A warning: This is ruthlessly harsh. If you want to marry Taylor Lautner and/or Jacob Black, don't take it personally and don't be reduced to tears. Twihards, don't feel the need to come to a cold realization of Stephenie Meyer's flawed "novels" and their imperfections, it's okay if you still want to worship them.

Oh. My. Holy. God. What. A. Sad. Little. Miserable. Piece. Of. Crap.

These were my thoughts precisely as I started Twilight the first installment of addiction by Stephenie Meyer. On the flip side, parts were mesmerizingly poetic and romantic and so Shakespearian. It's the magic of Twilight -- or at least it's what makes these books so unbelievably popular.

You have to give Stephenie Meyer credit for a few things. One: She knows how to make money. Two: She does this by knowing her audience and observing what they want to read (so basically teenage boys with ripped abs and true love). Three: While providing a risque romance novel for teenage girls (complete with a sex scene, albeit the couple is married), she inserts her Mormon values of abstinence making it relatively "Mother-approved". While I'm no fan of the writing, she knows how to mesmerize the audience with her poetic words, little blips of humor, and a nail-biter story. Even the harshest of us critics were flipping pages madly trying to find out what happened next.

But these books made me want to scream at times! If I ever read one more description of Edward's "marble arms" or "stony face" or "frigid, rock-hard abs" I will scream. Of course, it was phrased more eloquently with "big words" taken straight from www.dictionary.com (as an attempt to up the vocabulary level and make it seem like a solid piece of literature).

And don't even get me started on Bella. Have the shelves of Barnes and Noble ever seen such an anti-feminist heroine? For months on end in New Moon she sits in her bedroom depressed because Mr. Stony Cold Abs Cullen a.k.a. her true love had left her. He must not be a very quality man if he was willing to leave her like that, right? My advice to Bella; Find a therapist. Ask her for antidepressants. Take them. Use them. Dump your boyfriend. Find someone who doesn't want to taste your blood and doesn't feel the need to sit in your bedroom every night watching you sleep (stalker alert, Bella. Have you ever been to Health and Safety class?).

And YIKES! Trying to come up with a little remake of Romeo and Juliet, hoping it will be just as adored for centuries to come? I think not!

However, I can't but help applauding Stephenie Meyer a little tiny bit -- she wrote something that sells and satisfies many, despite most critics deeming it...uh...crap. Publishing isn't an easy endeavor, but publishing something that will most certainly appear on VH1's I Love the 2000's is quite a feat.