I don't know what love feels like
I've been hurt left and right
But every now and then, someone feels like home
Some one feels so kind when I hug them
It feels like I've known them forever
No matter how much time has passed, i feel safe
I feel loved and I feel heard
But maybe I'm foolish, maybe I trick myself after watching too many romance movies and reading too many books with "true love"
Maybe this isn't it
I wish there was a way to tell
I feel like I'm loosing my mind loving someone up and down while I hold them
But it could all be a gimmick
A fake ruse someone decided to play on my weak, rickety heart
Loving someone who doesn't know you exist, could never happen, or just flat out don't exist is different
You know it can never happen, nevertheless my brain runs wild with thoughts of "well what if they did know me? What if they did exist? How would we be together, in love?"
Those scenarios always feel just a tad more stupid because there's no way, it's all fake, all the love shared is just a figment of my hopelessly lovesick imagination
However,
Thinking that you are in love is weird
All you want to do is love them, care for them
Hold their hand and cup their puffy cheeks and kiss them right there and then in your imaginary daydream that takes place in your dream house; aka your tías kitchen that leads perfectly to a comfy living room that used to have a gorgeous glass table and comfortable couches and a chic art piece in the middle of the wall and rocking chairs on their porch, a little stream with koi fish and white arch way, a place where if you were small enough to fit you could get married under.
But would you ever take them there?
Probably never, only in a hazy lovestruck dream
There are some moments that make me think it could happen though, shockingly
Like holding their hand as they lead you somewhere or sharing something or talking to them while you're in each other's arms
It makes me think this love thing could work out
And that's what sucks
The false hope only for the timing to be off and wondering if you've let your soulmate go
Maybe one day, I'll meet the one and they will listen to my poems as I read them with a stutter here and there
Maybe we'll share earbuds and go on pointless late night drives at 2:00 am and get coffee while listening to jazzy soft music that we both love and that everyone else says makes them "fall asleep at the wheel" even though we're using up precious gasoline and we desperately need a full night of sleep after working too late or staying up until dawn talking about our future in each other's arms, planning our future cat's name, how we'd decorate our house, if we'd have kids, how many would we want and what would we name them?
We'd be so unsure at the same time
We wouldn't know if the fates would truly allow us to have a future together, but we can't help but dream can't we? Because I know I have
I dream and fantasize about everything: love, good friends, a different world, how my life will be when I'm older
But to my soulmate, love is such an interesting concept and emotion and feeling
I've had my "dip in the love pond" but nothing like what I hope to have with you
Without any second guessing or a push and pull just love with a few misunderstandings or arguments that are resolved well and don't make too much a harsh puncture on my heart
True love as I've dreamed of
I cant wait to truly experience it with you
If not in this life, in the next my dear
XOXO,
your love, admirer, and soulmate ❦