I insert the disc
Punch POWER with my porky finger
And Daniel, give me that controller
I’m PLAYER 1: THE DEATHONATOR
And I’m going all the way to level fourteen today
Yeah baby!
All you bearded terrorists better stuff your bombs in your turbans and scram
‘Cause I’m speeding right behind you in my camouflaged army truck
And the red bar at the top of my screen assures me I have ten lives to spare
So go ahead
Use your evil Muslim powers on me and shoot your embezzled guns
I’ll blast your Arab brains out with my machine gun that’s got the American flag
painted on both sides
That’s right, Muhammad
Last words, Hussein?
You’re about to be brought to justice by me: PLAYER 1: THE DEATHONATOR
What do you think about that?!
Oh, you die so easily
And HA!
There goes your arm,
Whizzing through the air
Maybe you should have thought of that before you terrorized my county!
Oh man, listen to your stupid shouts
As you’re blown to pieces
AAAIIIEEE!
Your blood shattering in mid-squirt and disappearing as the scene changes
You there!
Burning my nation’s flag
Your evil flames licking at her proud fabric
I don’t know your name or your family
But I will kill you, because I am almost to level fourteen!
There
Your red blood mixing with the regal stripes of my thirteen colonies
And there will be no rancid body
No consequences
Because you’ve already vanished and the background has already changed again
What’s that, Daniel?
The little numbers to the left say I’m low on time?
Well I’ll just shoot you, Abdul,
and hop on your camel and race off
I’m almost to the Mosque
With two lives left
And I should be able to bag me a few more Arabian Knights before --
ARRG!
NO!
They’re all over me!
BAM! You killed me!
BAM! You killed me again!
Ugh, and so close, too
I sigh
Put down the controller
I’ll just have to start level fourteen again
(D*** Muslims!)
This time I’ll get ‘em
Daniel, did you say pizza?
Pepperoni?
And Root Beer?
I guess the game can wait
Let me pause
And don’t trip on my BB-gun on the way out, man
Mmmm…
I love pizza
You know something, Danny?
I’m joining the army soon as I can
If I’m lucky, I’ll even get some action!
You should join too; you’re real good
You’re on level sixteen
What do you mean, college?
GEEK!
HA HA!
Okay, back to it
I’m ready now
I’m going to win!
Un-pause the game
Daniel, the controller!
I’m PLAYER 1: THE DEATHONATOR
And I’m going all the way to level fourteen today
Yeah baby!