she and i are not the same.

yet she lives within my head

she's the little voice inside my head that

tells me what i'm capable of and

what i'll fail at.

she's the best at "what if" questions

and knows all the right ways to get under my

skin.

i don't remember a time when we've ever gotten along, for it's

always been back and forth statements

and harsh words between us.

i'm told to love myself and everything that's a part of me, but

how can i do that when the loudest voice

speaking their disapproval of me

is an alteration of my own?

she and i are not the same.

we do not share the same thoughts

and worries.

i like who i am without her, but i'm still learning who that is because

she's been talking to me for so long.

she worries about everything from

school shooters

to car accidents

to having to speak in front of a class.

all i worry about is

her haunting me.

she pipes down when i'm on my meds,

but my dosage is still too low,

i've been climbing the milligram scale quickly,

but it still isn't enough.

she makes me lose my

spark,

ambition,

determination,

and courage.

she's the reason behind my self-deprecating behaviors, thoughts, and feelings

all because i lack serotonin.

i know it gets better and that

i'll be okay,

but that doesn't take away the feelings

of hopelessness or

"i don't know how much longer i can take this"

she's like my alternate ego,

my arch nemisis,

my worst energy,

my joker to my batman.

she whispers things to me late at night,

and often throughout the day too,

and there's not one place i can turn

to escape from her relentless bullying.