I’ve never been the best.

Never been the smartest

Never been the kindest

Never had the best grades

Never had the best personality

Never had enough time

Never had enough empathy

Never gave people enough space.

But people will lie

And say things like

“You’re smart”

Or

“You’re kind”

Or

“You’re fun”

Or

“You’re strong”

Or

“You’re beautiful”

When they don’t mean it.

When I think hard enough,

I can still hear the glass shatter

As it hit the floor

And exploded

Into millions of sharp shards

Stabbed right into my heart.

I can hear the cries of my sister

Four damn years old

And worried her parents

Were going to hurt each other

Her

Or me.

That night

I wanted nothing more

Than the shouting to stop

And my sister to rest

And my dad

To stay

Out of jail.

I wanted my mom to stop crying

And for everything to be normal

Because I didn’t understand

Why we weren’t

Like most families.

That night

I remember wanting to die.

I was nine.

Holding my sister tight

As if something was gonna come

And take her away from me

And leave me in a world

Where I couldn't love anyone.

That night was the start

Of a series of events

That left me shaking

Like a puppy

In a rainstorm

Hiding under a bench

And praying for my life.

I was about ten when it happened

When everything bubbled over

Just a bit more

Than I could handle.

It was the night after Easter,

201t or 2016

I can’t remember.

I took a knife

Held it to my throat

Walked into the living room

And looked my baby sister

Dead in the eye.

“I love you, don’t hate me,”

I said as she began to cry

And I walked into the kitchen,

Just about to push it

Through my skin,

When the cries got to me.

I dropped the knife

Banging on the floor

Echoing in my eardrums

Such a small item,

But to me,

It was my whole world,

And I ran into the living room,

Hugging my sister tight

And letting her know

I was there.

I didn’t realize how badly

The divorce had f*cked me up

Until that night.

Sometimes 

I want to forget those nights

Because I know 

I wouldn’t get that

Selfish twinge of jealousy

Whenever I see my friends

Happily

In their own homes.

I wish I could feel normal.

Because even now,

The depression has only gotten worse.

But I hold my head up

And live on.

It’s what my sister needs me to do.