Dear Addiction,

My name is Ashlyn, I’ve heard about you from my dad and other family members. I always see you and my dad together. Maybe we have gotten off on the wrong foot, right? A friend of my dad's is a friend of mine. I may have seen him without you once my whole life. I don’t know if you know me… has he mentioned me? Perhaps over a drink or smoke? He proclaims I am his life… but yet he goes out with you more than he has with me. Maybe not… but may I ask, why? Why my dad? He has battled so hard; he has come to a comatose with your relationship. I have studied you and studied you hard. How could you overcome someone so sweet with such anger? How is it you can turn a beautiful wannabe family into a dysfunctional nightmare? Is there a way I can make you go? What is it you desire? You have the one thing I want. You really are the Devil’s disease. Here I am reaching out to you, I know you hear my call. The hurt, the confusion, the anger… all because of you. You have knocked down the one thing I needed.

            What happened to you? Why did you take him in so welcomed? I find myself out after the street light goes off, just to find him in the same place I left him. Where do you take him? I feel unsettled about the intentions you have with my dad, with his actions recently. What did you tell him it was? Are you guys fighting? He seems angered and frustrated with my very existence. Almost like he hates me. Has he told you anything? Did you say anything? I feel myself getting older, and I notice him fade away more. I notice he choices your calls over mine. He now opens the door for you and leaves me to open it for myself. You and I are competing in every life. I find it unfair… unmatched. What happens after him?

            Are you coming after me? I promised mom I would stay away. Maybe one hangout would not be bad. Maybe catch me up on my dad. If we hang out I must be home by 11, my mom has a curfew. She wants me home safe… and doesn’t tell her. I am not supposed to hang out with strangers. I am afraid she will resent me forever, after all, you did to my parents and family. Second chances, am I right? You changed, so you claim. After all, you do preach that numbness beats pain, anger beats true feelings. No pain. Sometimes I feel like I do need you. To live in a world with numbness. But no, this isn’t right. Why are you getting angry at me? I don’t need you… but dad thought he did, didn’t he? You trapped him. Please let him go. I think it would be pretty cool to my mom if I could shake you of him. Walk-in with the old humble him, the one my mom talks about to this day.
            “Don’t worry baby he’s in there.” She would say.

 The man I always wanted to look up to. Maybe he could finally teach me how to let my walls down, that you had made me put up in the first place. The man I heard all the stories about before I was born. Maybe we could have a conversation like we use to have, like that one day. I sure do miss him, maybe you can bring him back? From a young age, I picked up that just because someone is there, doesn’t mean they will come back. Here I am, right? My last resort… begging you to set him free.

            I bet he is very confused with me… hot and cold. What do you tell him it is? Do you tell him I don’t love him? Do you tell him that I wish he would leave? Maybe you remind him I’m the reason he is doing what he is doing? Whatever it is, just like my dad I fight. I see you in all the pictures of him and I together, I’ve figured you out. I will stand here and tell you, no one messes with my family. Let him go.

            You’re the one losing, not me. I stand by it, that I will always win over you. I feel you coming towards me, I will set myself free. Maybe in return let my dad go. I wish you would take me over him… if you let him go I will take my chances. I will fight with you. Take all of me. He does say. he doesn’t do anything I can’t. The difference is because there is a fire in me. You have a fireplace unable to be lit. The only fire you can have to stay warm is when people feed off what you tell them. You are unneeded. You are unneeded in this family, and your business with my dad should be wrapping up now. Look at me, I sound like the mad cat lady in room 3C begging for you to be quieter. 

            I would sincerely appreciate you leaving my dad where you found him. Maybe I would like to be with him for a couple of years… from here on out I don’t expect to see you around for a long while. As I do not look forward to our next reconcile. As you might be winning now, you will lose in the long run. Every time. You took my father, but it doesn’t mean you get to take me. I want to pray for my soul and my mom’s for purity. Every day I just share a prayer to hope your bitterness will leave your heart. Please, feel free to write back. I am not looking forward to hearing back.

            Sincerely,

Ashlyn