I want to find you, to hunt you down
but Google searches can only take me as far as one hundred pages of emptiness
So I'd rather feel empty out of my own self pity than to have the internet tell me that there's no hope too
Where are you,
I want to turn every inch of this earth over and inside out
To flip every brick wall and sidewalk, that's pathetic
because I know you're not dwelling under a slab of concrete, or hiding in a cave

You're living in a house with your family somewhere
With food and good shelter and money and some form of a demented happiness,
because how can you live with yourself after what you did
To me

What you did,
To me
You packed up your self-worth, dragged your common sense out and shot it, then proceeded to light your logic on fire and inhale all the smoke,
and even then you still couldn't get high off your own logic, so I just watched you lose all senses
Actually, I never watched you,
because you were never there

I watched you befriend many beer bottles,
you were so popular, weren't you?
So fantastic, so many companions
That you smashed on the tile as your rage grew from a spark
  to lighting my eyes on fire
Every word that slipped out of your chapped lips was another word added to your maudlin vocabulary that only seared the worst memories of you into my mind
Carving broken glass and slurs of curse words with a side of a drugged brain into my mind like I was a piece of wood, some sort of shrine dedicated to my broken heart and lost soul
Waves of Spanish music flooded the walls, drowning out your hollers to the drunken men across from you. Why did you yell?

It's sad, to know that I can stomach and tolerate the odor of alcohol, the incessant aroma of cigar smoke, cigarette smoke,
to be able to walk into a room that wreaks of a drunken festival, and to be so young
to be able to sit there and breathe just fine
That's sad
but because I spent so many times around those scents, I became immune to their pungent smells, you did that
To me

I was small, I didn't need to hear that
To see that, to feel that
To inhale and exhale such darkness
and do you remember, that every time you drank, I cried
because you yelled so loud that my eardrums exploded and my heart felt the force and all at once I became a waterfall
and in the morning, when I had to go find you in whatever house we were in,
to have to go searching for you, room after room
To find you passed out on a couch, wrapped in clothes stained with last night's mistakes
and when I wanted to be the little girl and curl up beside you, because I was cold and you were a mass of loving warmth
I ended up curling up to beer breath and smoke hair
So I went back to sleeping on the cold floor I was forced to lay on

I want to find you, to hunt you down
but the secrets and lies of my own family have prevented me from doing so
So I sink myself in my own sadness, dropping tear after tear
Enough to fill bottles of water to send to the thirsty children
and I only hope that one day you run out of water, that you become so desperate for water
That you search high and low to find the rivers I have cried,
so that way you are forced to come to the source of the abundance of water
but even then you'll probably find another way to survive
Like you have all this time,
without me, without us

You're just a man
and a million people can spit their facts into my face,
but I'll just wipe it clean because,
Yes, you did pay for us,
sometimes
You did watch us,
kind of
You did feed us,
sometimes

There are those good memories, those fun times
But it's been proven that if events are traumatic that they override the good
and, well, let's just say there is no equal here
Fun has been turned to a dark gray
and my blue skies are a charcoal black

It is sad, it really is
To know that I've been able to live without you
I never wanted it that way, I wanted to live with you
To have you there at all my accomplishments, but no
Google told me you were arrested
Well I may not be there to congratulate you but,
Bravo on being dirt, I didn't think you could do it
but you did

And do you know that you're just a man?
Just a man roaming this planet,
because it takes a man to make a child, but a father to raise one