A first love is like igniting flames.
It is the hand that pushes you forward,
it is the strength
that you lack,
it is the reason to live
and the reason to die,
it is the hope
for the hopeless,
it is the sin
for the sinners,
it is a promise
that you can’t keep.
It is the reason why,
and it is the how, what, when, where.
It is what makes a person shine brighter than the stars,
it is what makes a person blend in with the darkest shadows.
It is the laugh that comes deep inside,
it is the tears that none can hide.
It is the reason
for healing scars,
it is the reason
for new ones.

He was like a dazzling flame that kissed my skin,
burning brighter than the sun.
He was the ashes that floated around me,
caressing me with their heat.
He was the burning embers that lit up the sky.
He was the guide that took me from my lost path.
He was the bandage
to my cuts,
the promise
to never utter another lie.
He was the feeling of my heart
being squeezed.
He was beauty in the
ugliest shadows.
He was the prayer
to my curses,
the Saint
to my sin.
He was the forgiven
while I was the unforgiven.
He was the reason for looking back,
to find that he would always be there waiting.
He was the reason for thinking twice
about the bullet with my name on it.
He was the reason for everything.
But in this life,
there can be no happiness.
None that would last for long.
In this life,
we are tormented with the pain of love
and the pain of responsibility.
Two opposite sides,
yet they all fought
for the same cause.
Which is right
and which is wrong?
No one knows,
and so they continue dancing
to the battle songs.
Bound to our own duties,
our people that we’ve been trained to protect
Our friends
that we watch fall,
our mothers and fathers
who have lost it all.
There is no real right
or wrong,
but that won’t stop the echoes
of their screams.
That won’t stop the battle
that cannot be won.

So, what is love, you ask?

Love is a sin,
it is a curse
under the façade that it is a gift.
It is the darkness that entangles you
through the light.
It is the hands
that grab your throat
and let you choke
on your own stupid desires.
It is the pain of losing,
and it is the lost time
that you can never get back.
It is the places you
can’t go back to,
it is the song you
cannot listen to.
It is the gesture
that you flinch at,
the bitterness
that seeps deep into your veins.
It is the laugh that
turns into a scream.
It is the pain of knowing,
and it is the fear of stepping forward.

He was
my everything.
He was the tears
in my eyes,
the scream from my throat.
He was the sin
to my desire.
He was the knife that cut me,
he was the rain that poured down on me.
He was the flinch of the blade,
the wide eyed look of a bullet.
He was the cry in my veins,
he was the sorrow in my soul.
He was the war
to my peace.
He was the enemy
to my friend.
He was the blood
on my hands,
the weight
on my shoulders.
He was the depression on my body,
he was the death
to my life.
He was the shaking
of my body,
he was the knowledge
of my deed. He was the ghost
to my memories,
and the unfaithful
to my creed.

He was my first love,
and my first kill.