EL CHEAPO AIRLINES
Airplane Safety Announcement Parody


Welcome aboard El Cheapo Airlines flight 401 nonstop service to Orlando! We thank you for choosing to fly with El Cheapo Airlines, and not with those losers over at United®. Safety is our number two concern; our number one concern is deciding what film to show during our flight. Ha ha just kidding! We can't afford in-flight entertainment. During taxi takeoff and landing your seat belt must be fastened securely across your lap. For a demonstration on how to do so we ask that you pay five dollars to one of our crew members. Whenever the captain turns on the fasten seat belt sign, your seat belt must remain fastened and if it's not you will be charged with a $199.05 insubordination fee.(Cash only of course and exact change is expected). El Cheapo Airlines is a non-smoking airline and smoking is frowned upon on board our aircraft. You can do it, but people will give you dirty looks and that’s not cool, besides you don’t want to become known as “that guy who smoked on the plane and ruined the flight for everybody”. Tampering with or disabling lavatory smoke detectors is a federal offense and will result in an FBI investigation, interrogation, drug sniffing dogs, the CIA, NASA…oh wait that’s right the government has much more important things to do right now; okay then never mind tamper with it all you want. In the event of an emergency... good luck! No just kidding FAA requires that we must explain to passengers what to do an emergency. Otherwise they will come down on our asses faster than a bird through an engine turbine.

So in the event of a water landing life-vests are located and locked in a bin beneath your seat. In order to unlock simply pay the $8.12 lock fee to get a key. Once the vest is unlocked from beneath your seat blow into the tubes to inflate. If you have asthma just swim and hope for the best. An inflatable slide will also detach from the aircraft doors which can function as a life raft (oars not included). Did we mention that your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device?! We can't promise it will actually stay afloat but hey give it a shot! The kids can play pirate with it.

In the event of a rapid change in cabin pressure oxygen masks will fall from a compartment above your seat. Place the mask over your mouth but make sure to place your mask on first before ignoring others. To start the flow of oxygen simply pay the $10.05 oxygen fee and breathe deeply. This 737 has eight exits each clearly marked with red and white exit signs. Keep in mind that the nearest exit may be behind you and if it is and you need to escape, simply beat up the guy next to you to get to it! If you're seated in an exit row you may be required to assist the crew in an emergency .Failure to do so will result in being kicked off the plane…no we mean literally getting kicked off the plane. So if you don't have a parachute hope Superman comes to save you. Once we reach our cruising altitude In-flight meals will include a bag containing one stale pretzel and yesterday’s unfinished bologna sandwiches. What are you expecting? a gourmet meal? At this time all portable electronic devices must be turned off, tray tables and seat-backs must be in the upright position and carry on’s shoved into the overhead compartment. That includes the kid in the back, seat 22F with the iPhone listening to music playing Candy Crush® while texting your “Bff Jill” yes you turn off your phone now or we will make random phone calls to people and play all your games, use all your data and then sell it on Amazon! So when it comes to choosing an airline that flies the best we know you have a choice in the matter. We thank you for choosing El Cheapo Airlines have a safe and "enjoyable" flight! Muhaha!