I have a distinctive memory of when I was younger– a couple of years ago at most, one that I have never shared with another. I was staring at my reflection after a rough day at school, tangled up in the mess of my thoughts, a mercurial temperament. I remember as my eyes traced the outline of the tanned figure before me, I wondered what it would be like if I were of lighter skin. What would life be like if I were white? That day is slowly slipping from my memory’s grasp, but I will never forget it. I will never forget that calamitous feeling of drowning. Drowning in the hatred of myself, or was it rather the hatred of all else? 

Tell me, why is an eight-year-old child sitting afore a harsh reality, for days on end, asking for the unaskable– the inescapable question haunting her, as she tries to run away, as she continues to try and escape its crooked grasp?

People's perceptions of themselves and others are fundamentally subjective. However, the inclusion of race relations, as well as stereotypes and systematic depictions, blurs the distinction between subjectivity and objectivity.

In the 1940s a psychological experiment named the “doll test”, was conducted by psychologists Kenneth and Mamie Clark, to study the cognitive effects of segregation on the younger generation. Children from several different racial backgrounds (including Caucasians) were shown different colored dolls ranging from pale to dark skin. Questions such as “which one is smart,” “which one is bad,” which one is ugly,” along with their reciprocals were asked. Of all questions, the darker dolls were associated with the negative responses and the lighter with the positive. This revealed the negative light, imperceptible to an outside perspective, children of color saw themselves in.

One would think that 80 years later, in a time far past the darkness of segregation, the world would have evolved into a more accepting place. However, recent reenactments of the “ doll test” have proved that despite our progress, this fixed mindset outlining racism continues to find its way through the smallest cracks in society.

A major factor of this sustainment proves to align itself with the “stereotypical” portrayals of people of color in the media industry. Take Disney for example, a company targeted towards the likes of the younger generation. For the longest time princesses along with princes were only depicted as white– conveying the message that the seemingly impossible “happily ever after” could actually be achieved.. by having white skin.

Independence and love. Both are qualities so ingrained in us Americans. We can find them spoken through the lips of the wise, in the golden laughter of graduates receiving their diplomas alongside their brothers and sisters, in the hustle of a busy street - powerful graffiti words sheltering passersby with their striking colors, and in the heart of a mixed baby, just born alongside a Caucasian. Her lively blue eyes tilted up like crescent moons, just like her loving white father. Her brown puffy hair tightly curled like the bonds of her fierce black ancestors. Her bold chocolaty skin - not a trend, but a profound statement of strength and power, uniting the black and white within her.

What we don’t realize is that even from the beginning, we are depriving ourselves of these qualities– turning us against ourselves. It is crucial to acknowledge our past, and to step forward, hand in hand regardless of race or color. The media needs to change. We are progressing– but the heavy darkness of racial discrimination remains. 

If only I could go back to that day. To tell myself that I am beautiful. That brown is beautiful.