become the blade I cut you with; the fingers I stuck down your throat.

I'm sorry I never let you feel things as deeply as you needed to.

I'm sorry for how long I made you keep all your pain bottled up, and I'm sorry for the day you shattered like the wind shield in the crash you survived.

I'm sorry you survived...

No- I'm not.

I'm not sorry about that, because- look at me.

Despite all your best efforts, I am here.

Still fighting for this crazy story God has given me to tell.

It was worth the fight little one, it was.

Now, I have more good days than I do bad.

I am a year clean from self harm.

I can ride in a car without having a panic attack.

I spend more time out of my bed than I do in it.

Now, I'm learning to be honest; with myself, with my therapist, And with the world. (and I am genuinely trying to be better.)

But even now, I am still hurting- fiercely.

I still miss my parents, and I'm still missing the piece of me they took with them when they died.

I am still trying to forgive my father for everything he did to me, but especially, what he didn't do.

I still struggle with depression and anxiety.

I still get triggered every once in a while.

But now, I am more confident than ever in the fact that my story is worth fighting for.

Now, now- I have hope.

In Christ, in myself, and in the person I am becoming.

And to that person,

I hope the fight is still worth it.

I hope you've finally learned to breathe.

I hope you haven't stopped believing in things; in yourself.

I hope your heart has grown into your body.

I hope it finally feels like home.

I hope you never stop loving people so fearlessly, and

I hope you find someone who will love you the way Oreos love milk, which is to say, 

you are amazing with or without them,

but they soften your edges.

I hope you haven't forgotten everything you've lost, and I hope you remember how hard I fought -

for you

to be.