“Did a mouse bite your tongue Keyli?” teased my dad's friend as I awkwardly sat at the end of the table furthest away from people. Just enough room from the adults to ensure it would be a struggle for them to try and make conversation with me. I sat lost in my own thoughts the way I liked it. In my head I pictured a life of fame in which I was the star of everyone's attention. Everyone's head would turn when I entered the room. People would talk with my name in their mouth saying good and bad things but it wouldn’t matter because I would be self assured. My life growing up wasn't too different from being a celebrity though. Every time I walked into a room I felt like I was being vigorously watched every turn of the head was directed to me. Every chuckle and laugh was making fun of me. Only I wasn’t self assured for all this not to bother me, instead my stomach grumbled and cried every time I was put in a new social situation.

“Comfortable silence is so overrated. Why won’t you ever say what you want to say?” From the moments I heard these Harry Styles lyrics play in the song, From the Dining Room Table, I instantly felt understood. I used to pride myself in how much I could feel secure in “comfortable silence” thoughts swimming in my head for hours. I relied on myself for entertainment. In new settings all I felt was fear and anguish. It was me against everyone. Everything I could dream of saying would make someone hate me. Every breath I took would aggravate someone. Everything I did made me feel inferior to everyone else. In school I would observe people to see who I wished I could be. I wished I could be the effortless funny girl who had more friends than she could count. I wish I could be the charming boy who anyone could fall in love with after just one conversation. But mainly I wished I could be enough. Enough for myself to love. Enough to not want to die everytime I had to talk. It took a while for me to act the way I truly wanted to. To be myself to people who didn’t know my every thought like I did. Discovering Harry Styles’s lyrics during this time period of finding myself helped me in more ways than I knew were possible. 

As time went by I became more confident in myself. I started to speak out when I had something to say. Using my voice as a tool. It took a while to learn how powerful my voice was. I was used to my brain running miles of thoughts. I soon learned that these thoughts could have more than just negative effects on people. Saying whatever I thought caused laughter, joy, and happiness in people. Unfamiliar with this feeling I began to speak out. I used my voice as my main source of comfort. Telling jokes as much as I can because the laughter fills my heart. Making new friends in every new environment because company is better than being alone. Alone in my mind. Alone in the sixth- grade hallways fighting my crippling social anxiety. Alone in the playground while everyone talked to my cool older brother. Alone in the summer camp bathroom crying all the tears I had in my five year old body because I was too scared to talk to the other kids. Alone everywhere new. Silence is only comfortable for a certain period of time before it becomes painful. These lyrics helped me realize that using my voice could help me just as much as my own silence could. The silence that was slowly killing me my whole life. The silence that I'm trying to reclaim from years of torment and despair. Comfortable silence is so overrated.