Eyes blink open to an empty world,

Reluctant to return to the endless ocean

Of gray colorless mornings

And empty emotions

Door suddenly open,

I blink once, then twice

I forget not the entire world

Is buried in my demise

A world of color, just out of reach

Where weakness doesn’t belong.

A world where needing help is disgraceful 

And constant pain is strong

But the color doesn’t catch my eyes,

There’s a mound of darkness in the hall, 

The shape of a shadow in the light

That floats through my dreams and haunts them all

Again.

The stranger waits before me 

Voice eerily serene

Faceless yet familiar

In this too repetitive scene

Are you okay? Why wouldn’t you be?

You have it all, can’t you see?

No, I’m not.

Flashing anger, like day to night

Transforms right there, before my eyes

Whatever could you possibly mean?

You’re young and bright, you’re just fifteen

Don’t pretend you know what real struggles bring

You’re just a child, you have everything.

Don’t let your weakness come to light

Push your imperfections out of sight.

This repulsive weakness simply won’t do,

After all, you wouldn’t want to be weak, would you?

Go away.

Back to the door, I sit at my mirror,

Still feeling the monster, all in my space

Repeating the battering words of this world

As I try and fail to keep a brave face

What do you want from me?

It just ignores my questions,

Sickly sweet once more

My reflection displayed before us,

Too tired to fight it anymore

Bit heavy on the concealer, don’t you think?

I know.

Bit heavy in general, you’re about to sink.

I know.

Look at you, who would have thought?

Little Miss Perfect, all ripped apart.

I know.

Pathetic. No one will ever love you.

I know.

Not even yourself.

The tears should be tumbling down by now,

Someone, everyone, trampling my dreams!

But consider before your worries,

Before you question me

In a world where everything breaks

It’s the constant there for me. 

In a world where everything shatters

This darkness will always be.

For better or for worse

In sickness and in health

I know this shape of shadows

More than I know myself.

But that’s enough for today,

I shoot up and brush past,

But I don’t miss the smirk

More taunting than the last 

The door flies open, 

My stomps echo on the floor,

Escaping this place of torment

As a soldier into war

Forward and moving, yet no light ahead 

As in the shadows before me

Lays the same pattern, same wood, same grain, same door

...

Just as before.

I throw the door open, history repeating itself,

Back in the familiar room of a maniac,

I stare at the sight before me

And the entity stares back.

Let me go!

I race across my room, the space disappearing in my wake

Only to appear again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

My hands grow worn twisting the cold brass knob,

My mind, my heart, my body, all thrown astray.

The world spins and lights and flashes

As it begins to fade away

What is this prison and why can’t I escape?

Laughing coming from all around

A charming yet so mocking sound

Remember when you failed that test?

When you couldn’t fit in that size two dress?

When he up and left when things got tough?

Remember when you just weren’t good enough?

Constant recollections calling me, crippling me

Can’t calm my mind, more madness, more melancholy

Meeting false fears, feel the fires flood each end

Of the ever broken mind I just cannot mend.

It’s hopeless, don’t you see?

It’s always been like this, just you and me.

You point out my worst

Then push me to be my best

How can I solve a problem

When each cry for help is repressed?

Darling dearest, open your eyes

You’re shattered, damaged, broken inside.

But the only help you’ll ever need

Is not from doctors, your parents, or me.

This is your fault, your mess, your doing, your crime

No professional could fix you with infinite time.

Keep your struggles there, sealed up within

Don’t you dare give up, give out, or give in

What do you suppose they would think of you?

Or say behind you if they knew?

Parents, family, teachers, friends

The audience to your struggle to just meet ends.

How many times have I said,

This is all just imaginary, in your head.

Listen to me sweetheart, you’re perfectly fine.

Ask anyone, our views will align.

Down on my knees again

  My reflection filled with tears

As cool hands touch my shoulders

Rushing blood sounds in my ears

Say it with me, nice and slow,

The voice cooes.

It’s over now, you know.

I know.

Running water flows on down

My head drops to my hands.

So, buried in my deep blue sea

This is how it ends?

You’re broken, the voice presses firmly.

…

I’m broken.

You’re foolish.

I’m foolish.

You’re stupid.

I’m stupid. 

You’re weak.

I’m weak. 

Fire streaming in me like a song,

Emotions I haven’t felt in so so long,

It’s pain and hate and guilt I breathe

The oxygen I so desperately need.

I drive my fist into the mirror, tears pouring, still chanting

I’ll never be enough. It doesn’t register.

A million shards decorate the floor.

I’ll never be enough. 

I hate myself. I hate myself.

I’m worthless. I’m worthless-

The repeated words ring in my ears.

The echo watered down with salty tears. 

The voice I marked so long as unknown

Finally strikes me as my own.

It can’t be.

Catch my eye on a glimmering piece

Of glass beneath my bleeding fingers

A familiar face caught in the frame,

Stares back at me, all the same.

It’s my dark hair, my white teeth

My long fingers, my pale skin

My long forgotten smile grinning at the sight 

Of what I’ve done to me.

Everything’s still bitter gray,

But I’m drowning on dry land

For this expanse of hate and hurt

Is the creation of my hands.

I need help.