When I was little, I was Mommy’s miracle.
The most important thing in your life.
I was Boo.
Over the years you tried to mold me.
You never laid a hand on me, but the emotional beatings were worse than any physical force on this earth.
I know you lost my older sister.
I know I wasn’t even thought of at that point, but you used to tell me it was my fault.
I wasn’t good enough.
I was spoiled, rotten, selfish, ugly, fat, and an embarrassment.
I was anything but Mommy's miracle.
I was no longer Boo.
I got this from you, the one person who was supposed to nurture me.
to help me grow, show me life as something beautiful.
All I ever got was the ugly truth of life.
I didn’t put you in a good enough light.
Your toy was breaking and it no longer wowed anyone.
I remember holidays,
Every last one I “ruined”.
Every last one I was told
“you ruined my life”
“No one will ever love you”
“I wish you would just die already”
In 2015,
It was my last holiday, I tried to end my life at the beginning of that year.
I thought maybe that year you would get what you wanted for Christmas Mommy.
I would get what I wanted, what every child wants, to make Mommy happy.
110 pills.
110 pills to make Mommy happy.
I remember how you always said to look your best,
so I did my hair and makeup the way Mommy liked it.
My little sister told Daddy and you took me to the hospital.
You cried a bit, but you never told me:
“I love you Boo.”.
No.
I only got:
“How could you embarrass me like this?”.
Four days in and out of consciousness,
Some of which you only sat in the room because you HAD to be there.
Then a week one hundred miles from home.
Telling everyone it was nothing I just wanted attention.
Every call home from the hospital.
Every.
Last.
Call.
You never picked up worried about me, you always yelled.
You didn’t care, Mommy.
You’re once “so precious baby” was over 100 miles from home,
and all you cared about was the bill.
When I got out.
I never got the “I love you Boo.” I remember as a child.
The one I craved, the one with sincerity. I only got.
“I hope you're happy you cost us over 6,000 dollars”
I almost died Mommy.
I almost died to make you happy, Mommy.
I took college courses and pushed myself above and beyond.
I don’t even know what Boo likes to do
and what Mommy liked Boo doing.
I spent months crying every night Mommy.
My own world all I knew was gone.
Mommy didn’t love me, and neither would anyone else.
Nana took me in.
Nana loves me, but I can’t believe her because you don’t.
So why would she?
Why would anyone?
I go months at a time without speaking a word to you Mommy.
do you ever miss me?
I can count on my hands all the times you have called me to see if I were okay.
Less than 5 times in 11 months Mommy.
You never tried to check on Boo.
Do you remember telling people I wasn’t yours Mommy?
Do you remember trying to talk to me about it?
It was Mother's Day,
I still wanted you to love me.
Somehow deep down, I still wish you loved me.
I wish I didn’t cause you so much pain Mommy.
I love you.
I wish you would love me Mommy.
But all you could say was it’s my fault you didn’t love me,
that I scared you so you acted that way.
You’ve never stopped acting that way Mommy.
My birthday this year I turned 17 and I remember being so happy you remembered,
I remember being so happy you called.
I remember being so happy you noticed I was still alive.
I felt like Boo again.
That was one of the best days I’ve had with you in a long time Mommy.
but after that, it was back to not even being your daughter.
And I don’t feel I will ever hear the words
“I love you boo” escape your lips again.
Somehow, I want to thank you though Mommy.
You taught me the most valuable lesson.
“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”
I have a new family now. Nana, Papa, and few friends.
and I hope someday Mommy,
that you will call me Boo like you used too, and I can finally let you back in.
I can have my Mommy back.

Love,
Boo