It happened so quickly
But it lasted forever.
A little infinity.
I still wonder what you thought.
That I was inexperienced, though I pretended
I wasn't.
That I was? Did I fool you?
It wasn't my first, but it was our first.
Did you think about that?
So sudden -- it's become foggy.
Even though I can remember
Insignificant details from my youth,
I don't even remember how we got to
that bench.
Maybe I was under a spell, if you'll
Excuse my dramatics.
Don't assume I'm bitter -- I'm not.
I was insecure, embarrassed even.
I still wonder if you judged or not.
But somehow, some confidence managed to
Push through.
I was surprised, too.
Were you planning while I talked,
Blabbering away about something that you
Probably didn't care about
While knowing all the while that
The next chapter of the balmy California night
Would be yours?
I remember that you tapped your fingernail
Against my teeth;
Commented on how much you liked them.
It was weird, but I liked it.
I don't remember how it happened.
Did it rise from a charged silence?
Or did you cut me off mid-sentence?
Rude, but romantic.
I'd like to remember it that way.
But once I was conscious of it,
It was as if we had never done anything else.
I tried new things.
You didn't object.
I expected to stop you at some point;
You told me to.
I didn't.
It surprised me as much as I assume it did you.
Thoughts flew across my consciousness.
I wondered if you were thinking, too.
I never asked.
Would you think it was a dumb question?
Were there girls before me?
More after me than I knew of?
Where was I in the lineup?
I'm only curious. It's only natural.
Does it bother you to know that
You were my only boy? Should it?
I tried to go after others, after
I had given up on you.
But I didn't try, not really.
I hated how deprecating you were.
But I never told you so.
And somehow it was intriguing;
How the things I hated became
The things that drew me in.
I told myself that I saw it coming;
That you were mysterious.
But you weren't.
You were transparent from the start.
And I don't mean that in the way you think.
It's not an insult.
I knew your intentions.
But I ignored them, for whatever reason.
I don't know why that night
Stands out among the rest.
Wasn't it supposed to be casual; nonchalant?
That's how it seems when other people
Speak about their experiences.
Why was this so different in my mind?
Me? You? Our combination of personalities?
Like the Pacific converging with the Atlantic.
Unnatural. But also novel, and exciting.
Could it happen again?
It's not an anomaly.
Am I over thinking it?
Probably.
It's what I do.
Maybe it'd be easier to understand
If I knew you mind
Like you now know mine.