It's the worst when you don't have friends in high school. But it becomes unbearable when you know it's your religion that prevents you from having friendships. As a Muslim, I've had my share of accusing glares and being ostracized because of the scarf on my head. Not going into depth on that; but I do know and accept that I am terrified of going up to a group of people to talk to or introduce myself. I'd rather go sky diving than go up to a group of friendly strangers. 

I moved my senior year of high school (yeah, I became that kid), and had to start all over when it came to friends. Most of the friends that I had junior year before I moved were pretty diverse, and they were people who didn't judge my shaky financial upbringing, religion, and loved me for my goofy and childish nature.  A lot of people didn't talk to me, but that was fine. I've always had a few friends, and it never bothered me. But this year everything changed.

This year I didn't have friends. Although there were two people who were awesome enough to sit with me at lunch, the boy who sits with us refuses to talk to me. The girl who I sat with is really nice, but the only thing we really talked about was how awful our AP Lit teacher is. Long story short, they aren't willing to sacrifice anything for me. We barely knew each other! It hurts that I tried to consider them my friends when all they do is sit and stare at their phones while they eat. But at least I had someone to sit with, right?

Yesterday after I graduated from high school, I spend half an hour breaking down in my closet because I didn't realize how alone I was this whole year. When I saw happy graduates hugging each other and taking group pictures, I've realized that I didn't have someone to grin from ear to ear with. No one.

I'm not trying to be all mopey on you guys, but this year was brutal. I've imagined my high school years being surrounded with lots of friends like in the movies. But I end up watching that happen from afar. It didn't matter how friendly I was to everyone, or how interesting the conversations I come up with are. Some laugh and forget about me, or fake smile and continue talking with their friends they've had since elementary.

That's why I didn't go to my school's senior party. I knew it would be lots of fun, but what's the point of going when the one or two people who actually like talking to me weren't going to go?

I did get dirty looks from kids at school, or get looked at in disgust from a preppy girl who looked me up and down, but I think I survived. I've never been so scared about college in my life. Everyone says that college gets so much better, and I hope so. I just wish I wasn't yet another teenager who had a bad high school life, but I guess I am.

What's really sad about this is knowing that if I went to a urban school and not the suburban ones I've been forced to go to, I would have LOTS of friends. No, I'm not saying I hate white people. I'm just saying that it's easier to be accepted when your not one of the only two Muslim girls in the ENTIRE senior class (of 575). It's easier when you're not the only black girl in most of your classes. People are more friendlier and more willing to accept differences when you're not the only one. My sisters and I have always talked about how amazing life would be if we moved to a Minneapolis school. But I had to graduate from a place where nobody had a clue what the scarf on my head is called.

What do you think? Do you think I'm over-reacting in bringing my religion into the fact I had no friends? I don't think I am, because I have an older sister who's always been the most social person ever. Everyone loves her. But when I admitted to her how I had no friends, she told me that she had only one when she was in high school. I was shocked. How can my sister, who draws everyone together like a magnet, become ostracized? College life for her became a world of bliss; she gushes about all the fun she has with all the friends she made everyday. But knowing that someone who's so fun and friendly can be shunned because of a simple cloth around her head is ridiculous.

Right now my goal is to spend summer vacation forgetting about the past, and spending time with family. Oh, and complaining about my life to you guys.