Contemplating incomprehensible,
Her fingers reach out and graze the razor sharp edge of a kitchen butcher knife,
Calmly memorizing the outline and shape,
So that should she choose the exit,
It would come cleanly in the dark,
No floundering and slipping and sliding through sweat soaked fingers,
One moment of pain and the next…
Sweet oblivion,
The only sound her heart beating its last,
And the shallow breath of death by her ear,
Ready to lay her to sleep one last time.

And she imagines seeping out of the thin rubbery bag that has held her organs together for so long,
Dissolving herself until she was nothing but a puddle of color,
And leftover molecules flaking off and floating away,
Part of her would fly, she reasons.

For a moment the image was peaceful,
The letting go so crystal clear that for a moment she contemplated testing the blade…
But then it was swept up again,
And her dream fantasy turned into a half-awake nightmare as her family elbowed their way into her fairy tale,
And the crying and screams brought moisture to her eyes,
Where they swam and fell brokenly,
Weaving a well known path down the contours of her face,
And the haunting image played behind her eyes of a mother and sorrow,
And skeleton fingers pressed against a mouth cemented together to suppress a building scream of anguish,
And the horrible accusation…
You are the cause of this,

Like a punch in the stomach the image shatters,
And the next moment Fear’s rough fingers wrap themselves around her throat,
Tightening like a noose,
And she screams to herself,
Do it! Do it!
Finally she has made up her mind to not be afraid,
To let it happen,
So she picks up the knife…
And throws it as far as her arm can reach,
Listening to the clatter as it hits the floor.
Her breathing hitches and suddenly she is crying again,
Because she will never give into her fear,
She will keep on going no matter how hard it hurts,
Because dying is easy,
Living is hard,
Living is scary and brutal and beautiful,
Death is cowardly,
She is strong enough to put the knife down,
Strong enough to keep breathing gulps of air.

Strong enough to live.