My name is Samantha, but everyone calls me Sam. I’m from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and on November 17th, 1984, I was murdered. It was a Wednesday, the day I died. Right in the middle of November. And I can still hear my mothers voice, always scolding my siblings and I about something. My mom always did have a way with words. She ruled the roost and no one dared go against her orders, otherwise you were in store haha. I get it now why she was so strict with us. She only wanted us to stick together and to keep us all from harm. I wish I had listened to her.

I came down my stairs and went into the living room for breakfast. Most families traditionally eat their meals in the kitchen or dining room. We Sawyers always ate in the living room. It was so much more comfortable, plus my dad hated to eat without the TV on. Every morning, we’d put on the news, or my dad did at least. We would discuss the usual; What our plans were for the day, how we slept, etc. On the day on died, I happened to have plans to go downtown with my friend Carol.

Carol Soaring. We had been the best of friends since 3rd grade. I was the new kid in town, so on the first day
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of school I had no where to sit at lunch. Carol saw me wandering aimlessly around the cafeteria, so she came up to me and invited me to sit with her. She talked on and on about the new nail polish she just bought, how much she loved Michelle Pfeiffer and other girly things like that. I was more of a Star Wars, Star Trek kind of girl and I tended to like boys clothes over girls clothes back then. Either way, none of it mattered much. I was just happy to find a friend. From that day forward, Carol and I grew grew inseparable and developed a one of a kind friendship.

When Carol and I got to downtown Milwaukee, we ended up running into her boyfriend Matt Sheffield and his brother Derek. Matt was pretty chill and also very attractive. He was the heart-ache of our high school haha. His deep ocean blue eyes were killer. Matt and Carol had been dating for nearly two years now and all of us had sort of become pals, even Derek. While Matt was more of an outgoing and hyper individual, Derek was almost the complete opposite. He was rather shy and mysterious. He always wore the same leather jacket and slicked back his long black hair. His light green eyes were amazing, it was hard to take your eyes off them. Needless to say, most people in school thought he was a freak. But not me. I’ll be honest, I had started to fall for him. Me and my nice-girl meets 80’s
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classic rock kind of personality seemed to click with Derek's strange and mysterious image. A few days before my death, he actually confessed he had feelings for me. We agreed to go out to a REO Speed wagon concert coming up in a week and that we would make it a date. I had been so excited for that day. REO Speed wagon just happened to have been my favorite band along with a few others. “Keep on loving you” must have been the most played track on my “Hi Infidelity” vinyl. That and pretty much every track on my “ Songs from the Big Chair” vinyl. God how I loved Tears for Fears.

Before I died, I believed that when one did pass away, you went right to heaven. That there was no more sadness or pain or anything really. Yet, here I am, not in heaven yet, feeling lonely and sad. All I can think about is my family. I wonder how they are holding up. All my friends too, especially Carol. And Derek... Oh god I don’t even want to think about Derek, it hurts too much. But from time to time, I find myself thinking about one specific individual. One whom I don’t want to think about, yet can’t get him out of my mind. Some call him “son”, “brother”, “bestfriend”, even “lover. But not me. The only thing he is to me is the devil himself. And a murderer. My murderer.

Yes, I was murdered. Shocking right? It’s not everyday a 17 years old is murdered in Milwaukee. Especially if this girl is not involved in prostitution, drugs, and other criminal activities. I was involved in none of those things, yet I was put 6ft under. I pondered over that fact for a bit, until I realized it’s not going to do me any good feeling sorry for myself, I did nothing wrong. I was simply a victim, like millions of others who perish from Earth untimely each year, and I can’t do anything about it. Not now, and not ever.

After Carol and I met up with Matt and Derek, we all agreed upon attending a movie downtown. Carol wanted to see some stupid chick-flick. I never understood why she liked those so much. I wanted to see Rambo Part II, I was alone on that choice except for Derek. So we all agreed on seeing a re-run off Star Wars Episode IV, a New Hope. It was okay I guess. I mean, the movie was great, but the guy sitting in front of us decided to chew his popcorn like a cow. That pretty much ruined the experience, although it was rather funny. It was 10 P.M when we left the theatre. I knew my mom was going to kill me, but at that moment in time I didn’t have a care in the world. I was with my best friends and I was happy. We ended up encountering a slight problem. Matt told us his car had been towed, I guess he parked in a fire lane, boy was he mad. We all had spent all our money on the movie and popcorn, so we had no money for a cab. Matt and Derek's house wasn’t too far, so we all decided to walk in that direction and see them off. From there, Carol and I would walk to our own houses. It wasn’t too far of a walk, about a mile and a half, give or take a few.

It was an interesting walk home. Matt was just... being
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Matt. He was argueing with Carol about something as usual, but they seemed to be okay by the time we reached the house. But Derek and I had a great time. We were just talking, telling each other about ourselves and getting to know each other better. He made me laugh so much, I didn’t know he was a funny guy. Usually Matt assumed that role. It just made him even more interesting.

Both of the guys invited Carol and I inside but neither one of us really wanted too. Both of us were exhausted and needed some sleep, so we said goodnight. I’ll never forget that last goodbye with Derek. If I had known it would be the last time I ever saw him, I would have ended things differently than I did. I would have told him how much he meant to me, how special and important he was, and I’d always be there, no matter what. But instead I ended it with a goodnight, a kiss and a high-five, and walked away to my doom.

“Sam, I’m dying here. It is so cold, I can’t feel any of my damn toes!” said Carol.

“Quit your whining haha, you’ll be home soon enough. Then you can lay in front of your furnace as always!.”

Carol was lucky. In her bedroom she had her own furnace, a nice little present from her parents when they forgot her birthday last year. It amazes me how far people will go over guilt.

One thing about that night that comforts me was the talk Carol and I shared on our way home. We hadn’t had a lot of time to just talk, so since we had a long way to go before we reached our sanctuaries, we took advantage of the relatively quietness of the night and just walked. She confided in me that things had not been too great with Matt as of late. He was growing increasingly agitated with her and with everyone, and she said she could have sworn him buying drugs in an alley next to his house and was afraid that he had started using. I assured her that it was not him, and that Matt was most likely going through some stuff at home. How mistaken I was haha.
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I admitted to Carol that I was jealous of her. I had always held it in, because I like myself image and I was confident! I really was. But Carol was just... Beautiful. But in a unique way. She always walked shoulders down. chest out, head held high. She never had a strand of hair out of place, and was glowing with beauty. I told her if I could change my entire appearance, I would want to look like her. I’d want her confidence, style, posture, her long dark hair, her mind, everything.

“ Shut up haha. I’m not anyones image of perfection here. In fact, I’m far from it.” she said. That was another great thing about Carol. She was very modest.

We soon reached her house and it was time to say goodnight. It comforts me to know she knew how much she meant to me and how I saw her. As I turned away to leave, I got a strange feeling. I felt as if a pair of eyes were digging into my very bones. I was being watched. But I pushed the feeling aside and began to walk home. But little did I know, I wouldn’t be going to the home I always knew. I’d be going to a new home, which is a place that still remains unknown.

I began my arrival upon Cores St. That was a sign that I was half way home, thank the lord. Usually when I arrived on that street, I was out of the “danger zone”, you know, away from all the drugs, gangs, hookers, and god knows what else. But not that night. Danger wasn’t just stalking me, it was on my door step.

I soon heard the sound of foot steps coming up from behind me. It startled me, for it was late and this person was running kind of fast from the sound of it. I couldn’t turn around to see who it was. But even if I had, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. I still would have been dead either way.

The foot steps began to grow closer and closer, until the person was right on my tail. I kept walking, pretending not to even notice. I felt a firm grasp on my shoulder, and felt the individual jerk me backwards. I screamed fairly loud.

“Sam! Stop screaming for god sakes, it’s me!”

“Matt?” I said. Out of all the people I thought could be running up behind me, Matt was well towards the bottom.













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“Yeah, sorry I scared you. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you like that. Are you mad?” he asked me.

“No I’m not mad, just a little suprised...What are you doing here?”

“Well when I got into my house, I realized I didn’t have my wallet. Do you have it? or have you seen it?”

“No I haven’t, sorry. Maybe you left it in the theatre or something.” I replied.

“Yeah, maybe. Hopefully not, I need some money haha.” he said. At this time, he stepped into the light coming from the street lamps. I looked at his face and I noticed there was something off about him. His eyes were glazed over and blood shot, and he was twitching like crazy. He was high.

“Hey uh Matt, are you feeling alright? You don’t look so well...” I asked him.

“Haha I feel better than alright! I feel frickin’ amazing! Haha I’m trippin’ a little bit on some uh, Tina, ya know. No big deal!”
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“Oh...haha.” I replied. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know he was involved with drugs. Carol was right. I decided I better get going, fast.

“Well I better head on out, my mom’s gonna kill me for being this late.” I said. I waited for a reply, but he just stood there with a dumbfounded look upon his face. I felt very uncomfortable. But as I turned to leave, I heard something fall. I turned back to see what it was, and it was a wallet. In fact, it was the exact same wallet Matt claimed to have lost... I waited for him to say something, but he just kept stareing at me.

“I thought you said you lost your wallet?”
I got no response from him. I began to get a panicky feeling in my chest.

“Well I’m going to go now, see ya...” I said to him. I quickly began to turn away, but he spoke.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” he said to me.

“Do what?” I replied, rather confused.

“Walk away from me.”

“Why do you say that?”
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He didn’t respond. He just began to start walking towards me, so I started to slowly back up.

“You know Sam, you do look so... lovely this evening.” said Matt.

“Thank you...” I replied. I was getting very nervous.
“Oh don’t thank me yet. We haven’t even gotten started.”

“Started what?” I said.

“You’ll see sweetheart. You’ll see soon enough.” He kept walking closer to me. Soon, he stepped back into the light from the street lamps. This time, I saw something shiny in his hand. The more I concentrated on it, I realized he was holding a knife. A switch blade I believed it was. I couldn’t stop stareing at it. In a matter of three seconds I went from being a little creeped out, to being frozen. I don’t think I had ever been that scared. Once I managed to un glue my eyes from the blade, I looked up at his face. The smile he had on his face still haunts me. He shrugged his shoulders as if to say “sorry not sorry hon.” The feeling I felt then was indescribable. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. He kept walking towards me until we were stareing each other eye to eye, face to face,
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inches apart. He brought the blade up from his side and brought it right next to my face. He used it to push my hair out of my face, and tuck it behind my ear, I was so afraid and petrified from fear, that I held my breath to keep myself from screaming. He leaned in, as if he was going to kiss me. He brushed his face up against mine and whispered into my ear.

“Run.” He said. So I did.

I began to run as fast I could away from him. I remember thinking thank god I wore sneakers instead of my pumps. If only it had paid off.

It didn’t take long for me to realize he was chasing after me. This was a game. It was his game, and we were the game pieces racing towards the finish line.

I soon found myself on the doorstep of the Old Coolidge Manor. A couple centuries ago, this place was the queen of the city, or so I was told. It was huge, almost castle-like. I say almost for now it was probably the most dumpy looking building I had ever seen. It’s walls were crumbling, there were no more windows, and vines and trees had grown throughout the entire thing. The swamps that were in the back gave the manor a more spooky look, and many believed it to be haunted. Why I decided to run there? I can’t say. Even if I hadn’t, I still would be dead. It was my fate, unfortunately.

I ran through the door and immediately almost tripped over a wooden beam that had collapsed. I didn’t know what to do next, so I decided that hiding was my best bet. Unfortunately, I was the worlds worst hide-and-go-seek player, so I hid behind an old piano that was in the corner of what I assumed to be the living room. I knew Matt had seen me come in here, and it was only a matter of time before he found me. I began to pray. I never really was much into the whole idea of God and Jesus and the whole church thing, but seeing as how I was being chased by a lunatic with a knife, I determined it was an appropriate time. I kept repeating the Hail Mary over and over again in my head. Even when I heard Matt step into the house, I kept praying. When he walked into the living room and threw aside the piano with all his might, I kept praying. When he pinned me down onto the ground and stripped me of my clothes, I kept praying. I kept praying until I felt the cold metal blade touch my skin, and then I fell. Out of memory, and out of time.

When I came too, I had no idea what was going on. I didn’t know where I was or what had happened. I opened my eyes and to my surprise I began to see something blue. It was the sky, probably the most beautifully clear sky I had ever seen. I stared up at it for awhile. It was a shade of blue I had never seen before. So beautiful, unique, yet exquisite it was. I then let my hands feel around at my sides to feel the texture of the ground. I was surprised to feel sand. I immediately sat up to see where I was. The first thing that caught my attention was the ocean, only it wasn’t a normal, blue ocean. This ocean was so clear, it was almost like drinking water. It even seemed to sparkle in the sunlight. All of a sudden I heard a laugh. I looked around until my eyes landed upon what appeared to be a young girl, wadding her feet into the water. I got up and began to walk toward her. As I got closer, I began to notice her appearance. She looked about 8 or 9 years old, and had long blonde hair that hung to her hips. She was stunningly beautiful, and yet she looked awfully familiar. She soon saw me looking.

“It’s lovely here isn’t it.” she said.
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“Quite lovely indeed.” I replied. She smiled at me and continued to gaze out into the ocean.

“Excuse me, but can you tell me where I am. I’m confused, I have no memory of coming here. I don’t even know you.” I asked her.

“Well I know you. But I would expect you not to remember me to well. I’ll help you out a bit. My name is Jenny Hartfield. Remember me now?”

Jenny Hartfield… 2 summers ago, a young girl went missing after she got let out at her bus stop after school. She was never seen again. All they found of hers was a butterfly hair clip and a bloody ring. Everyone assumed she was killed. I remember my mother kept all of my siblings and I real close after that.

“Yes, I know who you are. I remember you from the papers. But I’m confused. Everyone said you were dead. They found your things, they found your blood. Where are we?” I asked her. Deep down, I already knew the answer to my own question. Jenny sensed that.

“I think you know the answer to that, Sam. I am dead. I’ve been dead for almost 2 years. You see me now,
because your dead too. Just like me.”

Dead? What? I thought to myself. I felt myself begin to laugh. Not because it was funny, but because it was so preposterous I didn’t have anything left to do but laugh. The only word I was able to get out of my mouth to Jenny was “what?”

“ Your dead Sam. We both are. Do you not remember?”

“No I don’t and I’m not dead. I can’t be. This isn’t real, this is just…”

“I had the same reaction as you when I found out the truth. You don’t want to believe it. I know, it doesn’t seem real. I’m sorry, but it is. Your dead. Gone. You left. Now think back to last night. Where were you, what happened?” she asked me.
I let my mind wander off, trying to bring back the last memories I had. Eventually, it came to me.

“Matt…” I said.

“Yes. Your right. Do you remember what happened?” asked Jenny.

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“Not really, do I want too?”

“Most-likely not. But you need too. We haven’t got much time.”

“Much time to do what?”

“Don’t worry yourself over it yet, love.” she replied. “We have to take this one step at a time. Now come over next to me and take my hand.”

“Why?” I asked her.
“Because were taking on your first challenge head on. Now take my hand, we have to hurry.”

And with that, I felt myself falling backwards; going faster than light, heading to an unknown place.

Suddenly I felt my feet hit the earth again. I opened my eyes and I found myself looking upon a familiar sight. I was back at the Old Coolidge Manor, which I was guessing is where I had died, if indeed I had. I heard someone scream from within the building. I started to walk in but Jenny grabbed my hand.

“Not yet Sam. There are certain things that you do not want to see. I will tell you when we will enter.”

So we waited. Roughly 10 minutes later, I saw a figure run out of the house so fast it took my by suprise. It was a bit difficult to see in the dark. He ran to the side of the building to a car that was waiting there. He flipped on the lights and I could see his face. It was Matt. His clothes were stained with blood, lots of it. He was shaking and remerging around in there looking for something. He soon found it, it was a big blue tarp. He picked it up and quickly carried it into the house.

“It’s time.” said Jenny. “Follow me.”

I followed her into the house and she lead me to the living room. There, I looked down on the ground to see
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someone lying there. She was naked, from head to toe. Blood was pooling from wounds throughout her body. It was me, and I was dead. I ran out of the room and back outside so I could vomit and cry for awhile. Jenny came over and held me until I pulled myself together again. The last thing I saw before Jenny and I left, was Matt wrapping me in that blue tarp and dragging me down into the basement of the Old Coolidge Manor. I didn’t see it, but I guess he stuffed me in an old trunk that was down there, locked it, and threw the key into the swamp. I was dead. I murdered by my best friends boyfriend. And now, I had to say goodbye to everyone and everything forever.

The next thing I knew I was back in my own little happy place, the beautiful beach with the pretty sky. I looked down and I was still holding Jenny’s hand. I didn’t know what to say or what to feel. I was murdered and raped by someone I had known for almost my whole life. A flood of emotions and thoughts came to my head. I was never going to see my parents again, or any of my siblings. Can you imagine being away from your family, for eternity? It was unreal. Just to unreal. Carol, my best friend that I’ve had since I was 9 years old, was without me for the rest of her life. How was she taking my death? Especially the fact that it was her boyfriend that did it. And Derek, the boy I had so helplessly fallen for will now never know how I truly felt about him. I feel broken. Broken as can be and I’m dead. How is it fair? It isn’t at all, and it never will be. I just have to move on… somehow.

I must’ve fallen asleep because I soon awoke to Jenny’s voice.

“How are you feeling Sam?” she asked.

“Never better.” I replied to her. I sat up to see where I was now. It was again, oddly familiar. The room was small and the walls were made of brick. The flooring was made of wood, beautiful hardwood floors just like the ones my Uncle Rich put down in his cottage. They were so alike, they almost looked identical. Too identical. The more I looked around, the more familiar everything began to look. Eventually something caught my eye. Something strange and out of place. It was a framed photograph of a small family. It was placed up high on the mantle above a fireplace, so I got up to have a look. I reached the foot of the fireplace and took down the photograph to have a closer look. There were 8 people in the picture, and all of them were sitting on a sand dune on a beach. All of a sudden, I recognized that dune. Then I noticed a small cabin off in the distance of the picture. It was our family cabin, built by my Uncle Rich and my father. The photograph was of my family’s favorite vacation spot, and the family in the photograph was mine.

“Where did you say we were again?” I asked Jenny.

“I didn’t.” she laughed. “I was waiting for you to ask me. I take it you realize where you are now?”

“This is my families cabin in Maine. Every year, my parents would take my siblings, my aunt and uncle, my cousin Ant and I up there for a couple weeks. It was our yearly vacation. But I don’t understand why I’m here. I’m dead aren’t I? Why am I not in heaven? Is there one?” I said shakingly. I felt like I was going to cry again.

“Calm down okay?” she replied. “I’m going to get you something to drink, and then we’ll talk things over. Soda pop? Tea? Coffee?”

“Tea please. Green tea with honey if you don’t mind.” I replied. I was glad to get something warm in my system, but I was feeling so anxious. I had so many questions that needed answering, I didn’t know how much longer I could wait.

She returned with my tea in about 5 minutes, and she sat down on the sofa. She beckoned for me to come sit, so I did.

“So, I apologize for not making matters clearer for you. Sometimes, it’s easier to just move with the flow, for me at least. Obviously, you are different. I’ll tell you anything you need to know.” said Jenny. “Firstly, where we are, is not the place you think it is.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. I did know where I was, or at least I thought I did.

“I know where you think we are. You think we are at your family’s cabin up north. We are here, but we aren’t, if that makes any sense.” she replied.

“No, not really.”

“Let me explain. When you died Sam, you did not go to heaven. But, you did not stay on earth either. Right now, you exist in a place known as purgatory. It lies in between both worlds. You are dead you see, you just haven’t reached the final destination yet. Heaven.”
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That was one of the harder things for me to hear. How am I suppose to feel? How are you suppose to react when you learn that you are dead. That you were murdered. That your life is gone and your never going to get it back. And now, I am not even in heaven? All I could think of was that I must’ve done something wrong. I must’ve sinned to much, made a horrible mistake, or who knows what. It seemed like an hour had past since Jenny last spoke, but it really had only been a couple minutes.

“I can tell by your reaction you were not expecting that for an answer.” she said.

“Not particularly, no.” I replied.

“Well let me explain it better. You see, you were murdered Sam. When a person is murdered, it’s an unexpected and unplanned death, which means you didn’t know it was going to happen. You didn’t have an opportunity to say goodbye to everyone you love, so that has left you with anger, hate, and resentment. In order to reach heaven, you need to be able to let go of earth. You need to let go of what happened, and of everyone you love. When you have done that, then we go on.”
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That cleared things up a bit for me. “But why am I here? Why am I at my family’s cabin?” I asked.

“You aren’t actually. It’s an illusion. It’s here because purgatory takes the shape of the location of your happiest memories, with a twist. Everything you see is really here, it just isn’t on earth. It’s not the real cabin and beach. It’s purgatory’s version of it.”

“So in order for me to reach heaven, I need to let go of everything. I need to move on and make peace so I can have a fresh mind and spirit, right?”

“Right.” Jenny replied.

“How do I do that?” I asked her.

“We go back down, one last time, and we say goodbye. But I must tell you, when you decide to do this, you can never go down again. It will free you from all unwanted emotions.”

“I want to do it. I want to move on. I want to be happy. I know that’s what my family would want. It’s what I must do.” I replied to her.

“Then you can go when you are ready.”
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“Aren’t you coming too?” I asked Jenny.

“Not this time Sam. My work here is done. But before you go, there is one last thing I want you to see.” said Jenny.

She touched my hand and brought me to the Old Coolidge Manor again. This time it was different. We were in the basement again, and we were standing in front of the trunk where Matt put my body. This time, someone else was putting something inside that trunk. Jenny nodded for me to walk closer. I walked to the edge of the trunk and looked inside. I nearly vomited right there. Inside was the body of a little girl. She was 8 or 9 years old with long blonde hair in a braid. It was Jenny, and she was dead. I looked at the man peering into the trunk. He whispered something to her corpse, and then left. The man was Matt. Jenny and I shared the same killer.

“Jenny…” I said. “I am so… so… sorry.”

“Don’t be.” she laughed. “This was my first time back. Now, I can move on. I can go to heaven. Sam, just remember. Saying goodbye, it’s not easy. Just remember, it’s not goodbye forever. In the end, we will all be together again. Without ever having to say
goodbye.”












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All I could do was smile at her. This brave young girl lost her life to a monster, the same one who took my life. Here she was, standing before me, comforting me and helping me, when it took so long to help herself.

“Thank you Jenny. Thank you.” I said to her with tears in eyes.

“I’ll see you up there.” she said. She smiled, and then she gone.

Now, it was my turn. I had no idea where to start. I decided to visit my parents house. I had no idea how much time had passed until I reached the house and noticed the calendar on the wall. It had been 9 months.
I peered through the window and saw my whole family eating together in the living room as usual. My siblings were all laughing together, teasing each other as always. My dad read the paper and kept yelling at the kids to quiet down. My mothers expression is what caught me. She was looking through a photo album, smiling with tears in her eyes. It was the photo album our family had made a couple years ago over the summer. I knew she was looking at me. Seeing her smiling about me brought such joy to my heart. Seeing all my family happy brought a feeling of peace to my mind. I knew they were going to be okay.

Next I headed to Carols house. She was in her room, listening to a Tavares record that I had loved. Derek was there with her, they were talking and seemed to be enjoying each other. That made me happy, I didn’t want them to feel alone. Over on Carols dresser, I noticed a photograph in a frame that was sitting there. It was a picture of me and her, laughing like crazy on top of the
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ferris wheel. The memories we had built together I knew kept her going. And same with Derek. Derek seemed a bit somber. I don’t know why. I don’t know if he knew the truth, if he was missing me, or what but he seemed down. I realized though, people grieve in different ways. Not everyone is the same, we will all handle loss in our own fashion. I knew he would be okay.

For a split second, I thought about visiting Matt. But then, a pushed the idea aside. I realized, I didn’t need to see him. I knew what had happened, and I except that. I didn’t need to say goodbye to him. I didn’t really care at all. With that, I decided to say one last final prayer while I was on earth. In those closing words I felt myself begin to drift away. I felt myself being pulled towards the sky. Towards light, beauty, and divinity. Any moment now, I will be there. Any moment I will reach my destination, and I will start knockin’ on heavens doors.