I’d always thought of the dark as a shelter. I felt secure and alone. A place I could sit back and think without any interruptions. It numbed any pain I felt because of the outside world. A place to rest and forget. Somewhere I could go to feel empty; hallow. Now I was afraid of it. The dark wrapped around me like a caterpillar in its cocoon. I never let my nightmare get to the point where I would die, but unlike a caterpillar in a cocoon, I wouldn’t emerge a butterfly.

Instead, I would be released a lifeless corpse. My limp body would fall to the ground, cold and pale. My eyes would be trapped open. Glazed over, and would never again show any kind of emotions. My breath came out in wild gasps, as I continued to struggle. Tighter and tighter I was being squeezed. Just when my chest could no longer expand, and my lungs were screaming for more air. I forced myself awake, jerking upright. I placed a shaky hand over my mouth to keep from screaming out loud.

Sweat rolled down my face and I took several deep calming breaths. My room was dark, and it only reminded me of the reoccurring nightmare. My one safe haven has now become my worst nightmare. It was now my death. I leaped from my bed, and flipped on the light. I blinked in the brightness trying to make my eyes adjust so I could scan the room for whatever haunted me. As always, I found nothing. I don’t even know what I expected to find. I half expected to find a demon laughing at my misery from the shadows.

I believed in a higher power. How could there not be something? Higher powers for both good and evil, but I’d been raised by the evil. My parents brought no good into our home. Now, even away from them, evil stalked me like a lion would its prey. My grandmother was a kind, good hearted woman, but even she couldn’t keep them away while I slept. Maybe they would leave me alone if I cared more about life. But how could I? My dad is in jail for beating my mother, and my mom in rehab for drug and alcohol abuse.
That’s what confuses me.

People actually feel bad for me. Why would anyone feel bad for me? I’m not the one going around beating people I supposedly love. Nor do I turn to drugs or alcohol because I can’t handle what life dishes out to me. I feel like I get more sympathy then my poor old grandpa who could pass any day now.

“Knock, Knock.” Jesse said interrupting my thoughts.

“What do you want Jesse?” I hissed. I hated when he just barged into my room like he owned it.

“What’s with the light? It’s like two in the morning.” He complained, leaning against my dresser.

“I’m aware what time it is.” I snapped, even though I actually had no idea. “And I don’t really care. Nobody asked you to come in here.”

“Wow you’re grumpy. Want a cigarette?”

“You know I don’t smoke!” I glared at him. He just shrugged.

“Doesn’t mean I can’t offer. You could use one anyway. You’ve got some major mood swings. Do you think maybe you’re bipolar?” I ignored his question and watched him place a cigarette in his mouth. He began to twirl a lighter he had in the palm of his hand. Even though he hadn’t lit it yet, I became furious at him.

“Don’t smoke in here! Get outside with that crap. Have you completely lost your mind?” I swore under my breath, and snatched the cigarette from his mouth. I ignored his objection and tossed it out the window.

“That was unnecessary. See what I mean about the mood swings?” I glared up at him, and he grinned.

“You didn’t need it anyway.” I told him. He sighed, and looked away. Jesse is my half brother. We shared the same dad. But seeing as how our dad was in jail I couldn’t figure out why he hung around. I wish he would just leave already.

“Get out of my room.” I began to push, and then shoved him out the door. He turned around, about to complain, but I slammed the door in his face. Having the distraction out of my room, I suddenly was reminded of my recent nightmare. I shivered, and crawled back into bed. Of course, the light stayed on. It’s safe to say I didn’t sleep the rest of the night.

By morning I was exhausted. Not only did I hardly sleep, but the few hours I did manage to get were restless thanks to my unrelenting nightmare. Jesse and I now lived on my grandmother’s ranch. The judge ordered me here, and Jesse decided he’d tag along. To my disappointment my grandmother didn’t object. She had it in her mind he needed to be taken care of. The dude was nineteen for crying out loud. On top of that she had us up at the butt crack of dawn. We had a list of morning chores to complete before we went to school.

I pulled on my skinny jeans and a blank tank top with a red rose. As I was heading downstairs I pulled on my jacket.

“Good morning Bailey.” My grandma greeted. What’s good about it? “Breakfast is done. Go ahead and serve yourself.”

“Thanks grandma, but I think I’ll skip out on breakfast.” I squeezed past her and headed for the door.

“Bailey I swear you’re going to waste away to nothing one of these days. You hardly eat a thing.” she scolded. I rolled my eyes. I heard Jesse trying to hold back a chuckle. Sounding like he was choking on his food. But I shouldn’t get my hopes up thinking things like that. Wishful thinking can depress me. Actually is does depress me.

“I’ll grab an apple at school.” I promised with a fake reassuring smile. At least I was good at faking happiness these days. That or my grandma just didn’t want to see the truth. Either way she bought it, so I don’t really care which it is.

“You’d better. Now go do your chores since you’ve decided on skipping yet another meal.” I sighed, and pulled my hood up over my head. Three days grace blared in my ears as I headed for the barn.

I was on horse duty. I didn’t really mind it that much. Over the summer I had grown close to Outlaw. Outlaw is pretty much an asshole horse. He wouldn’t let anyone ride him, touch him, and he wouldn’t eat anything from anyone’s hand. Until I came along that is. For some reason he likes me, and for that same reason my grandma decided not to sell him. He followed me around as I mucked his stall. I guess you have some pretty bad issue in your brain when your best friend is an antisocial horse.

On another depressing note, I was worried about today. Jesse and I have recently transferred to a new school. Another new place where I could, once again, be named a freak. Not that I really cared, but it does tend to get old. It’s always the same. Same drama, same snobs, just new people, and really it’s more like new faces. The people are pretty much the same.

The difference this time is I won’t have my truck. I was pretty pissed about that. My grandma insists we at least try to care about nature. So, Jesse and I are stuck riding the big yellow bus. How fun. I tried to persuade my grandma to let me drive halfway and walk the other half, but she wouldn’t go for it.

“Why do you even go to school?” I asked Jesse while we waited for the bus. “Didn’t you already graduate?”

“Yeah I did, but I’m not staying on this farm all day. I’ll probably raid the town or something.”

“Whatever,” He smirked at me, and pulled out a cigarette. I side stepped away from him. I wasn’t about to let my lungs suffer because he was an idiot. Second hand smoke is supposedly worse for you anyway.

“Relax, I’m not going to light it.”

“Good. You would think by now you would learn to keep that away from me. You’re going to end up like my mom.” I muttered. Anger flashed in his eyes, but only for a second.

“I don’t do drugs Bailey. So I’ve had a drink before. One drink, sue me.

“Watch what you say. Maybe one day I’ll find a reason to sue you.” I said. He just laughed at me. I’m glad I amuse him.

“Here comes the bus. Be good at school Bailey.” he teased. He flicked his unsmoked cigarette in the grass, and stepped in the bus. I followed quickly, and slid into an empty seat in front of him.

“You don’t want to sit with me?” Jesse whispered, pretending to sound hurt.

“No I actually don’t want to sit with you, but thanks for the offer.” I ignored him when he said something else. I just watched the clouds drift lazily in the sky. I looked like it might rain later; which would excuse me of my afternoon mucking chores.

“Mind if I sit with you?”

“What?” I looked up to see a girl looking at me.

“I could sit somewhere else . . .” She mumbled looking down the row of seats.

“No, you can sit here. I just hadn’t heard what you’d said.”

“Oh. Okay,” she smiled awkwardly. Wow I must have sounded so stupid. I pulled out my headphones so I could hear her. If she decided I wasn’t freak and actually even talked to me again. Evidently she didn’t mind my stupidity. She twisted around in her seat to face me.

“Are you new?”

“Yup just moved into my grandma’s ranch.”

“I bet you’ll like it here. I’m Karli.”

“Bailey,” I said. It was weird having someone actually being nice to me, it never really happens. I wanted to figure out if it was an act, but she never got the chance to say more because the bus pulled up to the school. The air was cool and refreshing as I stepped out of the cramped bus.

“Have fun,” Jesse laughed, and headed in the opposite direction of the school.

“Where’s he going?” Karli asked. I hadn’t realized she’d stuck around.

“Couldn’t tell ya,”

“You know him though? I think he’s kind of cute.”

“Yea I know him, He’s my half brother.” I answered, cringing mentally at the thought of anyone thinking Jesse was cute.

“Oh, hmmm . . .” she looked down at her feet, kicking little pebbles around like something was bothering her.

“What?”

“He’s gonna be late for class on his first day.” she muttered.

I wanted to laugh out loud for that one. “He doesn’t go to school anymore. Jesse is nineteen so he already graduated high school.” I explained.

“Way out of my league.” she pressed her lips in a hard line. Thank God for that! I think really though she was out of his league. She deserved someone who wouldn’t play with her heart. Jesse most definitely would not care much about her. He doesn’t care much about anything these days. I guess I’ve become that way too. Since mom had to go, and dad taken to jail. I just shrugged.

“C’mon,” She pulled on my arm as she started to walk. “I’ll introduce you to some of my friends.”

“Alright,” I stuttered. I didn’t really do well with a lot of people. She did say some friends so maybe it was just one or two. I wanted to kick myself for saying yes so easily. I should have lied about having something to do in the office. Especially with all the stares I’m already beginning to get. How can everyone know I’m a new student? Isn’t high school full of new students all the time?
We weaved our way through the crowded hallways to the cafeteria. She started to lead us toward a particular table that was almost full of kids. This was only some of her friends? How many friends did one person need? This really didn’t seem like a good idea anymore. I wished I could find a way to escape.

“Hey Karli,” A guy greeted her. “Who’s your new friend?” He asked looking me up and down. I tried really hard to pretend I didn’t notice him do that.

“Guys this is Bailey. She just moved her with her grandma at that little ranch down near the creek.”

I stared at her blankly. I don’t think I ever remember telling her that.

“I know your grandma,” She stated seeing my confused look. “Plus where the bus picked you up silly,” She laughed and then continued. “Bailey this is Jack, Samantha, Mariah, Tristan, Jamie and Dominic. They’re my best buds.”

“Hey,” I almost whispered to them. This was awkward; I had no idea what to say to any of these people. They were obviously the ‘popular’ crowd. I didn’t really belong here, and I didn’t want to make myself look stupid; which eventually I would. Despite my efforts not to make eye contact with any of them, one of the boys claimed my gaze. I stared into his icy blue eyes, while he looked into my boring hazel. I think his name was Tristan, but I wasn’t sure. As soon as I could I ripped my gaze from his and didn’t look in his direction again.

At some point my schedule started to get passed around the table. I had at least one of them in every class. Aside from Karli I was extremely bummed about that. She was the only one who didn’t make me nervous. She was really easy to be around. As an added benefit she did most of the talking so I just had to listen. Karli got all her friends to agree to help me, which I didn’t want. Someone was going to meet me after every class so I wouldn’t get lost. It was a nice gesture, but it really bugged me. Did I wear ‘help me’ stamped on my forehead or something?

I thought it was so ridiculous, but Karli wouldn’t budge on the subject. I started to feel like they were just feeling sorry for me. Like the kids at my last school. The one person I thought was my friend turned out to only feel bad about my situation. She doesn’t talk to me now that I moved away from the area. I wanted to ask, but I didn’t want to offend anyone right away.

“Why are you wearing a hood?” Tristan asked, trying to get my attention back onto the group.

“Does it matter?” I defended. He only shrugged, and went back to talking to the girl I thoughts name was Samantha. When the bell rang for first period Jack was the first to walk me like a dog to class. We had science first, and I was grateful he didn’t ask me any questions. He was nice enough to sit next to me so I wasn’t alone, and he even offered to be my lab partner. I was thankful for that gesture considering half the class was asking if they could partner up with him. Nobody else would have given me a second look. Who wants to partner up with the awkward new girl?

Mariah met me next. Jack gave her a hug, and threw a wave goodbye at me. English was nice. They were in the middle of watching Romeo and Juliet. The dark was comforting, and nobody asked why I was in the class. Sam was next to meet me and Mariah walked with us most of the way. The two of them were chatting away while I walked quietly behind pretending to look interested in my schedule.

After a long first half of the day lunch was next. I was surprised to see Tristan waiting for me. I figured for lunch I would be meeting Karli after class. I was disappointed she wasn’t anywhere in sight. When I was free from the teachers view I threw up my hood. I wasn’t walking next to Tristan; he was in front of me leading the way.

“Are you going to tell me why you wear your hood up so much?” He slowed his pace to match up with mine.

“No,” I continued to look straight ahead, and not at him.

“You don’t like me very much do you?” I glanced at him for a short second, and looked away.

“I do, I just . . .”I trailed off. I never really told anyone anything. I wasn’t about to start with some nosey boy.

“Just what?” he asked.

“I’m not good at having friends. I’m socially awkward.” I told him, not really wanting to say any of this out loud. It just kind of slipped. He chuckled softly.

“Why do you think that?” I just shrugged not wanting to give him anymore answers. He didn’t deserve my trust anyway.

“I won’t tell anyone.” he promised.

“It doesn’t matter if you will or you won’t. I’m not telling anyone either.” I began to pick up the pace. I wanted to get to everyone else as quick as I could. I kind of remembered where the cafeteria was. I didn’t want to say anymore to him. He grabbed my arm, pulling me to a stop.

“Why?” he asked again.

“It doesn’t matter okay?” I snapped.

“What do you have to hide from everyone?”

“Nothing just leave me alone already!” I twisted out of his grip on my arm, and headed outside. Who’s gonna care if the loner new girl misses the rest of the day. They’ll probably just blame my parents for everything wrong with me. I headed off campus toward the little town. Maybe I could find Jesse. As much as he drove me insane he did help me forget about my problems with his annoying chattering. I wandered around aimlessly poking in and out of different stores that looked interesting from the outside. After a few hours I plopped down on a bench. My stomaching growling at me for not eating lunch before stomping off like a child not getting her way.

“Skip lunch?”

“Jesse,” I said turning around to see him grinning at me.

“What are you doing?” He asked nonchalantly sitting down at my side.

“Nothing,”

“Skipping school?”


I nodded placing my chin on my knees. He had no idea how much I hated school right now. I think this is the worse I have felt at any school.

“What happened?”

“Nothing, just drop it.”

“Fine,” he said throwing his hands up in surrender. I just sighed. Jesse asked a lot of questions, but at least when I asked him to stop he usually would.

“You can talk to me you know.” He stated suddenly.

“No I can’t Jess. Since when did you decide to be a caring big brother anyway?”

“I’ve always been Bailey. You just don’t pay attention to how the people around you are acting. You don’t notice me trying to be there for you.” he said quietly.

“No, Jesse, you haven’t. How does drinking and smoking prove you care? I’m not going to let myself get close to someone who is just going to end up like my mom. Or our dad even.”

“Bailey when have you ever seen me actually smoke a cigarette?” He asked annoyed. I opened my mouth to answer, but snapped it shut when I realized I’d actually never seen him smoke one. He just puts unused ones in his mouth all the time.

“Exactly,” he continued. “I only carry them around and offered so I could keep an eye on your habits. I didn’t want you to end up like your mom. If you ever said yes I probably would have smacked you.” he joked. I didn’t reply to him. Maybe it was possible Jesse did care. After a while of silence he began to speak again.

“You’ve been screaming in your sleep a lot lately. I wanted to ask you about it, but figured you probably wouldn’t tell me.

“I scream out loud?” I gasped. Here I thought I had been doing well at keeping myself quiet.

“Yeah you have. The first time scared the hell out of your grandma. I told her you use to do it a lot. Which was a lie; this is a new thing. I’ve been really worried about you.”

“Well don’t,” I pushed his hand away. “I’m fine. Everyone gets nightmares Jesse.”

“Whatever you say bailey. C’mon I’ll catch us a ride home so we don’t have to take that nasty bus.”

Jesse did find us a ride, though I don’t really understand how he found someone he could mooch off of in this small town. This guy seemed almost too happy to take us home. When we got to the ranch Jesse went straight inside, but I wasn’t ready to put on my fake happy smile just yet. Instead I lingered near the barn out where Outlaw and the other horses were kept till nightfall.

I ended up throwing a saddle on Outlaw and rode him down to an old creek Jesse and I had found back when we were younger. My mom had brought us here so Jesse could meet my grandma a few summers back. We were both much younger and much happier. I haven’t seen Jesse actually smile in a long time; neither of us has. Seemed like all that had been a dream. Now I’m stuck in this stupid nightmare of a life.

I heard Jesse calling me from a distance away. I didn’t particularly want him to find me at this place. So I jumped up and met him halfway down a hill. He was riding one of the other horses my grandma owned, but I didn’t really pay much attention to the other horses. Outlaw got all my affection.

“Where have you been?” He asked.

“Just exercising Outlaw since nobody else can do it. What do you want?”

“You’ve got a friend back at the house.” he sighed.

“Friend?”

“Ya, but I promised I wouldn’t tell you who it was. Guess whoever it is, is afraid you won’t want to see them if I told you.”

“Okay . . .” I said looking down towards the ranch. It was useless since I couldn’t actually see it. I had ridden off too far.

“I’ll help you get the horses put away.”

I nodded and followed him back to the house. It didn’t take us long to get back, and I was disappointed to find it was Tristan who was waiting for me. Jesse was right, if I had known it was him I probably wouldn’t have bothered to come back down. Then again I guess I can’t avoid him forever, and boys seem to be more persistent when you don’t want them around.

“Hey,” he mumbled looking at Outlaw.

“Hi,”

“Ummm . . . I just wanted to come and apologize. I was a little rude today.”

“You were rude.” I agreed, “But I forgive you.”

“Will you still not tell me?” he persisted.

“Look I need to put the horses away before it gets to dark. Just wait here.” I didn’t have any intentions of telling this dumb boy anything. I never gave into anyone, and I don’t think I ever will.

Tristan ended up offering Jesse and I his help. Turns out he has a ranch of his own so he knew how to deal with horses. He even helped me muck the stalls. All that time neither one of us said a word. I watched him work a few times. He was built well, and the kids in this town didn’t wear goofy cowboy boots and clothing like I’d expected. All in all he was a good looking guy.

“So,” He said breaking the silence. “Why do you think you aren’t good at having friends?”

“Because so far I haven’t made many friends, and the ones I did have were just fakes that felt sorry for my shitty life. I’m just a freak to most people, and frankly I’m beginning not to care anymore.” I explained.

“I don’t think you’re a freak.” he smiled easily at me.

“Don’t say what you don’t mean.” I grumbled. I won’t let myself be fooled. One boy can’t change who I am, who I’ve been.

“I’m not,” he frowned.

“Let me rephrase. Don’t do anything for me or say anything to me if it’s just out of pity. I’m tired of everyone feeling sorry for me.”

He pursed his lips. “Bailey I want to be your friend.”

I didn’t respond to him. Instead I sat on my floor and pulled my knees back up to my face. I didn’t even know how to begin to talk to him about anything. I’ve never been honest to anyone. I only told them what I knew would be enough to get them off my back. For some reason Tristan always wanted to know more. He pushed for information he didn’t deserve to know. He wanted more from me than anyone else I’ve ever known.

Plus I’m still undecided on the subject of friends. They were such a pain to have. It’s like having a puppy. Sure they’re fun and all, but they take so much effort to keep happy. They need more attention then I’m willing to give right now. I just don’t think I have it in me to be a good friend to anyone. I’d really only been around Jesse most of my life, and lately I’ve been a b**** to him. To keep him at a distance so he couldn’t hurt me the way my parents did. I couldn’t stand having anyone close to me anymore. The closer you keep people the easier it is for them to hurt you.

“Why are you so afraid of people?” Tristan asked casually. As if he didn’t actually care to know the answer.

I rested my chin on my knees before I answered him. “I’m not afraid of people.”

“Seems like it.” he argued.

“Well I’m not.”

“What are you afraid of then?” He seemed determined to force the answer out of me.

“I’m afraid of the fact that a person can leave you. No one knows how much that hurts better than me.” I clarified, “That’s why usually I don’t mind not having friends. You can’t hurt if you don’t have them.”

“That makes sense to a certain extent.” He agreed. “But I still think you’re wrong.”

“Am I?” I asked coldly.

“Partly,” He nodded. “It’s true that sometimes the people you keep close hurt you, but it’s also true that people close to you can help you deal with that hurt. True friends won’t hurt you, but will be there for you. You’re hurting by not having them because you’re wishing you did. You feel abandoned and alone, and you don’t have to feel that way. You shouldn’t feel that way.”

“You know nothing about how I feel.” I mumbled. I was trying really hard not to be mad at him. He was only trying to help no matter how aggravating it was.

“Maybe I don’t, but you ever think you’re not alone? Maybe someone does understand, maybe someone else has been through it.”

“If you’re talking about my brother, you’re wrong.” I whispered.

“I wasn’t. Though I’m sure he knows better than anyone else.” He paused for a second and sighed. “You’re a very distant person. I can tell by the way you carry yourself. Your hood can’t protect you from the outside world, and you shouldn’t isolate yourself.”

“I know you think you’re Doctor Phil or something, but you have no idea what you’re talking about. You should probably leave now it’s getting late.” I watched the floor as I spoke to him. I realize he’s trying to help, but it’s becoming hard for me not to be angry with him. It’s annoying to have someone telling you how you should and shouldn’t feel.

He stood up and left without saying another word. I hoped this time I got through to him. I wasn’t a person who should have any friends. I wasn’t ready to let anyone in.