Dear “Cat,”

You are becoming quite a rebel in the household.  You scratch the carpet, the bed, the couch, and my backpack, even though you have a scratching post.  You leave chew marks on pens and pencils.  You eat the electrical cords and surprisingly haven’t gotten shocked yet.  Leaving books out in the open isn’t a good idea because you will eat those as well.  During the spring, all you do is eat every bug that catches your eye.

When it’s time to eat, you whine constantly until you’re fed.  While others are eating, you try to steal their food from their plates which is not okay.  When you get caught, you act like you didn’t do anything wrong.   When it’s my turn to eat, you’ll chase me away and steal my food as well.  While the family is preparing their food, you’ll rub on their legs and then scratch them leaving piercing marks just to make sure that they know you were there.  Instead of drinking from your water bowl, you drink out of the shower instead.  You move your food and water dish around just to tell us that it’s time to eat. 

In the morning, you tear my curtains just to look out the window.  You scratch the screens on the window because you think you can attack whatever is on the outside.  I’m pretty sure I have bite marks in my skin because you just love attacking me because I either stole your sun spot or because I’m sleeping on a specific person lap and you aren’t.  You basically attack me for no reason, even if I didn’t do anything to you.
You can’t stand the sight of water, but you will sit the bathtub or on the toilet anyway.  When someone has to use the bathroom, you treat it like it’s a race.  Then we end up tripping over you.  Then you leave us with an offended look.  You will go in the kitchen sink all by yourself but when someone brings you toward it, you act like it’s the scariest scene you’ve ever witnessed in your life.

Whenever you find yourself on one of our beds, you check every available spot that’s there.  There might be no available spots but you will surely sit on anything that’s on our beds just to make a point.  Your best napping spot is where I sleep which means you will do whatever it takes in order to ensure you get it.  I might hiss and scratch at you but that won’t stop you.   If that isn’t where I usually nap, you will find another tiresome spot, lay down, and then start purring.  If by a chance we have the courage to move your sleepiness, you will stretch out, whine a little, and then go back to sleep. 

Our home used to look so decorative during the Christmas holidays until you came along and ruined it.  We unfortunately can no longer have a Christmas tree because it usually ends up sideways on the floor with its lights and ordainments torn off it.   We have to also forget about having the fake Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus up because you will attack them and eat their hair because you think they’re a threat.  When we unwrap presents, you steal the wrapping paper to make confetti out of it and then you look at us like you did nothing wrong.  If there’s a gift bag laying around, you will claim it as yours and hide in it.  If someone tries to take you out of the bag, you attack their feet.  You even hide in the garage bag that has all of the wrapping paper and toys wrapping.

When we wear shoes with laces or anything enjoyable to you, you attack our feet.  We can’t have nice clothes because you scratch them to death.  When the clothes have just came out of the dryer and put in the basket, you lay on them and make them all hairy again.   Sleeping on the clothes might be an inconvenient spot for us but for you it’s just flawless.

When we throw you your favorite toy, you bat it around the house until it gets lounged under the fridge or in between furniture.  Petting you is always a mystery because one moment you could be rubbing our hands with your furry face and purring and the next you could have hold of our hands and be sinking your sharp nails into them leaving a mark. 

The most irritating thing you do happens at night.   As soon as we go to bed, you race back and forth between each room of the house, probably for no reason but to be annoying.  You play with your loudest toy and bat that around the house.  I don’t know why you yell at the top of your lungs with a toy in your mouth but you do.  When you think there’s no one around, you go to the bottom of the basement steps and whine just to hear your voice echo.  When you make yourself to come and lie down with one of us, you pick the silliest spot which is either our feet or head.  There is no reason to have an alarm clock because you have claimed that rightful place by meowing as loud as you can.

You attack the mirror when you see your reflection.  You lick yourself in front of everyone.  You leave presents all over the house.  You stink up the litter box.  And you claim everything as yours.  You are by far a complete and total nuisance.

But because of all of that I must say this.  Because we tolerate your meowing and poor choices of behavior you must be excepting of us.  You might not want to be picked up and held but you must simply not protest and just enjoy.  When we brush you, you must act as when you are laying on us and purring in our ears.  You are simply the most irritating 25 year old human being in the whole world.  You should also considered getting a life as well!

Sincerely,
The Real Cat of the House