It’s now 1:48 in the morning,
And I can’t sleep,
Too many thoughts in my head,
About my life, his life, and me.
Thinking bout why my dad left,
Was it because of me?
Or maybe about,
The words my momma said once,
“Imma put you up for adoption, and I won’t care.”
I don’t know if she meant it,
But it really hurt me.
Warm tears now running down my face,
Holding back my cries,
So I won’t awake my mom and brother.
It seems like in my life,
Things start off good,
But never finish good.
I can’t even sleep,
Better yet I have school tomorrow.
Back to the lifestyle,
Of friends calling your name,
Teachers complaining,
Riding your back,
And people never leaving you be.
I hear cars and sirens outside,
But in my head,
I don’t know what I hear.
Is that my brother talking in his sleep?
I don’t even have my own room,
I’m now sharing a room with my brother.
Waiting till dark,
To get these feelings out my head,
So they won’t be seen.
Man, am I crying loud?
I hear the dog waking up.
What time is it?
Did I even complete my homework?
Daddy was it because of me,
That you left?
Mom, those words cut deep,
And has left a huge scar,
In my heart and me.
I don’t even know what I’m writing,
Well yes I do,
My mind.
But I don’t want anybody thinking that I’m crazy,
Like that Edgar Allen Poe,
Who I don’t even understand.
I just want things to change for me,
You feel me?
My older sister says,
“If it wasn’t because of you”,
What does that mean?
Is she serious?
Does she even want me here?
And Precious?
Screw that Precious Jewel,
To be correct.
Why that name?
When you hate my life,
And how I act.
Everyone is like someone must really love you,
To give you that name,
But does she really?
You see I didn’t say they,
Cause the daddy wasn’t even there,
When I was born.
Damn, my pencil lead is going short.
But why wasn’t he there,
Matter fact,
He left once he fount out,
I was going to be born.
Was it because he wasn’t a real man,
Or was it because he didn’t want me?
Idk, but will my questions get answered.
Definitely can’t ask him,
Because he won’t tell even tell me,
Where he’s at,
Or return my phone calls.
2:06 a.m?
I have been writing that long.
I’m not even done speaking my mind.
Wow I’m cold,
But this blanket is too short for me.
Oh well, tough it out,
Until I can get a new one.
Really, what is my purpose?
Am I doing it now?
I know God put me here,
But is he making me go through this,
For a better reason at the end?
Again, I don’t know,
But I do know I’m hungry,
With all this writing.
But I can’t get nothing to eat,
Cause there isn’t anything to get.
My writing helps me,
Get stuff off my mind,
And deal with things in my life.
I’m not even going to read this,
Cause I write,
So others can read.
That’s what a writer is supposed to do right?
My life is kind of like a light bulb.
People see my shining for the time they need me,
But once there done,
They turn me off.
Or you could say like a scratch-off ticket,
You scratch my life off,
Reveal what is,
Notice you didn’t win,
And then you get mad,
And throw me away.
But when, but when,
Will I be a winning ticket?
When someone finds my faults,
And reveals who I am,
And keep trying until they win.
Well yet again, I don’t know.
But I’m sure,
After this entire BS is over,
I will be a winning ticket.
Right? 2:54 am