I'm sorry that you lost your water bottle

I'm sorry the cats ran away

They hissed

And I didn’t know what to say

And in the morning they were gone

If it means anything 

I could only use the rabbit bowl from then on

I’ll give as much as I can

So no one will be as empty as

I will care as much as I can

So no one will be as lonely as

I will give.

When do wars end?

Is it when no one is sick anymore?

Is it when a day passes and no one is killed?

Is it when everyone falls asleep without crying?

Is it when

I

When do wars end?

Is it when the kids get to be just kids again?

Something is changing

I listen to new music.

I never did that before.

Sometimes people don’t like it,

But I still listen to it.

I never did that before.

I’ve started talking to Stella as I fall asleep

Even though it’s been years

Since

I found out that when they say ‘starred’ on the menus, they actually mean ‘scrambled’

Funny right?

I’ve started sharing my poetry

I haven’t done that since I wrote the poem about the sun in the fall when I was six and didn’t know how to spell fall.

I will love so much and all the time even though

I

I have blisters on my hands from crew

I’ve had to be an adult again this week

If you read closely you might find the secret I have just told.

Did you know I cried on the bus?

Then I said I’d had a good day and helped you breathe again.

Sometimes when it’s warm out my limbs get heavy and instead of feeling full of healthy rage the oar just moves too slowly even if I’m at a 44 because I think I might not even be making a ripple.

You can’t breathe through a mask if all the water from the river has landed on it.

I took it off.

I like in ceramics when I can just focus on carving the tiny details

But I kinda wish someone would give me something full of details.

None of the projects I thought I would love actually ended up being that fun

But the ones I was not excited for at all mostly were great.

Do you think if Ms. Filman saw this poem she would give it a good grade for being   “representative of the autistic mind”,

Or do you think she’d take two points off from somewhere because

“It wasn’t enough”

What a horrible thing to say to a kid

My second grade teacher told me I’d never be able to write

Because I didn’t want to write the food groups paper in different colored pencils.

I didn’t even complain 

I just hesitated 

But she said I’d never write.

Did you know that that was the year I shut up?

If you knew me three years ago but don’t know me now it might be kind of strange to you,

But now I never stop talking

Except in pre-calculus or chemistry when I’m too interested in the numbers to want to talk.

Mostly in chemistry I have ideas though,

So I talk then anyway.

Did you know I actually have no name?

I just gave you guys a sound to call me.

Because Pan isn’t always my name

So I guess really I have a thousand names,

I just told you one that rarely bothers me.

Like my pronouns.

I say they/them is generally ok,

But the people I love the most are the people that use the pronouns I give them each day.

But sometimes those pronouns are they/them

So.

There’s the hard thing.