I fight with myself
so much
countless endless battles
all smearing into one
it is worse when I write
the Bald Half starts to win then
(now)
and it's worse at night
when I can remember the perfect planes of your shoulder blades
and the scent of your hair
(now)
and it's worse still
when I write at night
and those thoughts of you pollute my writing
(now)
but I do not always let you win
and by you, of course,
I mean the Bad Half of my self
I can laugh at you
(sometimes)
and feel like I have won that
particular
battle
I can think
'he thinks I still care'
and
'he's more scared than I am'
and I can laugh
because of the pain I don't feel anymore
I can laugh because
I took my freedom back
and I laugh
because you know
(or think you know)
about my sanity
(or insanity)
but you're wrong
and I laugh because I realize
I don't care if you think that I'm insane
which proves to me that I am right
for when I don't care
I know you have no power
and my mind is once again my own
and therefore I am not insane
and I laugh because
the next night
I will fight you from entering my mind
and taking hold
and I will win
and if I let you
it will only be for a little while
and then I will push you back out
I laugh because later I can't laugh
and I must while I still can
and I must laugh
because I know
deep down
even though I can win a battle here and there
I have lost the war
so many times over
because I can neither have you
nor truly keep you from my mind
and I laugh because I want to pretend I can