I wasn’t born with mathematical skills, knowledge of how the world works, a dictionary installed in my head, nor do I have our AP U.S. History textbook ingrained into my bones. I panic and is thrown into a frenzy every time the teacher announces a pop quiz, or every time I realize that I forgot my calculator at home, or every time I’m called on in class involuntarily. I’m shaking in my sneakers when I present in front of the class even after memorizing everything there is to remember of my speech. I suffer from waves of sadness whenever someone doesn’t respond to my greetings. Hearing that, you must think I’m a mess of a student, but still, even like that, I’m in the hardest academic classes in my city’s best high school. Many of the other students tell me you’re smart, you’re smart, you’ll probably get into any college you want, I’m so jealous of you, why are you so smart, don’t complain because of your B+. But do they know how much I’m struggling? The reason I can keep my grades and classes isn’t because I’m Asian, therefore somehow biologically smart, but because I work for it. I really really try. So. Damn. Freaking. Hard.
Want me to let you in on something? Starting two nights before a math test, I would be so overcome with nervousness that I wouldn’t sleep until 3 or 4 a.m. lying on my bed, running math formulas in my head. Want to know something else? Everytime I get a B- or a C, my throat closes up, tears begin to form in my eyes. Swallow, blink. Don’t cry. That would be too pathetic, to see everyone’s worried faces asking me if I was okay. Everytime my parents brag about my academic achievements to others, I force on a smile, hoping that when I show them my pop quiz they wouldn’t show that face of disappointment. And everytime my parents hopefully ask me if I want to go with my little sisters out for a walk, I painstakingly shake my head, telling them I still have an essay to finish. Did you know this?
But please don’t misunderstand. I’m not complaining about my life. I had expected this when I signed up for my courses. I’m just telling you that perhaps that girl or boy who you thought God created unfairly to have great grades is working harder than they let on. That perhaps the reason that they didn't smile after getting a good grade wasn't that they were being cocky, but maybe they breathed a sigh of relief and was currently preparing for the next battle. And that perhaps instead of remarking that it’s as expected when they get an A, maybe you should appreciate the time they took to study and the seriousness they have towards academics. Because, trust me, we do try exceptionally hard.