Dear Body,

I know that this letter is long overdue. I just felt as if I should apologize. You didn’t deserve the hell that I put you through. I was your girl, and your only job was to protect me, little did you know you would have to protect me from myself. While I was worried about the number on the scale and the food I was eating, you were worried about how you were going to keep my heart beating and sustain my energy throughout the hours of extra workouts I put you through before I finally laid my head on my pillow, only to find out that I was anxious and had insomnia. I wasn’t thinking about the fact that I could die, I was thinking about the fact that I had girls begging me for my secret. I wasn’t thinking that my grades dropping was due to the insane absence of focus while my stomach was rumbling in class. But then again, maybe I wasn’t thinking at all.

You were sending all the signs that you could to get my attention. Everytime I stood up I could see the night sky before my vision finally cleared. I didn’t have to be doing a million turns in dance class to feel dizzy. I couldn’t ride my bike with my uncle like I used to. I couldn’t run around the back yard with my first puppy ever. I hated my parents because I thought they would make me fat. I was scared to go to parties and social events that had food. My body was sending me all the signs, but my brain had a contradiction for every one of them. The light inside of me died, as I lost the passion for the things I once loved. I was no longer myself, and the little girl inside of me died. I was an entirely different person.

Eventually you gave up, and I don’t blame you. I was ignoring you, so why try anymore? You did the bare minimum to keep me breathing and you were always running on empty. That’s when professionals stepped in and helped me to see what I was doing to you. I saw that it was unfair to my body to keep living the way I was. I knew that I needed to change, for your sake. 

Doctors, therapists, and dietitians, helped me to learn how to trust my body. I am still learning to allow my body to tell me what it needs, but “practice makes progress”.

So in conclusion, I am sorry. Thank you for not giving up on me and for keeping me alive. Thank you for forgiving me when I asked for it, and most of all, thank you for being my home. You are the only thing that I have for life. I need to respect and care for you. So, from here on out I vow to do everything possible to provide you with the nourishment and love that you need and deserve.

Love,

Me