Okay, so you've got a lot of characters introduced in the prologue and first chapter alone, but you haven't told the reader enough about them to draw them in. You've got Ike, Mr. Shogi, Julian, and Shaun, but other than physical appearances nothing sets them apart yet. I realize that there is still plenty of room to develop the characters and flesh them out, but it might drag the story down if you have to take time away from the action to go back and characterize them. Oh, and a lot of your dialogue ends without punctuation, which is awkward to read. Other than those two things (one of which is easily fixable and the other will simply help the flow of the story as it continues) I was definitely interested in the concepts you were developing. I liked the introduction of Lucas, it was playful and humorous. You've done a good job of beginning to build a world for your characters to inhabit, and I want to see what you can do with it next.

Would you please read the first chapter of my novel So That Others May Live? Thank you

I truly appreciate your comment. I was starting to think no one would bother to comment on it and give me constructive criticism. So kudos! If there is anything you'd like me to review, feel free to ask.

I loved this. The story is detailed and very original. I forgot I was reading after awhile. I hope you post more soon.