I awoke in a small white room, my wings wrapped around myself like a blanket. I shakily stood up, my wings fluttering to the ground. I couldn’t feel them, and then I saw them on the floor. They were no longer connected to my back. The feathers were dark grey, but at the wingtips, they faded into an inky black.
“Celeste.” A booming voice says, and I jerk my eyes away from my fallen wings. An archangel stood before me, his glowing wings taking up the small doorway that had appeared when he came. “Follow me.”
I followed him, leaving my wings laying on the ground in the small room. I felt somehow heavier without them, but in a sense also lighter. I wished I could see my back, to see what it looked like without my wings. Inside the room that the archangel led me to, there were three other archangels, sitting at a table.
“Celeste, you have failed your Guarded.” The female archangel said, standing and facing me. I wished I could wrap my wings around myself and hide, but they happened to be lying on the floor in another room. “She is currently in a comatose state in the hospital. You will be given one final chance.”
“Really?” I squeaked, interrupting the archangel. She looked at me sharply, her green eyes flashing golden for just a moment.
“You must find a way to save your Guarded as a human. If you can save her, you will receive a new pair of wings. Fail, and you will remain a human forever.” The archangel says, stepping closer to me. “Celeste, I know that you won’t fail again.” She said, her hand lightly touching where my wings used to be.
“Of course not, Gabriella.” I said, staring at my bare feet. They were as white as snow, with a peach tint to them. Perfection, just as they always had been. Angels were always perfect, and the Guardians were white as snow. I had always hated my clear blue eyes, so clear that they were just ice- covered ponds in my eye sockets. A fragile blue, that’s what my eyes were. My hair was an almost platinum blonde, but it had darkened while my wings did.
“Good. You’ll be staying at the hotel, by Serena’s house. Good luck, Celeste.” Gabriella touched my forehead, and a bright shimmering light bloomed from the middle of my mind outward. It wasn’t painful, but made me feel like I was floating, even without my wings. Since Gabriella stroked my back, they no longer feel missing. I can’t even tell that I ever had wings.
I should be terrified, being sent into the human world without wings. I was going into the human world to meet Serena, the girl that I had already failed once, and could not fail again. Agramon might come after me, now that I was human. But I would not fear the king of fear himself. There was nothing to be afraid of. I pictured Gabriella as the light framed her face, and then covered her face completely. I smelled happiness, a chocolate and cinnamon scent. The light brightened until it was so bright that I couldn’t look at it anymore. I squeezed my eyes shut.
***
I opened my eyes to find myself lying on a bed, dust particles floating in the air above me. My back was resting on the mattress, and I shifted so I wouldn’t hurt my wings, until I remembered that they were gone.
“Celeste, you’re human. Get up.” I told myself, and sat up. I was in a pair of denim skinny jeans, much like the ones that I had seen Serena wear from my perch on my cloud. I also wore a thick green sweater, the color of spring meadows. It smelled of cleaner and dust. I was in a hotel room, its tan theme comforting to my aching eyes.
I brushed my hair out of my face, seeing that it was now a natural looking blonde, not as bright as it had been when I was in the clouds. I blinked, finding the mirror attached to the closet door. My clothes didn’t look wrinkled, and I saw that I was wearing a pair of short brown boots on my feet. My eyes were still frozen ponds in my face, as clear blue as before.
“Whoa.” I said, pulling my hair. It was now shoulder length, not close to my feet, like it had been. I could feel that my body was a teenager, somewhere around 17, Serena’s age. I would be in the same grade as her in the school, if I were to go. But she was in a coma, so how would going to the school save her?
The clock on the bedside table said that it was early morning, about 6:30. Serena’s school started at 8. I turned on the news, watching for her name.
“The fires at the other end of the state are still raging.” One station said, the man talking in a monotone. I flipped the channel. “Police chased a speeding car across four lanes of the freeway today in Colorado.” Another station stated, the woman much too chipper. “Serena Bell, high school senior, woke from her coma state today. Two days ago, she attempted suicide in her home. Doctors say that she will be back to school tomorrow.” The news station said, and my heart released.
Serena was awake. I would have to go to school today, then, because I needed people to pay attention to her. And if I was a new student, I knew that Serena would be ignored tomorrow. But I also needed to pretend to know nothing about her, and stumbling around the hallways seemed the best option to do that.
I turned off the television, knowing that the hotel had free breakfast downstairs. I could remember the brush of my wings against my arms, and instantly missed their comfort. Gabriella had paid for an extended stay at this hotel, and no questions were supposed to be asked about why I was here alone. I left my room, grabbing the key card off of the desk. The elevator was down the hall from my room, and I walked towards it. I pushed the button and waited, my toe impatiently tapping at the floor.
When the elevator appeared, I climbed on and hit the button with the star on it, which would hopefully take me to breakfast. I wasn’t used to being able to touch things in the human world, even when I was down with Serena.
“Silly girl.” I heard, and I turned my head. No one was in the elevator with me, but I recognized the voice. Jezebeth was with me, here in the elevator. I would have screamed at her to leave, but the elevator stopped on a floor, the third floor, to let people on. If I responded, I knew that I would sound crazy. “I’ll be back.”
When the elevator reached the first floor, I stepped off and found the breakfast room. Inside there were sausages and eggs, and even yogurt all laid out on a large buffet. I had never seen so much human food in one place. I gravitated to the yogurt, because Guardians were forbidden to harm anything. I had already decided that I would continue to follow the rules, even wingless and human.
I sat alone in a corner with some strawberry yogurt and a spoon, savoring the flavor. It wasn’t fake, which made me happy. Human food could sometimes make me cringe, just watching Serena eat it. Serena had stopped eating food after a while, and I knew that was dangerous, so I always tried to nudge her to eat just a little bit.
Jezebeth didn’t return to whispering in my ear, not even after I was back in my hotel room alone. I Googled where Serena’s school was, the only high school in the town, and started walking a little before seven. There was only a little bit of light filtering through the clouds, but I found the school after about ten minutes.
“Can I help you?” the woman at the desk asked, her voice too high pitched. She was straining to sound happy, and the taste of her lie was sweet on my tongue. As sweet as spoiled chocolate, at least. I resisted the urge to rub my tongue on the roof of my mouth to take away the taste. My angel instincts such as tasting lies and emotions were not quite gone, and I hoped they wouldn’t fade.
“I’d like to enroll in school here.” I said, rubbing the sleeve of my sweater between my thumb and forefinger. It was soft, like the color that it was. The woman smiled at me, a fake sort of smile that made my stomach turn.
“What’s your name?” she asked, long red nails poised over the keyboard like dragon claws.
“Celeste Andrews.” I said, pulling the last name out of thin air. Angels didn’t have last names, and even Celeste was a shortened version of my name. Celestia just didn’t fit me, not often, so I had trained the angels to call me Celeste.
“Where are your parents, Celeste?” the woman asked, genuine concern entering her voice. Panic seized me, and it tasted like brilliant mint, too strong on my tongue.
“I’m a foster child.” I stuttered out, rubbing the sweater sleeve faster. “My foster parents treat me like an invisible. They told me to enroll myself.” I said, and she typed into the computer quickly.
“Okay, sweetie. That’s okay.” She said, typing more. “I’m Ms. Stevens. We’ll get you signed up for classes.” Ms. Stevens kept typing, and then signed me up for English IIII and Advanced Math. I didn’t know what either of those were, but I went along with it. After she signed me up for what she called ‘Core classes’, she asked me what I liked to do in my free time.
“Draw? Sing? I’m not really sure.” I said, a question quavering in my voice. Ms. Stevens smiled and signed me up for choir and art. She hit a button and my schedule ejected from a printer across the room.
“Here you go, Celeste. Welcome to our high school.” She said, handing me my schedule. I took it, smiling at her. My hands shook.
“Thank you.” I said, and walked into my first day of high school.
***
The amount of teenagers in this high school was astounding. Every time I leave a classroom, the huge masses of people squashed me and reminded me how open my cloud was. It feels nearly impossible to breathe, to fill my lungs up with air.
No wonder Serena hated her school so much. It was impossible to breathe, much less get to my class on time. I mostly kept my head down, staring at my shoes and wishing that I had something to drown out the constant chatter of the kids around me. Their voices pierced the sound barrier, and it never stopped.
When I finally left the school and got back to my hotel room, I was exhausted. But I faithfully pulled out my math, concentrating on the numbers and letters. They meant nothing to me, so how was I going to ‘solve’ it? After a while, I gave up and flicked on the television and closed my eyes to the numbing, boring white noise.

 My locker was empty. Everyone else seemed to have notebooks and pens, but I had absolutely nothing. There was no money given to me, though. Silently, as I paced the halls in the morning, waiting for Serena to appear, I thought about Gabriella. Or more, I thought to Gabriella.
I need some supplies. Like money, for pens and notebooks. Maybe even a bag, and some music. It’s so loud, Gabriella. I need something to block them all out. I stopped thinking, and just watched for Serena. She was skinny and pale, with long dark hair that almost came to her waist. She wasn’t skinny due to starvation, though, she just was.
Finally, ever so slowly, I saw Serena walking up the stairs. School hadn’t even started and she looked exhausted. She saw me, and a surprised look appeared in her eyes. I knew that she couldn’t recognize me, not by my face, but I also figured that she wasn’t expecting a new girl to be pacing by the stairs.
“Hi.” I said, quietly, as she gaped at me. She slowly moved out of the way of the stairs, so that other people could get by. Serena’s wrists were wrapped in thick gauze, and she held them closely to her sides. She wore black skinny jeans and an AVENGED SEVENFOLD shirt, which I didn’t know what was, but I smiled anyway.
“Hi.” Her voice was raspy, but I knew that it could be as tinkling as jingle bells and as beautiful as the strumming of a harp. She stared at her sneakers, rubbing the toes against each other. Her hands, pale against the black of her jeans, were slightly shaking.
“I’m Celeste. I’m new.” I said, stopping my pacing. I didn’t want to scare her, didn’t want to make her shy away. I needed to save this girl, not just for myself, but because this girl deserved to live. I had been watching her for over a year and a half, but I never realized how absolutely gorgeous she was.
“I’m Serena.” She said, still staring at her shoes with her brown eyes that were deep and liquid at the same time. They were the color of cognac brandy, deep and bright with hints of red and honey, too.
“Are you new, too?” I asked, even though I knew that she had been going to this school since freshman year. She shook her head.
“Oh.” I said, staring at my own shoes. Serena slowly walked away, and I cursed myself for being so forward. It was her first day back, and I was supposed to comfort her, not make her feel more nervous. Humanity was hard, too hard. How was I supposed to save Serena if I couldn’t even hold a conversation with her?
I walked to my English class, but before I could get very far, I felt a hand on my arm. I turned my head, and saw a strand of dark hair.
“What are you looking for?” Serena asked, her soft, raspy voice filling the quiet hallway.
“English Four.” I said, my voice coming off the way I felt. Shy and nervous, all the way through my body. I wanted my hands to stop trembling, so I held them to my side. Serena laughed, bells floating on the stale air of the school.
“I have that class too. What teacher?” I showed her my schedule, which had been crumpled up and stuffed into my pocket. “I’ll show you where it is, Celeste. That’s my first class.”
“Thanks.” I said, my hands stopping their tremors just a bit. Serena led me to the class, where she let go of my arm and turned to face me.
“Are you sure you’re new?”
“Yeah, pretty sure this is only my second day here.” I say, trying to put an edge into my voice like I had heard Serena do so many times. It failed miserably, just making me sound even more nervous.
“You just seem really familiar.” She said, opening the door. I followed her into the classroom, my head down, dirty blonde hair falling around like a curtain around my face. My sneakers were already dirty, even after two days on Earth. How did people keep clean?
The teacher drones on, so Serena holds out her hand. I look at her, the confusion clear on my face. She motioned to my pocket, where my schedule bulged out like a ball. I pulled it out of my pocket and carefully put it into her hand. She unfolded it carefully, just as carefully as I had seen her pull a razor across her skin.
Serena read over my schedule, and the gauze on her arm moved just enough to see the scar. I wondered if she knew that I had held her, wrapped my wings around her, as she died on the floor of her bedroom. I wondered if she knew that anyone had known about her demons, before her parents found her and seen the scars along her wrists and hips.
“You’ll fail. Look at her. She’s too broken, Celeste. Haven’t we done a good job?” Jezebeth whispered into my ear. I shook my head, resisting the urge to bat my hand next to my ear, like Jezebeth was a fly. But I did turn my head, ever so slightly, and looked at Serena. And for the first time since she became my Guarded, I truly saw Serena.
Her brandy eyes were frosted with secrets and pain as she read over my schedule. Serena’s hand tapped against the table, like she had to be moving something. Her shirt slipped up, revealing another red line across the top of her hip. The wrappings on her wrists could be anything, but I knew. As she brushed her hair back behind her ear, I could tell that it took everything in her to just be normal.
After over a year guarding Serena, I now truly saw how much pain she was in. She turned to me, catching my eyes with hers. “We have all the same classes.” She whispered, handing me back my schedule.
“Okay. Cool, I guess.” I say, stuffing the schedule into my pocket. Serena wrapped her arms around her thin body and slumped in her seat, burying her body in on itself. Her self- hatred was almost obvious, the way she absolutely despised her body being seen by anyone. I looked at my desk, counting the number of scratches and pencil marks.
Finally, the block ended. I stood, staring at my shoes. Serena followed, but led the way silently to our next class. She was silent most of the time, not one to talk very much to someone new. Or anyone at all, it seemed. The rest of the day was like that.
***
Serena climbed into her car after school, and I kept my head down, walking back the hotel. The rumble of cars and busses in the town, however small it was, seemed deafening to me. The clouds had always been so silent, maybe a bird singing, but absolute peace. Earth seemed too busy, too bustling and loud.
When I got to the hotel room, I flopped onto the bed before realizing that there was something underneath me. A large, annoying something. When I stood, I found a large wad of money. It was at least $200, if not more.
Thank you. I thought, and felt warm for a moment. Gabriella must be near, or another angel. Maybe since I was human now, I got a Guardian. The money was soft and cold against my fingers. I stuffed it in my pocket, leaving the room and searching for a Walmart. It happened to be up the road from the hotel.
I bought some jeans and some sweaters, soft like the one Gabriella had sent me with. I found that light colors looked good on me, a nice deviation from my usual white robes that had long holes in them for my wings. And with the remaining money, I bought a pair of cheap earbuds like Serena had and an iPod.
Gabriella had sent me almost $400, with the knowledge that I would probably have to give her something if I got my wings back. I had almost $50 left, and the hotel had complementary everything, including dinner. I ate free lunch at the school, by some miracle put in place by the archangels.
I spent the rest of the money on iTunes cards, a word I had heard being thrown around school. I didn’t know what exactly they were, but the cashier just nodded, so I assumed that I was doing something right. Tomorrow I could block out the terrible whiteness of the noise in the school. The noise tasted like bitter berries and depression. Not a good taste combination.
On my brand new iPod, I went on this website called YouTube, and found music that tasted like strawberries and chocolate. It was simple violin music, beautiful and simple and perfect for drowning people out when it was turned up as loud as possible.
Tomorrow would be better, without the white noise. Maybe Serena would talk to me. Maybe I would be able to block out the buzz with this music I had found. Earth was just too much for me, which was one thing I was sure about. I missed being able to curl up in my wings and hide, I missed being able to touch clouds and focus on the sound of my breathing because there was no other sound at all.
But of all the things I missed about being an angel, I missed not being afraid. Agramon could hurt me in my angel form, physically and mentally, but now he could dig under my skin with his words and whispers. But I felt like I lived in fear, the fear that I wouldn’t be able to save Serena and get to be an angel again. I’m afraid I’ll be stuck wingless forever.
Agramon knows me too well. I’ve only been a human for two days, and I’m already terrified I’ll be stuck like this forever.

 Serena found me the next morning, sitting in a corner by the library, my new earbuds pressed into my ears. Today, she wore an ALL TIME LOW shirt and skinny jeans, and a white long sleeve shirt underneath the shirt. Her gauze was not quite as thick today. She also had earbuds in her ears, and she just put her bag next to my new one.
I watched her as she pulled out some homework and worked on it, moving her head to the tempo of the song she was listening to. I wanted to hold her, because I could sense that she was depressed today. It tasted like spoiled chocolate on my tongue, the old kind that I often heard humans complaining about.
“You okay?” I asked her, tapping her on the shoulder. She pulled out an earbud, turning to look me in the eyes. Her brandy eyes met mine, and I could tell that she was surprised at the color of my eyes. They were almost clear, but also quite blue.
“I… I’m fine. Your eyes, they’re so…” she said, tripping over her words.
“What about them?” I asked, as if I had never noticed that they were odd, even though they were the first thing that I looked at when I became human. The look on Serena’s face was nearly priceless.
“They’re so weird. Pretty, but weird. Like ice, but not. They’re literally almost clear.”
“Really?” I asked, brushing my hair out of my eyes. “I never noticed.”
“They’re awesome. I love eyes. How would you describe mine?”
“Don’t get offended. They look like booze. Cognac brandy, to be specific.”
“Most people just say brown. Why would I be offended?” Serena smiled, and while I could see that it was strained and it took a lot in her to move her lips, she was even more beautiful when she smiled.
“You’re beautiful.” I say, biting my lip. She blushed, the tips of her ears and neck turning nearly bright red.
“No one’s ever said that to me before…” she said, looking at her lap.
“It’s true. It’s also just an observation.” I quickly cover, thinking that Serena might think oddly of me. She just blushed more.
“Well, thank you.” Serena was back to being quiet, and after a few minutes, put her other earbud in her ear, ignoring me and the world. That was okay by me, though. Saving Serena was going to be hard when Serena didn’t seem to want to be saved. I put my other earbud in and we fell into what looked like a comfortable silence, when it was really awkward and we were both simply lost in our own worlds of music. Hers was full of screaming and guitars, while mine was full of violins and airiness. We looked like polar opposites, my blonde hair and soft sweaters and her dark style.
But I promised myself that I would save her. Serena didn’t want to be saved, but she needed to be saved. Even if it was just with friendship, Serena needed someone to be there for her. Music wouldn’t cut out Agramon, Jezebeth, or Procel. I knew that for a fact, because Jezebeth could still whisper through my violin music. The demons were getting smarter, I could see it in Serena’s brandy eyes. And my failure was the one thing that terrified me.
***
Serena and I sat every morning in silence for a good month. Gabriella continued to leave small amounts of money every time I started to fill a notebook or run out of lead for mechanical pencils. I always had just enough to get some more music on my iPod, too, to drown out the constant white noise of the city.
Even after a little over a month, the noise still surprised me. I had gotten used to falling asleep to music, with my earbuds stuffed into my ears. Serena never asked questions, but also never helped me as I stared at a math problem or a vocabulary word in absolute confusion. She just sat and did her own work, lost in her world of demons and loud music.
One day, she looked at me. “I don’t even know anything about you. Are you a senior?” she asked, once she had caught my attention and I had given it to her.
“I’m a senior. But I was homeschooled,” a good lie, for an angel who didn’t know what she was doing, “until this year. I… You don’t want to see where I live.”
“Why not? It can’t be as bad as my tiny house.” Serena said, picking at a thread hanging from the bottom of her SUICIDE SILENCE shirt. I rubbed the sleeve of my pale pink sweater between my thumb and forefinger.
“Don’t tell anyone, okay?” Serena nodded, and I pulled my courage together. “I live in a motel room by myself.”
“By yourself? Where are your parents?” Serena seemed incredulous that I lived alone, not that I lived in a hotel room.
“I was kicked out last year, but legally.” I said, grasping at the word. Serena had been wanting to do this for almost a year, just to be alone.
“You got emancipated?”
“That’s the word!” I said, snapping my fingers. Serena laughed.
“Cool. Want to hang out there after school?” she asked, snapping her fingers too. Serena wore her eyeliner slightly smudged under her eyes, and it made the bright brandy of her eyes pop.
“I guess.” I said, my voice almost a whisper. There was no way that I thought Serena would actually want to hang out with me. This was a chance to save her, a chance to change the things I did. Today, I might make Serena’s day just a bit better, if not help save her right now.
Serena and I walked home, my arms wrapped around my math textbook. Serena’s arms hung loosely at her sides, swinging a bit as she walked. I led the way back to the hotel, where we climbed on the rickety old elevator. It creaked as I hit the button, and Serena gulped.
We got to my room and I unlocked the door with the fancy keycard. Serena walked in to see a wad of money on the couch from Gabriella. She walked quickly, picking it up. “What’s this?”
“That’s money from my sister.” I stuttered out, staring at my shoes.
“Can we get pizza?” Serena asked, even though I had never seen her eat. During lunch, she just sat near the doors, her music at full blast and her toes tapping against the cold tile floor. I always managed to choke down the disgusting food, but I tended to avoid her during lunch. It seemed that I looked too attached to the girl that barely spoke to me.
“I guess. Do you mind calling?” I asked, and Serena picked up the phone. As she ordered, a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese, I took out my math homework, staring at the problems written on the glossy page of the textbook. I had no clue how to do these problems. It was a miracle I was scraping by in class, much less passing. But somehow, I was doing both.
When Serena hung up the phone, she noticed that I was staring at my math homework with a blank look on my face. “Need some help, Celeste?” her voice was like honey, in a good way. The booze and pills of her suicide attempt had faded out of her voice, leaving it the way it had been before.
“I don’t know what this even means.” I say, and Serena laughs again. I feel like I’ve done something, making her laugh. It’s a good feeling, to make someone laugh. I could never make someone laugh like that as an angel, just make them feel the warmth of being there. My aura and wings could brush against them, but I could never tell them jokes, never make them feel better with laughter.
“Okay. So…” Serena sat down next to me and showed me how to solve a problem. Now that someone had shown me, it seemed so much simpler. The teacher had just assumed that everyone knew, so I hadn’t had a chance to ask, even though he always asked if anyone had questions. But no one else seemed to question anything, so I had slumped in my seat and sat on my hands.
The pizza showed up after a while, a large concoction. I had never had pizza before, but I didn’t want to tell Serena that. I picked up the slice of pizza, cheese dripping off onto the box. It was hot, but I put it into my mouth. The flavor exploded onto my tongue, cheese and sauce and pepperoni. The pepperoni was spicy and a bit greasy, but it was so good. Why didn’t we have this in the clouds?
I took another bite, and Serena looked at me oddly. I finished chewing the delicious food, swallowed, and put the pizza down. “What?”
“Have you ever had pizza before?”
“Uh… Not like this.” I said, so she would think that maybe I had had gross pizza before today. But instead of calling me out, she just smiled and took a bite.
“I’m starving. Sorry if I eat a little sloppy.” She said, and I smiled. I was hungry too, but more hungry for the touch of my feathers on my shoulder and the silence of the clouds. “So why did you introduce yourself to me the day I got back?”
“You were the first person I saw that I hadn’t seen on my first day. Everyone else had been mean. I was hoping you wouldn’t be.” I said, a bit sheepishly. It was true, but I also couldn’t’ tell Serena the full truth. It would be weird if I said that I was looking for her.
“Really? You didn’t even question why I hadn’t been there before?”
“Not really. I mean, I thought maybe I had just missed you the day before. I’d never been in such a big school, or any school at all.”
“Everyone else thinks I’m an attention- seeking brat.”
“Why?”
“Because I tried to kill myself.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” Serena looked at her pizza. “About a week before you met me.”
“Why?”
“Because I hate myself. My brown eyes are too boring, my hair is too bland, and I can never do anything right.” Serena said, still staring at her pizza.
“That’s not true. Your eyes are the color of brandy, and I wish I had hair like yours, and you just did that math problem right. So that’s something, not nothing.” I paused as Serena looked at me. “You’re gorgeous, and I’m being honest there. And, you didn’t ignore me. Everyone else acted like I was a fly that was annoying them. But you talked to me, at least a little bit.”
“That’s really sweet, Celeste. No one has ever said anything like that to me before.”
“Well they obviously haven’t met you, then.” I said, and took another bite of my pizza. So this was how it felt to make someone feel better with words. Like the opposite of Jezebeth and Agramon, good words.
“You’re not changing anything, wingless angel. She’s still under our control.” This time, Agramon whispered in my ear. I could hear Jezebeth cackling in the other, her breath warm and putrid on my flesh. I resisted the urge to shiver as she cackled again, but a chill ran down my spine anyway.
“You okay?” Serena asked, and I laughed, hoping to cover it up.
“Someone must have stepped on my grave.” I said, and she laughed. At least she knew what it meant, because I hadn’t heard anyone say the old myth around the school.
“Maybe they’re dancing on it! Or doing a little jig. To honor you, of course.” Serena laughed, and I tried to laugh with her. But the thought that I might have a human grave scared me. I was meant to be an angel, with wings. Not a human, surrounded by this white noise and hatred. The pizza was good, but that was the only good thing on Earth so far. Pizza and Serena.
“That would be interesting. I must do something awful weird if they’re doing a jig on my grave.” I took another bite of pizza, and Serena laughed. She had a lovely laugh, and a beautiful smile. I wondered why she hated herself.
***
I resolved to ask Serena why she hated herself the next time we hung out, if we ever spent time together again. The next time happened to be a week later, at her house. She drove us both to her house and introduced me to her parents. They were nice, but distant.
“Why do you hate yourself, Serena?” I asked once we had collapsed onto her bed. She sighed, a drawn out noise that was lower than one I had ever heard a human make. It felt like depression and sadness.
“Everyone else hates me. So I started hating me, too.” Serena said quietly, almost to herself. Her words tasted like sadness, like flat soda and they smelled like rain. We were laying on Serena’s queen sized bed, next to each other. I had done this thousands of times as an angel, but never able to truly touch Serena.
I carefully slipped my hand into hers, interlacing our fingers. Serena was so lost in her own world, she didn’t even notice my hand. I rubbed the side of her hand with my thumb, but she noticed my hand. Carefully, she pulled each finger away.
Maybe she thought that I meant to hold her hand as more than friends. Either way, she turned on her side to face me. I turned to face her. “Are you a lesbian?” Serena asked me, dead serious. The glimmer of playfulness in her brandy eyes told me she was curious and playful though, like it wouldn’t affect our friendship if I was.
“No, you just seemed really sad.” I said, and Serena smiled, but it was a sad smile that made her look like a broken doll. If I had my wings, I would wrap them around her and keep her warm until she could be happy again. If I was still an angel, I could fight Procel and Jezebeth for her, and keep Agramon away. But I was simply human.
Serena noticed the empty look in my clear eyes, or something close to that, because she tapped me on the shoulder. “I’m always, always sad, Celeste. But you shouldn’t be.” She said, and pulled my hand into hers.
“Neither should you, Serena. You’re beautiful and honest.” I squeezed her hand, and Serena smiled, just as sad as before. But I could tell I was making a difference. I was going to save Serena Bell if it killed me.

 My dreams most nights were fitful, feathers falling around me from my blackened wings. The phantom pains and feelings of my wings brushing my cheeks at night didn’t help. I could still feel them burn like the night Serena tried to kill herself, like Agramon was stroking them. But I knew that he couldn’t be, because my wings were gone.
I wanted them back more than anything. Not because I wanted to be able to fly again or because I wanted to be an angel again, but because I could wrap up in them. Wings tended to muffle noise, too, which I always wanted at school. And everything on Earth was hard. Tables and chairs and even the mattress was hard. I missed the softness of the clouds and the way they reacted to emotions.
Serena was my softness now, I could easily relax into her friendship. Even through her silence and scars, Serena was always there for me when the people became too much. She was convinced that my parents had abused me or something, so she was always protective. Her band shirts and skinny jeans often scared off freshmen and sophomores, and juniors had all experienced her rudeness firsthand.
But with me, so seemingly innocent, Serena was gentle. Her words had no edge to them, and even her dark hair seemed soft, not dangerous. Serena was the one person in the school I actually talked to, actually cared about. When I was scared, Serena would be my wings, wrapping her warm arms around me and squeezing until I could breathe normally again. She was like my soul mate, and I was slowly falling in love with her, but in a friend sort of way.
Serena always said she didn’t want to be saved, that her hatred and self- deprecation were her own fault. But every day, I tried to make her happy, because she deserved to be happy. Serena Bell was an intense girl, one who was feared by many and hated by most. But the few of us who truly loved her, the punkers and heavy metal kids we sat with at lunch, loved her with an intensity that couldn’t be put into words.
It felt good to know that I was saving her. Until the day Serena didn’t show up to school. That scared me, so badly. I ran all the way across town to her small house and beat on the door, harder than I had intended. Her mother answered the door looking pale and shaken.
“Oh, Celeste. It’s you.” She said, the sigh evident in her voice. It was a relieved sort of sigh though, so I felt that I was okay. Hopefully, Serena was okay, too. “Would you like to come in? Serena has the flu.”
“Sure, I’ll come in.” In all of my time being her Guardian, I had seen Serena get sick all of twice, if that. She was just a healthy person in general, except for the razor sharp edges of her mind. I entered her room, which was dimly lit, to find Serena holding her arm over a bucket. As I watched her, my breath catching in my throat, she drew the razor across her skin once more. “Serena?” I whispered, knowing that she wouldn’t want her parents to hear.
“Celeste!” Serena turned, still holding her arm over the bucket. I could hear the blood drip into whatever was already in the bucket. She inhaled sharply, which caused her to have a fit of coughing. A roll of paper towels rested by her thigh.
“Give me your arm.” I said, once she could breathe normally again. I wrapped it in the paper towels, pressing against the lines. I could feel the blood slowly seep through the paper towels, but I kept pressing my hand against her cuts. Serena bit her lip, tears rolling down her face. “I’m not angry, Serena.”
“You aren’t?” she asked, obviously surprised. I smiled, a sad sort of smile, because I wanted Serena to live. I wanted Serena Bell to be okay, to be happy, so that I could be happy. I wanted to be an angel again and watch as she pressed the towels to her arm and bit her lip through the sting. But it also felt good to be there as she cried.
“I’m only mad that you didn’t think you could come to me. Is someone being mean to you again?” I asked, forcing as much compassion into my voice as I could manage without sounding like it would matter as much to me as it did.
“Only myself.” Another tear rolled down her face, carrying with it some eyeliner and mascara. I pulled the towel away, which made the cuts bleed again. I pressed a new towel to them, willing the blood to stop. How many times had I sat here, brushing my wings against her, trying to make her feel better?
“She’s lying. It’s me, you know.” Jezebeth whispered into my ear, making a chill run down my spine. Instead of shivering, I focused on what Serena was saying.
“I don’t want you to be sad, Serena. I want you to live. What about college?” I asked, knowing that she was in choir with me. “You could probably get into Julliard for singing alone.” I said, laughing a bit. It didn’t make Serena laugh, though. “I’m serious. You have a beautiful voice.”
I would know, because angels are supposed to have great voices, and my singing sounded like a dying cat. Usually it didn’t sound too bad, but at angel standards, my simple alto was boring and bland. Serena could sing from a baritone to a soprano, and often did, singing along when a boy didn’t know his part.
“You really think so?”
“I really do think so, Serena. Your voice could beat an angel any day.” And it could. Even Gabriella, vocalist angel extraordinaire, couldn’t sing as good as Serena could. On a bad day, Serena sung better than most angels I had heard.
“Maybe I’ll try for Julliard then.” She said, as the bleeding of her arm stopped. “Maybe I will.”
***
That night, Agramon and his cronies visited me in my dreams. Jezebeth and Procel stood behind Agramon, who was currently a crimson so deep he almost couldn’t be seen. “You’re killing us, Celeste.”
“Good thing, too, Agramon.”
“This isn’t a good thing. Serena is meant to do great things in the underworld. You’re messing with the plan.”
“Serena’s supposed to do great things while she’s alive. And I’m going to make sure that she stays alive to do them.”
“You’re grasping at thin air. No human has the power to make another human stay alive.” Jezebeth said, and Procel laughed. Agramon nodded, Procel’s cackle resounding in my ears.
Agramon had bat- like wings that were torn apart in some places, and they were bigger now that he was connected to both Serena and myself. He stroked my cheek with the tip of one, the tip scratching a line into my cheek, underneath my eye. I flinched away from his scalding touch.
“You silly little human, thinking that you can save your friend. She’s under our control. You’ll never get your wings back, not as a weak human.” His voice rasped like a dying man’s. Agramon’s breath stank of rotten meat. I fought the urge to gag or sneeze.
“I will save Serena. I promise you, I will.” I said, and the demons cackled. It grew cold around me, and once again I wished that I had my wings. I could wrap them around me and muffle the sounds of their laughter. My wings could keep me warm at a time like this.
But instead, I stood still as the demons transformed themselves into a tornado, whipping the cold air around me. My hair was a whirlwind, its thin fibers slashing against my face. The strands of my hair stuck in my eyes and on my lips. A scream ripped from my throat, but the demon’s laughter muffled the sound.
***
Gasping, I sat up, feeling under my eyes. No scratches, but a small raised line was under my eye. A scar that hadn’t been there before. I was almost sure that Agramon’s wings had scratched me, leaving a permanent mark of my humanity.
It was a Saturday, the winter just starting to frost over the tiny town Serena lived in. I was shivering in my hotel room. The first frost of the year must be a thick frost, freezing over the town quickly. I couldn’t call Serena, Gabriella seemed to only give me enough money for iTunes cards and food, and the hotel required a phone card.
Today I was alone, the cold slowly seeping into the room. I hate being alone as a human, it always seems to open my ears up to things I don’t want to hear. At the moment, the couple in the hotel room next to mine was going at it pretty hard. One little kid was screaming down the hall. I found my iPod, resting on the bedside table.
With my earbuds in my ears, everything seemed calmer. The simple sounds of piano and violin were soothing, blocking out the bustling sounds of the hotel. I laid back down on the bed, closing my eyes to the familiar notes. They were so simple, but every combination and harmony was beautiful.
I wondered how I had survived without music on the clouds. It had been silent there, but the harmonies of the music were so calming. And with Serena, I felt like I was in harmony. I love Serena Bell, but not in the way that most people mean. I love her with everything, but I would never dream of kissing her.
Serena was my everything, because she was the only reason I was here. I loved her brandy eyes and dark hair and her curves. Because she was still alive, still inhaling and exhaling. Serena hadn’t killed herself, so I was still human, but I wasn’t stuck this way. And I loved being friends with Serena. She was gentle with her words, and kind,
Maybe I did have a chance at saving her, no matter what the demons said. Agramon couldn’t be right all the time.

 The frost had settled deeply over the town by the time I got up for school the next Monday. Serena had always told me that winter was the best season, after I had told her I moved from where it was always warm. She had guessed Arizona, so we went with that.
I pulled on a thick purple sweater, rubbing my face with the soft sleeves. They were comforting, like the touch of wings. Maybe that was why I loved them so much. As I pulled up my jeans, I could hear the pitter- patter of raindrops on the window.
Breakfast at the hotel was the same as always. I had become a fixture at the hotel, and the workers usually looked for me in the mornings. Today, I was the only guest. Everyone else had left for the frost. No one questioned why I hadn’t gone home yet. The hotel had a laundry room for guests, which I used weekly. It wasn’t a bad place to stay, except that it was now empty.
There was a bus stop a few blocks from the hotel that went to the school. I had never taken the bus, but the cold rain seemed like too much to walk in. If I walked, I would be soaked by the time school started. A worker from the hotel handed me an umbrella with a smile, and told me to stay dry. I thanked him and walked into the parking lot of the hotel.
The sidewalks and parking lot were giant sheets of slick ice. I stepped carefully, trying to not slip and fall down. As I made my way to the bus stop, the rain slowly turned colder, until it was no longer rain, but snow.
It was beautiful, watching the snow fall from under the umbrella. The flakes looked like tiny clouds, drifting down from the grey clouds above. One brushed my cheek, a cold kiss from the angels. Serena was right. Winter was definitely the best season. Everything was cold and grey, but also beautiful. I had never seen snow from this side. It was amazing.
When I reached the bus stop, I found a short boy that I had seen around the school waiting under his own umbrella. Even though he was short, he was a good two inches taller than I was. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember his name, but I smiled like I knew him. He smiled back, just a bit.
“Celeste, right?” he asked, his voice smooth and slow like molasses. The sound of his voice tasted like honey, something that I hadn’t felt for a while. Something was strong about this boy. I hadn’t tasted voices since Serena had spoken to me the first time. “I’m Will.”
I looked at him closely, and something inside myself snapped. I was back in the clouds, watching as a boy named Will, who had gone crazy due to his demons. I was watching him swallow pills, and then I was wrapping my wings around him, rocking him back and forth, keeping him alive. I was trying to save Will, again and again, inside my mind.
This was the same boy. The same spiky dark hair, the same gunmetal grey eyes. The same name, the same tan skin covered with white scars. I swallowed. Because of me, this boy had spent over two years in a mental hospital, fighting off the demons when I should have fought them. My heart felt like it was closing in on itself. I couldn’t breathe in the cold air.
“Celeste?” Will was asking, waving a hand in front of my face. I tasted honey again, but now the taste made me want to vomit. It was too sweet for the boy I had broken on accident.
“Sorry.” My voice sounded too quiet, and strained, like I was holding something back. “Nice to meet you.”
“Same to you. Are you okay?”
“Just a bit cold, that’s all.” I didn’t have a coat, just the thick sweaters. This time, when I spoke, it sounded mostly normal. Will shrugged off his coat and handed it to me. He was wearing a green sweatshirt underneath.
“The bus will be warm, but until then, here.” He held my umbrella while I muttered my thanks and put on the coat. It smelled like Old Spice shaving cream, like the bathroom in Serena’s house.
“Thank you.” I said again, and Will handed my umbrella back to me. A few minutes of somewhat awkward silence later, the bus pulled up onto the curb. The door swung open with a sharp hiss of air. Will closed his umbrella and raced on, the action beckoning for me to do the same.
“Who are you?” the bus driver asked. Will came to my rescue before I could stutter out a reply. The driver was a burly man who didn’t look happy about the fact that I was on his bus without permission.
“She’s with me, sir.” Will said, and the driver nodded with a resigned look in his eye. The bus started to move, the doors hissing shut. I sat down in an empty seat, and Will sat next to me. The closeness of the boy that I had failed made me anxious. I pulled my iPod from my pocket and turned it on, filling my ears with violins instead of white noise.
When the bus dropped us off at the school, I handed Will back his coat. He smiled as I slipped into the crowd, searching for Serena. People squeezed at every side of me, but I paid attention to the climbing notes of the violin. Serena was sitting in our regular spot on the second floor.
I sat next to her, shaking. I couldn’t tell her that I just saw the boy that I had failed, or anything about my morning. But she noticed my shivering and wrapped her arms around me, tucking her head onto my shoulder as I fought to regain my breath.
If Will was here, in school, then that meant that another angel had saved him. The rules of Guardians showed that humans were incapable of saving themselves, that’s why they had us. Guardian angels were supposed to save people. But if Will had saved himself, then that meant that our whole rulebook was a huge lie. The thought made me shake harder.
“It’s okay.” Serena whispered, which calmed me down enough to only shiver with cold. Serena rubbed my back, moving the soft fabric around on my back. I was terrified that Will was in the school. What would happen if he went crazy again?
That wasn’t really my concern though, not while I had to save Serena. Serena was the one still battling her demons. Will had smiled, and seemed nice. His demons seemed to be gone, at least for now.
So why did I feel like my whole purpose was about to change?
***
The school day was cut short by about three hours when the snow started to cover the streets so badly that it was getting hard to drive. There was no way that I could walk home in the start of a blizzard. Serena poked me in the arm during the announcement.
“Do you need a ride?” she whispered into my ear, her breath hot on my neck. I shivered, just a bit. The motion felt so intimate, but so natural for Serena at the same time. I didn’t know what to make of her offer. The hotel was cold and empty, and I didn’t want to stay the night alone. I could feel it in the back of my mind, the demons would visit me in my dreams tonight.
“Yes…” I whispered in return, and Serena turned my head with a tug of my hair. It was light, but with my heightened senses since seeing Will, it hurt. I flinched, noticeably, because Serena let go of my hair.
“Do you want to stay the night?” she asked, her hands shaking with anxiety. I knew from watching her from the clouds that Serena rarely had friends spend the night. There was too much that she didn’t want to show them.
“Really?”
“Yeah. I mean, you’re okay with sleepovers, right?”
“Yeah, I guess. No one’s ever invited me to one before.”
“Then you’ll have to have your first sleepover at my house.” It was decided. Serena smiled, and this time, I could see the happiness in her brandy eyes. For once, she had a true friend who wanted to spend the night at her house.
If only I could tell Serena about my past. I wanted to tell her everything about my angelic past, how I used to be an angel, and how all I wanted was my wings back. But that would scare her off, I was almost sure of that. Serena was my first real friend, just like I was her first friend in a long time.
But I knew in my heart that I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. I couldn’t spill my heart out about the deep ache my wings had left in my heart. I couldn’t tell anyone how it felt to see my failure, standing in front of me, every time I saw Will. There was no one on Earth who could understand how it felt to not have the very thing that had made you happy. Not in the same way, at least. Will had this pull though, that drew me closer to him with every breath I was taking. I needed to know this boy’s story, the part that I hadn’t seen. The part that I hadn’t been allowed to know.
Maybe I would ask Serena about Will at the sleepover. She must know some of his story, since she knew everything about everyone in the school, at least from my perspective. Serena would know why he was here, and he wasn’t unattractive. It was almost the perfect plan to learn about him.
Except for the fact that I had no idea how to bring up a boy with my friend. I had never had this issue before, not in the clouds where everyone was alone and did their jobs. In the clouds, you just watched your Guarded and protected them, unless they were asleep or you knew that they would be safe. You never saw another angel, not often. And you certainly didn’t sit around and gossip about the attractive angels. It just wasn’t done, not where I was concerned at least. Maybe I was a recluse angel, extremely devoted since I had failed Will.
“Celeste? You okay?” Serena was waving a hand in front of my face. The bell had just rang to release us for the day, and I had been staring at the board, stuck inside my own head. I smiled and grabbed my bag.
“Let’s go.” I said, chipper and happy, even though I was so conflicted inside. How was I going to talk about the person I had failed? His every sickness, every bad day, was my fault. This wasn’t paranoia, not like anyone else who had felt this before. This was pure guilt, coursing through every vein in my body. But I would have to make it sound like I liked him. I pictured Will’s smile in my mind, so pure and innocent. He did have a nice smile.
Serena led me to her car, where we climbed inside. She drove me to the hotel to get clothes and money, and I quickly run into my room. Inside, there was a girl sitting on my bed. Her hair hung in her face, black as tar. Her olive skin glowed in the yellow light of the hotel room.
“Hello?” I asked, and the girl looked up. She had the emptiest eyes I had ever seen, a clear green that was even clearer than my own blue. She looked frail and terrified, and she shook as she looked at me.
The girl said nothing, just looked at me with the clear green eyes. Was she an angel? Or a demon sent to me in the flesh? Either way, I simply grabbed some clothes and money and left the room. My heart was pounding, hoping that by tomorrow, the girl would be gone. I didn’t want to have to deal with another person to save. That seemed too harsh of a punishment.
I raced back to Serena’s car, my blood rushing in my ears. Too much fright, too much panic. But when I entered the warmth of Serena’s car, everything seemed so much easier, so much better. I could breathe again, but I couldn’t tell if it was because I was with Serena or if it was because I was away from the girl.
“Okay. So, we need popcorn.” Serena said, pulling into her driveway. I carefully made my way across the snow- covered sidewalk, my eyes searching the horizon for Will. I don’t know why I thought he would be near Serena’s house. It made no sense. But still, my eyes wandered for his dark coat. We reached the front door, and Serena pulled it open, her hand shaking with cold. Warm air from the inside of her house rushed at our faces, and I giggled. This just seemed so normal, when my life had changed today, possibly irreparably.
We walked inside, and saw Serena’s parents, packing a suitcase. Serena smiled, and I figured that it was normal for them to be packing up and going away. I followed Serena like a lost puppy, and she led us to the kitchen, where we made hot chocolate and popcorn. As we waited for the kettle to boil, I heard the door open.
“Bye, Serena! We’ll be home Sunday! Good to see you, Celeste!” Serena’s mom yelled, and I noticed that they sounded excited about leaving their daughter alone. They were leaving their lonely, depressed daughter. But I kept my mouth locked tight around the popcorn kernel on my tongue. “We love you!”
“Love you too!” she yelled, but her face showed no emotion. It was almost as if it was normal for her parents to be leaving for almost four days, without her. If I was Serena, I would be hurt and in pain, but she just acted like it was completely normal to be alone. But then I thought about the fact that I lived in a hotel room all alone, and when I was an angel, I had lived alone. And I was completely used to the fact that I was alone.
“Okay, so what now?” I asked, once I heard the lock click in the door. The snow was still falling down, covering the land outside in a sparkling white blanket. It was beautiful, the way the snow drifted down from the sky and left its temporary mark on Earth. Angelic, almost, the way the flakes floated like feathers and glittered under the sun.
“Now, we sleepover!” Serena said, as if that was a perfect explanation. But then she seemed to remember that I had never been to a sleepover before. “How about a movie?” she asked, and the kettle started to boil. Serena giggled and poured the water over our hot chocolate powder, stirring it with a metal spoon.
Serena carried the popcorn and left me to carry the hot chocolate into their living room. She settled the popcorn onto the couch and chose a movie from the shelf near the television. I sat down, putting the hot chocolate onto a small table next to the couch. Serena put the movie into the DVD player, and found the remote. The popcorn was placed onto my lap as Serena sat down next to me and started the movie.
I didn’t pay attention to what it was about. This hot chocolate was amazing, rich and chocolaty. I didn’t know why I had never had this before. The popcorn was also warm and buttery, perfectly salted and cooked. The popcorn wasn’t burned, and I wondered why the clouds didn’t have food like this. Hot chocolate was quite possibly the best invention ever. Drinking it felt like I was warming myself with wings from the inside.
Serena looked over at me, slowly sipping my amazing hot chocolate, and started to laugh. It wasn’t a mocking laugh, not like when someone in class was being stupid or when a kid was being bullied and Serena found it funny. Usually, after she laughed, she helped the victim, so I was okay with her laughing. But her laughter now was tinkling, like a bell. It filled my ears and made my ears feel like they were bubbling with happiness. This wasn’t a feeling that I had felt before. Her laugh made me want to fly, even more than usual.
“What?” I asked, fighting the urge to shake the invisible bubbles out of my ears. Serena just laughs again as I take another sip of hot chocolate. The warm liquid curls down my throat, warming my mouth and stomach. I sighed with pleasure, pure happiness filling me again for just a moment.
“You. Have you ever had hot chocolate before?” she asked, taking a sip of her own. Serena tried to mimic my blissful expression, but ends up looking like she’s making a double chin. I giggle, but the sound is nothing like her laugh. It doesn’t make me feel immensely happy, just that I am happy.
“No.” I say, and take another sip. This was honestly the best thing that I had ever had. I wanted more hot chocolate. No, I wanted to live off of hot chocolate for the rest of my days. There was nothing I wanted more than hot chocolate, except my wings. This must be what it was like for Serena to cut herself, to know that it was pure addiction that could release the pain trapped underneath her skin.
“Wow.” She said, shock taking over her face. I knew that I was lying to Serena by not telling her about my angelic past, but I couldn’t tell how she would take it. Being an angel that was sent to Earth for one person’s protection wasn’t necessarily a normal occurrence. And being that protected person would be even stranger.
We went back to watching the movie, but every once and a while, I would catch Serena looking at me. After the movie ended, as the credits played, I turned to Serena, looking into her brandy eyes.
“Do you know anything about Will?” I asked, and she looked a little surprised.
“Who?” she asked, a blank look in her eyes.
“Will. A boy in our school…” I let my sentence fade away, seeing the blank look in Serena’s eyes. “Never mind.” I shook my head, looking at my boots, bright against the faded carpet of Serena’s living room. They glared black against the soft tan carpet.
“I’ll find out for you. Don’t worry.” Serena said, smiling. I was glad that she understood what I wanted, because I couldn’t find the words to say that I needed her to find out about him. I needed to know how he was doing, but I couldn’t just find out on my own, not without revealing what I already knew about him, which would bring up more questions. “So, another movie?”
“I guess.” I said, still staring at my boots. Serena put in the next movie, but all I could think of was Will. I had to find out if it was the same boy. If I had failed him, he shouldn’t be here. But if I hadn’t failed him, Serena would have already died. I had no idea what to do.

 The snow had turned to a brown, slushy mess by the time Serena drives me home the next afternoon. Well, the place that has become my home since I came to Earth. The impersonal hotel room seems boring and lonely, but here I can relax and make a plan. I needed to learn what had happened to Will: before and after I failed him.
Something had caused some demons to try and kill him. For some reason, I was never told what the cause was when I had been his Guardian. After he attempted and was taken to the mental hospital, what I knew about him was a blank space. Honestly, I had never known much about Will. That was why I had forced myself to learn so much about Serena when I was her Guardian. I had always believed that keeping myself detached from him had made me fail Will.
How was I going to find out what had happened to him? I had only known him in reality, on Earth, for a day. There was no way that he would trust me enough to tell me anything; much less his past that he seemed keen to keep hidden. Serena digging up dirt would help me a bit, but if I wanted to know what had truly happened, I would have to ask Will himself. But now, the question became how I would get him to trust me.
No one just trusts a stranger. I would have to give Will a reason to trust me before he would tell me what I needed to know. But how could I make him trust me? I had no idea the way his mind worked, not after his time in the mental hospital. There was no way that I could get him to trust me as soon as I wanted the information.
I realized that while I had been thinking, I was pacing my hotel room. I stopped, sitting on the end of the beige bed. My foot tapped on the carpeted floor, drumming a rhythm that made me want to dance, but I knew that I could not afford to be distracted. By now, no one was staying at the hotel. I’m sure that the staff was getting tired of me, the way that I ate the measly breakfast.
The clouds outside were keeping the sky a dark grey, gloomy and depressing. I wondered if that was how Serena felt all the time. But quickly, my thoughts returned to Will. I had to show him that I trusted him. As the gloomy day raged on, wind howling at the windows, I thought of how I could make Will trust me enough to tell me his past. I couldn’t dare tell him that I had been an angel – that was too dangerous.
And then, it hit me. To make Will trust me, I would have to show him something no one else had seen, not even Serena. I would have to reveal my secret, but in a different way. My wings had been replaced by long burns, which had healed when I reached Earth. Now, I had long pink scars running down my back. They looked as though someone had whipped me. Even Serena had not seen the scars, I was too afraid to show her. Serena would ask questions. But Will, Will would trust me if I showed him my scars.
Tomorrow, I would have to bring him back to the hotel. The staff would give me odd looks, and I was sure that the gossiping housecleaner would ask me about him the next day at breakfast. But I had to know Will’s past. So, I would have to show him my scars, all of them. He might be afraid of them, but it was a chance I would have to take. My curiosity was getting the best of me. I had to know his past before much longer. It was making me distracted from my mission to save Serena, and that wasn’t okay.
***
The bus stop was frozen by the time I got there, standing in the slush with my arms wrapped around my torso. Serena had leant me a jacket, but it wasn’t doing much to keep the chill from my hands. Maybe I could get to Wal-Mart after school to buy a real coat. A real, thick, feather down coat with pockets. And gloves would be nice. As I waited for the bus, I made a mental shopping list.
“Hey, Celeste.” Will’s molasses voice slid along my ear, a warm puff of his breath landing on the nape of my neck. I could feel my ears and neck turning bright red. I filed the grocery list in the back of my mind and turned to face Will.
“Hi.” I couldn’t stop myself, I smiled. I knew in my heart that I shouldn’t be distracted by a boy. I needed to save Serena, not fall in love with a human. But still, Will’s gunmetal grey eyes and crooked smile made me a bit breathless.
“So how are you?” he asked, and my heart warmed just a little. The world still looked a little grey, a little morbid. But Will was making everything better, at least for me.
“Good. I was wondering… Do you want to come over after school?” the sentence was spilling from my mouth like a waterfall, too fast to understand. “You don’t have to, I just thought you might want to be my friend and…” the cold air seemed to be stealing my sentence. I let it hang in the air, and Will smiled his crooked smile.
“I would love to, Celeste.” He said, just as the bus pulled up. I could hear the slushy snow slurp against the rubber tires. The bus doors opened with a hiss, and Will motioned for me to get on before him. I climbed on, sitting down near the back. My iPod is cold, but I push the ear buds into my ears and start to play some Bach, falling into the music.
Will sits down next to me, but he notices my music and doesn’t say anything. I rest my forehead against the window, looking out at the brown slush on the side of the road. The music lulls for a moment, and I can imagine Serena being near to me, and Will on the other side, my only friends on Earth. It would be perfect, except for the fact that Serena didn’t like my music and three people couldn’t fit on a bus seat, not comfortably.
The bus gets to school all too quickly, and Will stands. The climax of a symphony comes into my ears as I walk off the bus, my bag bumping into my leg. It was cold, the kind of cold that bit at your face and had a smell. It tasted cold, in the way that can’t be described. The sharp air burned my throat and chilled my lungs. I bent my head and walked to the front door as quickly as I could, wishing that I was back on the clouds.
In the clouds, it was never too cold or too warm. It was comfortable, always perfect. The clouds were soft, never sharp and harsh like the air was now. If I ever was cold in the clouds, my wings kept me warm, their soft embrace was my comfort. My wings would wrap around me, their white feathers brushing my shoulders and arms. It was comfort, to know that I could protect myself or others with a simple touch, to know that my presence made things better, even it just for a moment. My wings were my favorite thing in the world, back when I had them. They could keep me warm in this harsh cold, I was sure of that.
But now, my wings were gone. All that remained were two long, deep scars running down my back. I could feel the phantom pain of my wings burning when I was falling asleep, and when I closed my eyes. I could picture Will tracing the scars, warm hands shivering as he wondered what could possibly leave that mark. I had to tell him something else, something that seemed more plausible than a fallen angel.
Serena was sitting in our usual spot. I sat down next to her, my hands shaking. I handed her the jacket I had borrowed, and she smiled, then went back to her writing. It wasn’t anything for a class that I could tell, and it looked like lyrics to a song. I opened a notebook, doodling in the margins. It turned into a flower, and another doodle became a wing. I quickly made a bird so that it didn’t look strange. A tree sprouted in the corner from my pen, and the golden sun pierced the sky.
I felt a tap on my shoulder, but the music and the drawing was keeping me locked in a trance. I added clouds and a small patch of snow, and the tree was frosted with blue ink. The tap on my shoulder came again, but I ignored it. The tapping became persistent as I added intricate feathers to the bird. Finally, they pulled out my ear bud.
“You’re really good, Celeste.” It was Serena’s voice. The praise came with the taste of sugary mint. I swallowed, a smile playing on my lips. I noticed that my tongue was in between my teeth, and I had been biting it as I drew. I corrected myself, making my tongue normal, and glanced over at Serena’s paper. It was now obviously song lyrics. Her looping scrawl was scratched over the paper with black ink. I was staring now, reading the words. They didn’t rhyme, but they were beautiful. I had no idea what the song was, but I could picture the words fitting together in my mind.
“Thanks. That’s a pretty song.” I said, and Serena smiled to herself.
“It’s by my favorite band.” She handed me one of her own earbuds, and played a song. I pulled out my ear bud from my other ear and listened. It was a slow song, with a lot of piano in the beginning. It wasn’t my regular type of music, but I enjoyed the melody. The song told a love story, a tragic story in which they fell in love so deeply that when one died, the other died inside. Tragic, but lovely. Some tragedies are beautiful, I decided.
I listened to the song, and asked Serena to write it on my wrist so that I could buy it that night. She happily obliged, and let me listen to it once again. It was a lovely tragedy, the kind that could become an epic romantic novel if only someone would write down every detail. The climax of the song came again, and I was reminded of losing my wings, the intense pain that had coursed through my veins. It was burning once again, a phantom pain of the wings I no longer had. Shaking, I handed Serena her music back.
The day dragged on slowly, almost too slowly. My mind wandered often to what Will’s reaction would be, and I hoped that it would go how I hoped. What I knew of him was tragic and lovely, like the song written on my hand. His eyes, the steely gunmetal that was so hard when I Guarded him, but now so soft and kind. I shook my head to get rid of the image in my head. I needed to focus on my schoolwork.
School was such an odd concept. A lot of the students seemed to dislike each other, and the taste of general hatred hung in the air. The halls themselves were stale and beige, boring in concept and execution. A few of the teachers were truly interesting, but a lot of the classes smelled of shared boredom, both teachers and students. Students got up early and came to school half- asleep, not doing anything but staring off into space. I was glad that they didn’t have this kind of thing in the clouds. I would never have wanted to stay an angel.
Finally, this monstrous day at school is over. I climb back onto the bus, sitting next to Will. Warmth radiated off of his body, and for a moment I relished the feeling. But then I remembered what I was going to show him, and tell him, and I knew that his warmth might go cold. It was such a risk, trusting Will. He might not trust me back, and I would have given away a secret for nothing. But it was a risk that I had to take if I wanted to know his past.
The bus stopped, screeching open. It was the stop where I got on every morning now, so I stood and got off of the bus quickly, smiling and nodding at the driver. Will followed, copying my actions. When we were safely on the ground, the bus doors closed and the driver drove the bus away, leaving Will and I standing on the cold, slushy corner.
“So where do you live?” he asked, adjusting his backpack.
“Just… Follow me.” It was now or never. I led the way, back to the small cozy hotel that I now called my home. Will followed like a diligent puppy. A couple of blocks later, we reached the icy parking lot. “Here it is.”
“You live in a parking lot?” he asked, skepticism dripping from his molasses voice.
“No, silly. I live in a hotel.” I walked carefully on the ice, helping Will spot the scary patches. We reached the door, and I pulled it open for Will. A warm blast of air came from inside, like a puff of smoke from a dragon. I smiled, and Will smiled back.
I led him inside, smiling and chatting with the staff. He stood behind me, sort of awkwardly, until I stopped chatting and got in the elevator, heading up to room 310. I don’t know why, but I’ve always loved the number. Maybe Gabriella knew this, or maybe it was a cosmic coincidence. Either way, I used the key to unlock the door.
I had cleaned up this morning, so nothing was lying around. Housekeeping had come to make the bed. Everything looked softly lived in, not stark and uninviting, but not personal. Will gazed around at the beige walls and slightly dark comforter on the lone bed. The blinking red alarm clock and dirty looking phone on the bed stand looked so odd, I noticed, so out of place. By investigation, I had learned there was a Bible in the drawer.
“Wow. I never pictured you in a place like this.” Will said. He sounded surprised, and his words tasted like honey and peppermint. Surprised, but okay for now. I sat down on the bed, rubbing the hem of my sweater.
“I know… I only live here because they won’t find me here.” Was lying a sin? I could taste the lie in the back of my throat. It burned like battery acid. But I had to tell him something, and this is what I had come up with.
“Who will find you?”
“My dad. He…” I pulled off my shirt, and turned my back. I could hear Will gasp at the long scars running down my back. After staring at them for hours, I had decided it sort of looked like a scar from a belt. I felt a light presence right over the scar, where my right wing had been.
“Can I?” Will asked, quiet concern staining his voice. I nodded silently, moving my hair so that he could touch them. A warm hand caressed the scars, and I fought the urge to shiver. His touch was comforting, but in a friendly way. “Celeste, I’m so sorry.”
“It isn’t your fault, Will.” I said, my voice a hollow whisper. It really wasn’t, not at all. Whereas his scars were my fault. I had failed to protect him all those years ago. Hot tears came to my eyes as his hand moved to the left handed scar.
“I know.” His hand fell away, and I took my cue to put my sweater back on. Will sat down at the desk chair. I pulled the sweater on, suddenly extremely aware that I had just stripped in front of a boy. Agramon was nudging me into quiet terror. I could feel the burn of his fingertips, unfelt by anyone else, on my shoulders and neck.
For a moment, Will simply stared at the floor, a small patch of carpeting between his shoes. But then, he was pulling off his sweatshirt, his scars visible. I gasped, as if it was the first time I was seeing them. And in a way, it was. I wasn’t watching him cut himself, I wasn’t detached and protecting. I was being trusted.
“What happened?” I asked, my voice hovering in the air like a bubble about to break. The words were fragile, and I feared that they would pop at any second. I was afraid that my words would shatter, and they would pop the thin layer of trust I had gained with Will.
“I was very sad for a long time. I was bullied…” his words hang in the air. I didn’t know that Will had been bullied. “Anyway, my parents died. I’m living with my aunt now. They were going to visit me in the hospital when their car crashed.”
“Why were you in the hospital?”
“My parents thought I was a danger to myself. I tried to kill myself, a couple years back.” The tears were stinging, about to spill out of my eyes. They were hot, sparkling in the corners of my eyes. “Don’t cry, Celeste. I’m okay now.”
“What was the hospital like?” I ask, my voice thick.
“Cold. Grey. Kind of hazy. They were giving me a cocktail of pills. That’s what my aunt says, at least. I don’t really remember.” Will stares at the floor, and I can’t decide if he doesn’t want to tell me or if he’s ashamed that he doesn’t remember. Somehow, I realize that either way, this is all he will tell me. I tuck my hair behind my ear with a shaky hand.
“I’m so sorry, Will.” I say, my voice gaining a bit of its light back. I feel as though my back is alight with his hands once again, like his touch could replace my wings. I wish that I had my wings back, to show Will what I once was, and how I may possibly be again. I knew that if I saved Serena, I would go back to the clouds, leaving this place forever. I could still watch over Will, but it wouldn’t be the same. He couldn’t touch my scars or walk with me to the bus stop.
“It’s not your fault.” Will picked up his sweatshirt from the floor, clearly done talking, at least about the past. He laid out on my clean, made bed, patting the space next to him. I shyly smiled, and climbed up onto the bed next to him. He smelled like some cologne, but not harsh and stark like the other boys at the school. I picked up the television remote, flipping the channel. Will stopped me at an animated show. “I love this show!”
I laughed, and we sat in silence, watching the animated pictures run across the screen. We laughed at the jokes, and the grey day faded into a darker grey night. After a few episodes of the show, the show changed, so Will groggily stood.
“Thank you for being my friend, Celeste.” He said, leaning down and kissing my hand. I was half asleep, the dark grey outside lulling me into a state of comfort and sleep. But his lips grazing my skin sent electricity through every inch of me, a shiver down the muscles in my stomach. But it was a good shiver, the kind that woke up every part of me and made me want to smile. The half sleep was gone.
“Of course, Will. Shall I walk you out?” Will smiled and nodded, pulling me up from the bed. I didn’t resist, and I was easy to pick up out of the soft bed. I walked him back to the parking lot, the dark sky a faded grey, but still showing some streaks of orange. Will kissed my hand once again, and walked briskly into the parking lot, towards where I assumed he lived. I watched as his silhouette became a slightly darker color than the sky, and then as he faded away completely into the falling night.
The frigid air engulfed me when I could no longer see the shape of his shoulders or the gait of his walk, and I turned around. The hotel now seemed more comfortable, and I knew more about the boy that I was dying to know about. A secret had been shared in my room, spilt like ink, and I wasn’t sure if my lie had done any good. Either way, it had been said now. There was no turning back. I made my way back to the hotel room, feeling the grey night become as deep as the ocean. I lay on the bed that Will and I had watched television in, imagining he was next to me, falling asleep.
I fell asleep listening to the wind begin to whistle through the air and the memory of Will’s soft lips grazing the skin of my hand. His perfect lips, brushing my angelic skin. The one part of him left unscarred touching a part of me that remained perfect. How tragic to think that I would have to leave this boy who obviously needed someone to love him. If I wasn’t an angel, maybe I could have been that someone.

 The next day at school, while I sat in the corner with Serena, someone unexpected came by. It wasn’t any of the guys or girls from our lunch table, but instead it was Will. He was wearing his hoodie from the day before. By the look on his face, I could tell that he wasn’t expecting me to be sitting next to Serena. I was soft, with my sweaters and my skinny jeans and soft boots, but Serena was sharp. Her band shirts and dark hair screamed “stay away”. We didn’t exactly fit in when we sat together, but we were still the best of friends.
I smiled at him, nudging Serena in the arm. Will smiled back warmly at me, and Serena smiled begrudgingly. Will handed his bag to me, and I watched as he carefully sat down next to me. I could still smell his perfume, but it was stronger than it was last night. I nestled into the comfort of the smell just for a moment, and then forced myself to be back to being just friends with him. It was hard, to let go of the comfort when it was all I wanted. But I settled into the comfort of Serena, still alive, instead.
Since last night, my mission has changed just a bit. I don’t want to simply save Serena. I want to live, and save Serena, and love Will, and possibly stay human. While this world was too loud, too sharp and bright, it was starting to comfort me. I could find my niche here, where the sky was a faded grey like an old pair of sweatpants. Serena was always showing me things that I never would have found on my own. I had clothing for school, but Serena gave me clothing for comfort. I had my violin music, but Serena had introduced me to the world of vocalization. She was teaching me, whether she knew it or not. I didn’t want to give up these friends that I had made.
“Hey, Celeste.” He said, his voice smooth and warm. I smiled, handing him his bag. Serena looked over at us, a question in her cognac eyes.
“Hi, Will.” I said, my voice soft and shy like it had been the day I met Serena. I had never been very loud, but Will made me timid and nervous. It was a good nervous, the kind you could get addicted to, but it was also dangerous. My hands began to shake at the thought of his soft lips brushing my own. I pushed the thought away, knowing that I must keep my emotions out of the way.
“How are you?” he asked, stuffing something into his backpack.
“Good. Did you freeze walking home last night?” Over the quiet violin music in my ear, I could hear Serena’s intensely loud screaming music. It was dangerous, the way she listened to her music. It was loud, and the vocalists didn’t simply sing, they screamed. I could hear her music whenever she listened to it, and the constant noise was an annoyance and a comfort.
“No.” he said, chuckling. It was amazing that Will chuckled. I hadn’t met a human that could chuckle like Will could. Mostly they just sounded strange and out of place, but Will made it sound like the most natural thing in the world.
“What are you two talking about?” Serena asked, pulling her music out of her ears and turning it off. The sudden lack of screaming seemed peaceful, but I also missed the quiet sound that always seemed to follow Serena around.
“We hung out last night.” Will said, as if it were as simple as that. Maybe to him, it was. Serena looked surprised, but she didn’t comment. Will pulled out a book and began to read.
“Serena, can you drive me to Wal-Mart tonight?” I asked her quietly, and her eyebrow shot up. Since I had been on Earth, Serena had gained maybe ten pounds, but I’m not purely the reason for that. Her parents had paid more attention to her since her attempt, but I could still see the glimmer of sadness in her eyes.
“Sure. What do you need?” she asked, wrapping her earbuds around her phone and tucking it into the pocket of her backpack.
“Just stuff.” I said, and Serena seemed to understand. I would explain it to her later. The bell overhead rang with a buzzing intensity. It made me jump, just because I wasn’t expecting it. Will stood, and I stood with him. Serena grabbed my outstretched hand, pulling her heavy backpack up with her. She and I walked to English, and Will took off to Band.
“So are you two a thing now?” she asked, as we pulled the door open to the English room. It was freezing inside. I could almost see the crystals of my breath hanging in the air.
“A thing?”
“Are you dating?”
“Will and I?”
“Yes, you and Will.”
“No. We’re just friends.”
“I see.” The teacher started class, and Serena and I took notes. I begged Gabriella for some money the whole class period. Hopefully, it would appear in my bag instead of on my hotel bed. Serena and I sat in silence, taking notes and keeping our heads down.
***
Finally, the day ended. Serena led me across the frosty parking lot to her small black car. I climbed in, finding it much roomier than it actually was. I set my bag down, searching in the pocket for money. I found two hundred dollars stuffed into the bottom of the bag. I fished it out, tucking it inside my pocket. Hopefully this would be enough.
Serena drove rather recklessly down the road, to the Wal-Mart at the edge of town. I held on tightly to the inside door handle. She wasn’t speeding, but I still felt like we could crash at any moment. As we careened down the highway, Serena blared some of her music. I had never heard the song before, but it was peppy. Serena screamed along.
We pulled into the parking lot, and Serena parked in the nearest parking space she could find. It was far from the door, and the harsh wind cut against my skin. I could feel my lips getting chapped as we walked from one end of the long parking lot to the other. Serena bopped her head to a beat I couldn’t hear, and I swayed with the sharp wind.
We stepped into the store, a blast of warm air sucking the cold air out of my lungs. I inhaled, smelling the warmth. It was a gingerbread scent, warn and inviting. I knew that I was the only one smelling it, but it still comforted me. I patted my pocket, making sure the hundreds were still inside. I could feel the bulge of the paper in my jeans.
“Okay. Where to?” Serena asked, and I started walking towards the clothes. I found a coat rack, and found my size, pulling it on over my sweater. It fit, and it was warn. The price tag said it cost twenty dollars. Serena raised her eyebrow. “You don’t have a coat?”
“I do now.” I said, rather quietly. Serena smiled at me, but not in a friendly way. She now looked like she pitied me. I instantly hated the feeling. “I outgrew my old one.” I lied, the bitter taste burning my throat. Now, it tasted like vodka. I swallowed, staring at the coat.
“Okay. What else?” we went back to electronics, and I bought another iTunes card. I looked at the disposable phones, too, but I couldn’t afford the cards that gave them minutes. Reluctantly, I put the cell phone back. My tiny amount of money, now gone with my coat and music, wouldn’t be enough to give me that means of communication. I would have to rely on the hotel’s phone.
Finally, I had used up every cent of my money on clothing and a new pair of boots, Serena and I walked up to the checkout. Wal-Mart had flickering lights, which made the gloomy day outside seem to follow us in. I shivered, trying to forget the gloom outside. The snow had been beautiful, but the grey slush that had taken over the sidewalks seemed to suck the color out of the sky.
“Thanks for shopping at Wal-Mart.” The shy checkout girl said as Serena and I walked out of the store. I waved back at her. Serena gave a half- hearted smile in my direction, and I wondered if she pitied me. I pitied myself, not being able to drive myself around the town and needing money from an angel to buy a winter coat. But Serena didn’t know any of that. She simply saw a shy, vulnerable girl who didn’t know much about the world.
Once we reached Serena’s car, I ripped the tag from the coat and pulled it on. It cut the harsh wind away from me, which I was grateful for. We climbed inside the car, and Serena started to drive. “You’re staying the night, okay?” she said, command coming into her tinkling voice. It had lost its raspy quality, the burn of the alcohol and pills faded away. Her voice was as crisp as the cold winter air outside. I had forgotten that today was the final day of the semester before Christmas break.
We pulled into the driveway of her house, and climbed out. Something in Serena’s cognac eyes told me that her parents weren’t home, and that she needed someone in her house. Maybe my chance to save her would come tonight.
“You okay?” I asked, watching her pale hands shake as she unlocked the door. I took her hands, even though outside her house was freezing cold. Her hands were colder than the wind, and chapped. I rubbed them, wishing I still had my angelic warmth to give her. “Give me the key.” I said, and Serena handed it to me. I unlocked the door for her, but my hands shook from the cold, not from depression.
“We’ll win, Celestia. You can’t be with her all the time.” I could hear Procel’s rasping, weak voice. His breath smelled like rotting meat, and I could feel it, warm and sticky, travel down my neck. I shivered as I pushed Serena’s door open.
“What’s wrong, Serena?” I asked, as she closed the door behind her and stared at the carpet. It was fraying at the edges, but her house felt comforting. How many times had I watched her silently crying in her bedroom, letting a razor part her porcelain skin? How many times had I wrapped my wings around her, keeping her breathing, while she fought the demons in her mind? I could see it in her eyes, she was thinking about the razor by the side of her bed.
“Nothing.” She said, but I knew it was something. Her eyes were empty, not like they were when she spoke about music or poetry, or any of the shows she watched. No, they held nothing, barely even color, just the dull brandy that didn’t mean a thing. I knew that there was something wrong, but I couldn’t place a finger on it.
I knew that Serena wouldn’t tell me. As much of a friend as I was, I needed to confide in her first. Just like I had with Will, I realized. So as Serena went to go get some hot chocolate, I sat down on the couch and pulled off my shirt.
I lay on the couch, listening to her hum under her breath. It wasn’t really humming, I realized, but screaming quietly. The thought made me start, but I remembered that she listened to different music than I did. She was a different personality, rough and hard, where I was soft and fragile. But I knew that Serena was fragile too, under her thick skin. I heard Serena come into the room, and her gasp.
I heard liquid splash, and I realized Serena must have dropped the mugs of hot chocolate onto the carpet. “Celeste?” she breathed, her voice buried in the air escaping her lungs. I could hear her step closer to me, and her presence close to my own. I was face down in the couch, smelling the dust and fabric. “What happened?”
Her cold hands, so unlike Will’s, touched them. She was shaking, and I could feel the tiny scars on her fingertips from her hair straightener and curler through my skin. I tried to not balk at the temperature of her hands. Serena drew her hand back from the scars, and I could feel the tension and fear in the air.
“My dad. I’m not emancipated, Serena. I ran away. They won’t find me in a hotel so far from home. You were my first friend since it started.” The lie, or half- truth, tasted bitter on my tongue. Serena’s sigh burned like battery acid in the back of my throat. She felt betrayed, lied to, I could feel it in the way she was sitting. “The school thinks I’m a foster child. Please, don’t tell them.”
“I wouldn’t, Celeste.” Serena handed me my sweater, kind of covering my back with the soft fabric. “I have to clean up the hot chocolate.” She stood, but I could still feel like she no longer trusted me.
As Serena scrubbed the carpet, I pulled my shirt back on and twiddled my thumbs. I watched my thumbs rotate but never touch, and eventually stopped twiddling, and just stared at my thumbs. They sat still in the air, unable to move while I looked at them. They were pale and peach colored, with small lines connecting the fabric of my skin to the rest of it. I looked young and innocent, compared to Serena’s small burns and all of Will’s scars. My only mark of pain was the giant scars from where my wings had been.
I was starting to get used to the feeling of having nothing behind me, the feeling of not wrapping up in my wings but in a blanket. It was odd, not having anything to worry about other than my arms and legs. But then again, I found that even without my wings, I was still an observer in the world. I noticed the small things when normal people simply saw the big picture.
“So why are you sad, Serena?” I asked, when she sat down with two new mugs of hot chocolate. She tucked her knees to her chest, looking over her knees at me with her brandy eyes. They were laced with pain.
“I feel like…” she stopped, and I could almost see the gears turning in her mind. “Sometimes, I just get morbid. I wonder what it’s like to die, and even though I hate my life here, I don’t want it to end. I don’t want to never be able to see again, or never be able to smile or listen to music or run my fingers through my hair. When I’m dead, I won’t be able to do any of those things.” I could tell that she was spilling it all to me, every thought and word.
“I feel like if I die, I’ll just start over. And I won’t remember any of this, any of being Serena, any of my feelings. I’ll be someone different, and I won’t remember anything. I won’t be me anymore. Either that or it’ll be nothing, and it’ll be black for the rest of my eternity. But I wouldn’t want it to be one way or the other. I just don’t want to die, Celeste.”
Serena’s voice faded off into the stale air. Her gaze shifted to the Christmas tree behind me. Serena was no longer looking into my eyes, but instead at the glittering ornaments behind me. I never understood the custom as an angel. Decorating a tree for a holiday? It didn’t make sense. I rested my hand on her knee as she took a sip of her hot chocolate.
“Serena, I don’t know what it’s like to die. But you won’t die, not as long as I’m around.” I said, willing her to look at me. For just a moment, her brandy eyes looked into my own, and I saw all of the frosty pain dissolve. She sipped at her drink again, but I could tell that she was at least a little bit happier. Maybe I had stayed the demons for just a moment.
“You still can’t win, Celestia.” Jezebeth’s voice slipped down my neck. It tasted like rotten flesh and broken dreams. I sipped my cocoa to get rid of the nasty aftertaste she left in my mouth. Serena looked happy still though, so perhaps the demons were only visiting me. “She’s too weak. You’re too weak. We will win.”
***
The next afternoon, Serena drove me back to the hotel where I lived. “Can I see your room?” she asked, and I led the way. Now that the holidays had begun, there were a few families and couples staying down the hall. Every once and a while, I heard a little boy playing with his toy cars in the hall outside my room. I unlocked the door, and Serena stepped inside.
“Here it is.” I said, my voice ashamed. I don’t know why I was embarrassed to live in a hotel, but something about the arrangement felt wrong. I was carrying my Wal-Mart bags, and I set them near the closet.
“It’s nicer than I expected, but kind of boring.” Serena said, surveying the room. Her cognac eyes were sharp from a night full of sleep and no demons. I had somehow kept them at bay, even though I was now a mere mortal.
“Yeah.” She didn’t hate it. She didn’t pity me. Somehow, that made me relax.
“I should probably get home. Talk to you soon?” Serena had my hotel room phone number, and so did Will. They could both call me at any time, whenever they needed, all through break. I liked the fact that they might need me.
“Of course.” She hugged me, her hands stroking my covered scars. “Bye, Serena.” She waved as she left the hotel room, the door swinging shut behind her. I climbed into the shower, peeling off my sweater and jeans. I threw them onto the bathroom floor and turned the water as hot as I could get it. Serena had got me thinking. If I succeeded, would I remember Will and Serena? Would I die?
Maybe it would be better to let the demons win Serena’s battle. I would fail, and have Will. And I could remember Serena that way. But I also didn’t want to remember Serena, I wanted to be friends with her and watch her go to college and live. But I wanted to go to college with her, and be there for her.
Í could hear Agramon cackle as I let the boiling water cut at my skin. Even though the water was almost burning my skin, the terrifying laugh made my blood run cold.
“I knew we would win.” He said. I shivered.

 As the vacation turned into a week, my health turned into a cold that rattled my rib cage with every wheezing breath I took. Serena brought me some chicken noodle soup, and also called Will to tell him I was sick. One day, after the holiday had passed, both Will and Serena were sitting on the second bed in my hotel room. I was laying down, coughing and staring at the ceiling.
“You’ve been sick for a week. You should go to the doctor.” Serena said, but I shook my head. Going to a doctor would require an explanation for my scars, one which I was not inclined to give. Another coughing fit wracked my lungs, and I felt the back of my throat burn.
“At least take some cough syrup. School starts back up in a couple of days.” Will added, pointing to a cherry bottle that he had brought me the day before. It smelled sickening, like artificial cherry flavoring and hospitals. I refused to put the substance in my mouth. Whether it would stop the coughing, I didn’t know, but it would stop me from feeling even the slightest bit happy. The liquid was an unnatural sort of red, and just looking at it made me shudder.
During the school break, Serena and Will had become closer friends than I could have ever hoped. They both cared about me, and they had grown to care for each other as well. It was a skill I prided myself in, bringing the two of them together. Even if I managed to save Serena, which was looking harder while I was coughing my lungs out, they would have each other.
The demons had been visiting both Serena and Will less often since we had all become friends. I could see it in both of their eyes. My lungs were burning, but I was happy. I had no idea how humans could stand to get sick. Serena looked at Will, and a look of understanding passed between them. I felt out of the loop, but then Serena stood and I realized what was going on. A stab of cold fear hit my heart. They were going to make me drink the syrup that smelled like hospitals and cherries that had never existed.
I heard Serena open the bottle and pour the medicine into the cap. She came closer to my bed, and I furiously shook my head. “Come on, Celeste. It makes you stop coughing.” I realized this, but I wasn’t willing to let the syrup pass my lips. I tightened them, pressing my chapped lips against each other until they hurt.
“Celeste.” Will was speaking to me like I was a baby. “It sucks seeing you like this. Just take the medicine.” His words made me want to protest, but instead, I coughed. When the coughing stopped, Serena held my mouth open and poured the syrup in. It tasted worse than it smelled. The artificial cherry flavor coated my tongue, but the thick syrup seemed impossible to swallow.
“Swallow. Swallow or I will pour more in there.” Serena said, caring friend gone. In its place was a strong negotiator. I pinched my nose and swallowed. “Good.”
“That stuff is nasty.” I said. Will laughed.
“The grape is even worse.” The taste of his voice washed over my tongue, but the artificial cherry cut through even that. I laughed with them, as if I knew what they were talking about. It was late December, soon to be the New Year. Serena had already started to outline plans of a night of fun, just the three of us.
“My dad bought another gun.” Serena said quietly, and even though I knew that she wouldn’t like it, I wanted to hug her. Serena’s dad had a horrible gun habit, which only tempted her when the demons got bad. She knew the passcode to his safe, and could pull a gun on herself if she ever wanted. Another gun was just another temptation.
“I’m sorry, Serena.” I said with my barely there voice. Compared to Serena’s voice, or Will’s, mine was a rasping whisper of a silent breeze. The coughing had taken my voice away, and my ability to breathe. I coughed again, the taste of the cough syrup still on my tongue.
“I just have to stay away from them. Maybe my dad will change the passcode.” But I knew that he wouldn’t. From what I knew about Serena’s dad, he had a horrible memory. Thankfully, the guns were only used for hunting and decoration, but they still posed a threat whenever the demons showed up in Serena’s mind.
Will and Serena stayed for a while longer, until sleep started to settle over my bones. I was sleeping a lot more now that I was sick. But however much time I spent asleep, it didn’t stop me from coughing the moment I woke up. Serena hugged me on her way out, and left Will and I alone.
“Hey, I need to tell you something.” I interrupted him with a coughing fit that made my chest burn. “Celeste, I like you. A lot. Maybe when you’re better we could go to a movie?” I had never been to a movie, but Will didn’t know that. He thought I was a normal girl with a terrible past that had left me physically scarred. He didn’t know that I had barely been on Earth for a little less than four months.
“I would really like that, Will.” He smiled, a perfect kind of smile that made me feel warm on the inside, and leaned over. For a moment, I thought that his lips would brush my own, but he instead kissed my forehead. I could feel my cheeks blushing furiously crimson, so thankfully Will left quickly.
***
Two days before school started again, my cough had dissipated like steam on a warm summer day. Thinking of summer, the warm air was exactly what I wanted. Though I had come to Earth in the fall, I could imagine the feeling of the steaming sun on my skin. And that was all that I could think about. I needed it warm, and soon.
The winter had started to get to Serena too. Depression always got worse in the winter for her, and for some reason, this season hers was worse than ever. But when she and Will had become friends, I had once again vowed to save her. The demons could try to kill her all they wanted, but I would save her. I was back to the start, with new friends and a stronger motivation. I would save Serena Bell, and I would be an angel again.
Tonight was the party Serena had been planning. I was getting ready, brushing my hair and getting my things ready. I was bringing a few things, such as my music and an extra set of clothes. Serena’s parents were going to be in town for once, but they would be spending the night at a hotel. I was excited. It was Monday now, and we went back to school on Wednesday. The date Will had asked me on would be this Friday, since my terrible cold was gone.
Saving Serena was taking me longer than I thought that it would. Some days, she acted like she wanted to be saved, but other days she ignored my efforts completely. It wasn’t annoying, but confusing and terrifying. What if she ignored me the day it truly mattered? There was no possible way that I could save her then. It wouldn’t be possible. But maybe if I had Will, we could save her together.
When I first came to Earth, all I wanted was to be back up in the clouds. But now, even with the chill in the wintery air, I almost didn’t want to be an angel again. Of course I wanted my wings back, but I loved Serena, and I was learning to love Will. I liked learning, and I liked the way snow looked on the bare trees. I wanted to feel summer, to go swimming and smell the chlorine from the swimming pools I had seen.
If I became an angel again, I would never experience summer. I would never find love or feel the warm sun on my skin. I would be back in the clouds, back where I was comfortable, but I would be without Serena. And without Will. Could I handle being alone again? Would I remember this time? These grey, cloudy days so full of joy and slushing snow beneath my boots. Would I remember the feel of the bitter wind on my skin? As a human, I could remember what it was like to be an angel. Would it be the same if I was an angel once again?
Serena didn’t expect me to leave her. What if I saved her and left – would it destroy her? I knew that it would hurt her if I left, but what would become of her then? Would I still be her Guardian? Suddenly, keeping Serena alive seemed so odd. She wanted to die – why wasn’t I letting her? It didn’t seem fair, wanting to keep her here when she no longer wanted what I now had. My wings could stop these thoughts instantly, but they no longer existed.
It was terrifying, knowing that at any moment Serena could be saved. I would leave Earth, go back to the clouds. Regaining my wings seemed like a temptation too great to pass up. This would be a hard decision, not to mention the fact that I was falling for Will. There was a sweet sorrow in knowing that I would leave, because I would leave the things I loved the most, but I would regain the thing that I wanted more than the air I breathed. My wings were the one thing that could comfort me in the clouds, when I slipped and thought of how alone I truly was.
There was a knock at my hotel room door. This was it, ready to go to Serena’s house. Would I save her tonight? Or would this night be just the same as any other, just a sleepover with friends. With Serena, I never could truly tell. Her mind was as much of a tornado as my own. But her thoughts could kill, I knew that from experience. A terrible thing, to lose a life like Serena’s. She practically glowed when she was happy, and when she was sad, she seemed high of the pain. But I knew that she could do great things, if only she tried.
“Celeste?” Serena asked, and for a moment, it didn’t register that she was talking to me. But I snapped out of my daze, picking up the bag full of extra clothing.
“I’ll be right out!” I said, and turned off the lights in the hotel room. This place, barely lived in and beige, had become my home on Earth. If I saved Serena, I don’t know if I could bear to leave this place. It seemed like such a feat, just to save a life.
I opened the door, surprised Serena. She was rubbing the scars on her wrist, but I didn’t see a new one. But I also knew all of Serena’s tricks to hiding the scars. So I knew that the demons could have come earlier. If only I had been there to help.
“Ready?” she asked, but her voice seemed flat. Tonight may be the day I would save her, but I couldn’t tell for sure. The anticipation was killing me. What would I do if she pulled a gun on herself? Jump in front of the trigger? Catch the bullet? Pull it away? Or would I let her fire and kill herself, just so I could stay with Will? That boy had been nothing but a distraction since he had shown up, but it was a good distraction.
“Of course!” I giggled, but it was a fake laugh. I was trying to hide my worry. It wasn’t working very well. I could hear the worry seeping through my voice, and I was hoping upon all hopes that Serena hadn’t heard. Will was meeting us at Serena’s house.
As the door shut behind me, I couldn’t help but feel a morbid sense of finality. Something was going to end tonight, but I wasn’t sure what it was. Either way, let the sleepover begin.

 Will was waiting on Serena’s front step when we pulled up in Serena’s driveway. He waved, but he looked like he was freezing. I waved back as Serena killed the engine. A smile came to Will’s lips. If I saved Serena, would I ever hear Will’s honey voice again? Would I care once I had my wings back? This wasn’t things normal people thought of, but my mind was dominated by the constant pull of my wings.
“She’s going to die, Celestia.” Agramon’s cruel voice slid down my neck, his breath warm on my cold skin. “And there is nothing you can do to stop it.” He cackled, and my skin crawled. This demon, the demon of pure terror, had stolen my wings. His mere touch burnt them to a crisp. And now, I was without my most prized possession. My favorite part of being an angel had been my wings. And because of Agramon, I no longer had those wings. It didn’t seem fair.
“Nothing, you weak human. You couldn’t even keep your wings. How are you going to keep her alive?” it was Jezebeth’s voice, sweet as rotten meat. I could taste the rot on my tongue, but this time, I heard no lie in her demonic drawl. She was telling the truth.
“Trust us, Celestia. We will win.” Procel’s voice was rusty and rash, a growl on the wind. I wanted them gone, but they wouldn’t leave. Something was keeping them bound to me and I wondered for the first time – why?
I was of no importance. My mission was to save Serena Bell and return to the clouds. Why did the demons plague me so, then? I had kept to myself here on Earth, and they had no reason to chase me. Was it all simply a game in their dark, twisted minds? It wouldn’t surprise me if they were simply toying with me. I was a puppet in their game, and so was Serena.
“You cannot escape the thing you fear most, Celestia. You can try, but I will find you.” Agramon’s raspy voice was giving me the chills. Serena was carrying my bag, somehow I had missed her leaving the car. I watched as she unlocked the front door, and then slid out of the car. Jezebeth and Procel were cackling at me as I made my way inside.
The house was much warmer than the car outside, and I was grateful to take off my thick winter coat. It almost seemed unreal that it was a new year, and that we would be going back to school. I had only been on Earth for a few months, but I felt like I had already lived so much. I couldn’t dare imagine living to an old age, like Serena’s grandmother. Seventeen seemed good enough for me.
We all took off our jackets and hung them on hooks near Serena’s door. I took mine off last, still trying to shake the feeling of Agramon’s breath down my back. I needed to be happy, or at least focused right now, not worried about a demon who could not touch me unless I was celestial. And hidden from Serena or Will, I pinched the skin on my leg. No, I was still human, still fully there. Nothing could touch me, not while I was still human.
Agramon’s breath faded away, as did the echoes of their cackles. But the emptiness they instilled in me remained as Serena made hot chocolate. I watched her make it this time, the warm milk in a small pot on the stovetop. This was something I wanted to remember if I saved her. I wanted to remember the way Serena made hot chocolate, and I wanted to remember the taste of the warm chocolate milk.
Will and I found some mugs, and we pulled them all down from the cupboards. Serena filled them with the hot chocolate, and then we went to the living room. Serena put in a movie that Will had brought, and I instantly knew that tonight would not be a night that would end well. It was a horror movie, and I tightened my grip on the hot chocolate. It wasn’t even starting and I was terrified.
“You see, I will win, Celestia. It is written in the stars you’re named after.” Agramon says, and the movie begins. The night of fear was just beginning.
***
Halfway through the movie, I simply stood up and walked into Serena’s bedroom. It was a silent escape from the screaming horror of the movie they were watching. It was terrifying, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. Serena and Will had barely noticed that I left, too engrossed in the movie to care whether I was there. I was glad that they were bonding, but I suddenly felt left out.
These people I had made my friends had found refuge in each other, and I was left staring at a lump under the blankets on Serena’s bed. I looked closer at the oddly shaped lump, hidden just beneath the top of the blanket. What could that be? I lifted up the blanket to find a small black gun.
I shied away from the bed, leaving the gun uncovered. Was Serena planning to kill herself? Her eyes had seemed empty when I met her, but with Will and me, I thought that I had started to fix her. I thought I started to save her, but this proved me wrong. Serena wasn’t anywhere close to being saved.
A scream exploded from the television in the next room, and it felt like I had become the horror movie character. I hadn’t done my job. Serena was going to die unless I kept my eye on her all the time, and I would have to either be with her or human forever, without Serena. This was the worst time to find this.
I sat on the floor, staring at the bed where I could picture Serena asleep. This wasn’t how I expected this to go at all. Serena’s last attempt had been with pills, booze, and a razor. Was she afraid to fail again? I couldn’t handle losing Serena, even if I had Will. This couldn’t be. I had to find a way to stop Serena before I lost the girl I loved.
The movie ended, and Serena came in her room, obviously looking for me. I sat as still as possible, hoping she wouldn’t notice me in the shadows. She looked at her bed and saw the gun, uncovered and gleaming in the muted grey light. Carefully, her fingers caressed the cold barrel of the gun. Then her brandy eyes fell on me.
Her eyes were full of deep sadness; something that I realized had been hiding there for a long time. I just had never realized it, so focused on the way that I needed to save her. Some days, I had seen the sadness and realized that she needed help. But my presence had never been enough. Serena was still slowly dying inside, and I hadn’t helped, not even a bit.
“Celeste? What did you see?” Serena’s voice was quiet and quavering, a hollow whisper in the muted sound of the room. I could hear Will outside, taking out the movie and putting it away.
“Enough.” I responded, and Serena crumpled. This was not how I expected this to go, not at all.

 “What are you two doing?” Will asked, his head sticking through the small opening Serena had left in the door. He glanced at the bed, and blanched when he saw the gun. “Serena?”
“I thought we’d play a game.” She said, and Will’s eyes filled with questions. I had questions of my own, but I played along. Serena sat down next to me, the gun resting heavily in her hand. “Russian Roulette.”
“How do you play?” I asked, innocence trembling in my timid voice. This wasn’t a game I wanted to be a part of. Serena placed the gun between the three of us as Will sat down. His eyes showed the same fear that I was feeling in my heart. If only I had my wings, I could hide and make this night happy again. But nothing could fix this, not now.
“You spin the gun. The gun points to you, you die.” Serena said, monotone. Will looked like his adrenaline was kicking in, a spark igniting behind his gunmetal eyes. They were the same shade as the weapon on the ground, just within my reach. I wanted to touch the metal, the comforting cold that would terrify me into believing that it was real. No way was someone going to die. “Want to play?”
“I guess.” I said meekly as Will nodded. Was he suicidal too? Or was the thrill of the game taking over his mind? As my Guarded, he had always been one to toe the line of death, but never this extreme. Taking too many pills or having one too many drinks at a party. Never this threatening, terrifying. I could feel Agramon’s fingers stroking at my spine. How could I stop this?
“Darling, you can’t.” Jezebeth rasped into my ear. Serena turned on the lamp, and the game began. She spun first, but the gun refused to point to anyone. It pointed instead to the bed, and I breathed a silent sigh of relief. No one was dead yet. Maybe this was all a joke.
Serena spun again, and the gun pointed to the wall directly behind me. Now the adrenaline was kicking in, telling me that it was okay. I shouldn’t be afraid of this piece of metal. It couldn’t hurt me. If only I could shut down my adrenaline, because I knew that the gun could kill me with a single bullet. Or Serena, or Will.
Now Will spun, his gunmetal eyes gleaming with excitement. I didn’t understand how this could excite someone, when all it was doing was terrifying me. The gun didn’t point to anything again. Anger passed Serena’s face for a moment, and I wondered if it was because it hadn’t landed on her. I hoped that the reason was simply because a cold draft had swept through the room.
Will spun a second time, and it landed dangerously close to his own hand. But it still pointed behind us, not at any singular person. This was a terrifying game. I thought of a lyric I had seen Serena writing on her notebooks – “Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?” It seemed that was the case with me. Will and Serena were both running on pure adrenaline now. It was almost midnight.
Now it was my turn to spin the gun. I reached for the metal with a shaking hand, the cold metal feeing like it was fusing to my hand. I spun, hoping with every ounce of my being that it wouldn’t land on anyone. Thankfully, it pointed towards the bed once again. Serena looked furious, but Will looked relieved. Maybe his adrenaline was wearing off.
I took the gun again, spinning it. The sound of the metal against the carpet ground unbearable tension into my ears. I couldn’t look at where it landed, but I heard Will sigh with obvious relief. It was pointing towards the lamp. Serena seemed exasperated. Was she expecting us to kill her tonight? Could the great Serena Bell not handle taking her own life?
Serena’s turn. It pointed towards the bedside table. Serena spun again, more and more furious every time it missed her. It pointed dangerously close to me, pointing by only a few centimeters at the corner to my left. I sighed. Will shakily put his hand on the gun. His first spin pointed again towards me, but slightly to the right. He spun again, and I squeezed my eyes shut.
The grinding sound of the gun against the carpet stopped. I felt Serena relax next to me. I looked at the gun, its gleaming dark grey shining against the faded tan carpet. The barrel was pointing directly at Serena. Will seemed to know the rules, because he paled and at her nod, picked up the gun.
“Its okay, Will. I want to die.” She whispered, more to herself than Will. I couldn’t breathe as he squeezed his eyes shut. I could hear the metal of the gun slowly moving, grinding the taste of metal and fear into my teeth. I heard the click of the trigger, and time seemed to slow to a stop.
I could see the bronze bullet, gleaming against the muted light of the bedroom. It was headed straight for Serena’s heart. Terror was flashing in Will’s gunmetal grey eyes. Beautiful eyes, I realized. Serena’s own brandy eyes were closed. I dove in front of her, covering Serena’s chest with my own.
Time returned to its normal speed, and I felt the bullet collide with my chest. It tore at tissue and muscles, and a burning pain radiated out from the wound. It filled every vein in my body. I wanted to scream, but the pain was blinding me from seeing where I was. I heard Will drop the gun.
“Celeste!” Pain laced Serena’s voice, but it wasn’t the pain of surviving. Serena’s voice held the pain of someone who had just lost a friend, and in that one word, I knew that I was going to die. Would I remember this? This intense pain that was filling every inch of me was killing me. I couldn’t get enough breath into my lungs.
“Oh God, oh God, oh God…” Will muttered, and I felt his shaking hands on my face. I opened my eyes, looking into his gunmetal grey eyes. “We never even got our date.”
“That’s okay, Will. You’ll find someone else.” It hurt to talk, worse than when Agramon had caressed my wings, worse than the night Serena attempted suicide. I was losing Will, and losing Serena. Will might be arrested, he had killed me. Maybe if Serena just explained… “Explain.” I whispered, the pain making my voice empty.
“Explain what?” Serena asked, but her voice was distant. It was still laced with pain, and hollow. The hollowest whisper I had ever heard, and it was barely there to my ears. As much as I wanted to respond, I found it impossible. The pain coursing through my veins seemed too much to bear. I closed my eyes.
The pain intensified, and a brilliant light glowed from behind my eyes. As suddenly as it had all begun, the pain disappeared.

 I opened my eyes. The pain in my chest was gone, but I could see the bullet wound when I looked down. Dried blood was all over my soft sweater, so out of place in the soft fabric. I was cold, but warm at the same time. The wind was going around my body, so cold underneath the January sky.
“Where am I?” I shouted into the grey fog surrounding me. I was outside of Serena’s house, and I could hear the sirens in the distance. Had someone already called the hospital? I couldn’t be dead very long, not when I had been shot just a moment ago. Would Will be crying? He had shot me, but he didn’t truly have a choice. I hoped Serena would explain, I hoped that my final word had saved him from his fate. He had already been in a mental institution because of me, what if he was in a prison because of me?
If this was death, I wasn’t disappointed. It wasn’t the same as the clouds, not even close, but I could remember Serena. I remembered the color of Will’s gunmetal grey eyes, so like the weapon he shot me with. I could remember the taste of his honey voice and the sound of Serena’s tinkling laugh. But maybe I wasn’t really dead yet. Could this be Purgatory?
But as suddenly as I had awoken, I was back in the hotel room. I watched myself sit up and look around at the beige hotel room I had come to call home. I was so innocent, so confused. I watched as I felt for my wings, and then saw the pain flash in my pale blue eyes when I remembered that they were no longer there. Was I reliving all of my life on Earth? Was this a near- death experience or was I truly dead?
I pinched myself as the scene changed to the school, and the fear that held me my first day. I could feel the terror coursing through my veins once more, but the pinch didn’t do a thing to my arm. Maybe I was truly dead. As I watched myself walk around the halls, I felt my wound.
The scary thing about not feeling any pain was that I could stick my finger inside of the bullet’s path. I could feel the edges of the wound, the thick blood that was slowly drying out. The inside of my chest was squishy and wet, but once I started feeling for the bullet, I couldn’t stop. I finally reached the cold, bronze metal of the bullet. As my memories of the first day of school played out in front of me, I pulled out the bullet.
There was a sucking sound as I pulled the bullet from my chest, but finally I was holding the metal in my hand. It was covered in crimson blood, which tasted like metal to me. It made me sick to look at the blood, so I wrapped my hand around the bullet and looked back at my memories.
Serena was guiding me to English, and we were talking. And then, I skipped ahead to the first time I went over to her house, and then I was meeting Will. My short five months on Earth was seeming to fly by once again.
Then I was watching Will and I watch television in my hotel room, after showing him my wing scars. I died with my secret intact, but could I step into my memories? Just to touch Will or Serena, one last time. I didn’t know why I had kept my secret, and I didn’t know if I would remember them after this was over. My life was playing for me, and then what? If I could just talk to them, one last time, or hear their voices.
I tried to touch Will’s face as he looked at the girl in my memory. The living Celeste, the one without a bloody hole in her chest. She looked so content, so sleepy in the comfortable environment. This was how it was supposed to play out. I was supposed to make Serena and Will happy, but I had looked past what I was supposed to do, and just looked at what I wanted.
I had wanted to find love, to keep Serena and Will with me. But I knew all along that my goals didn’t matter. I should have focused on reading Serena, on saving her, not on petty happiness of my own. I was always supposed to end up dead, and let Serena live. No interference, just saving her. Where did it all go so wrong?
I watched the memories play, my hand gripping the slippery bullet. All too soon, we were sitting in Serena’s bedroom, right after I had found the gun. Just earlier tonight. All the anticipation came back, the fear because of what the gun meant. Had I saved Serena by dying? Technically, I had, but would she stay alive?
I watched as Serena walked into her room, a look of pure terror on her face. How had I missed the taste of Agramon’s stinking breath, the smell of his terrifying sweat? Serena had been afraid of the game, just as terrified as I had been. But she hadn’t shown it in her faded brandy eyes. I had missed all the signs Serena had given me, but I didn’t know how I had. They were so obvious in retrospect, so easily spotted by anyone who had eyes. But I had missed them.
Will was spinning the gun on his turn right before it landed on Serena. Now I could see the terror in each of our eyes, and I knew that the adrenaline was fueled by pure fear. None of us had truly wanted to die, not in the last moments of the metal spinning against the carpet. The sound hadn’t just been filling my ears, we had all heard it.
I watched Will’s hands shake as he picked up the gun. My breath, which I realized was irrelevant, was caught in my throat. I was about to watch myself die. I watched my eyes shift from the gun to Will, and I watched his finger squeeze the trigger. I saw myself dive in front of the gun, my heart aligning right over Serena’s. The bullet sped from the gun, straight at me. I squeezed it as it entered my chest. The pain exploded in me all over again, but this time, I watched as they caught me.
I was talking, hoping Serena would explain what had happened. And my eyes closed, my memories over. But I watched as Will shakily put down the gun, listening to the sirens coming towards them. Serena was crying, her shoulders shaking with sheer pain. I felt unbearably guilty for leaving them, as if I had shot myself. The paramedics arrived, picking up my limp body and putting it on a stretcher.
I saw them take Will in a police car, and Serena traveled with my body. There were still tears streaming from her brandy eyes, which were now broken with pain. I could barely bear to look at them. Serena was telling the paramedic what had happened, but I noticed that they were doing nothing to try and save me. As another tear streaked from Serena’s eye, I had to look away.
The grey fog surrounding me covered the memories, drowning out the sound of Serena’s uncontrollable pain. I was slightly thankful, because my heart was clenching at the idea of her being in pain. Honestly, now all of the sounds were muffled, almost nonexistent. I couldn’t really see very far in front of my face, and everything was a deep, soupy dark grey.
I opened my palm, which was now slick with my own dark crimson blood. The bullet looked to be nearly wiped clean, but my hand was painted red. The sight made me sick, my heart clenching at the thought that I was no longer with Serena and Will. I had never thought that it would come to this, not after all of this time. Despite my best efforts, I don’t think I had truly saved Serena.
The fog wrapped around me, making the bullet slip between my slick fingers. I could only see the grey in front of me and around me. The little sound I had heard was gone, and absolute silence surrounded me. It was slightly unnerving, being blind and deaf to everything around me. What was going on?
A raspy scream pierced through the grey silence surrounding me. I recognized the pure terror, the sound of the immense pain ripping through the vocal chords. It was Agramon, hopefully in as much pain as when he burned my wings. He was screaming, and I realized that I had won. My mission was complete. I had saved Serena Bell.
As the scream faded, the grey fog surrounded me completely. One thought remained in my mind though. Serena Bell was safe. I had saved her, even though I was immensely distracted by Will and my own goals. But I had completed my mission. The grey fog invaded my mind, taking away every thought.
Suddenly, my memories were kind of fuzzy around the edges. I could vaguely remember being afraid, or being happy. I could sort of remember the music I liked, and I could kind of remember the taste of Will’s voice. I could barely remember the color of Serena’s eyes. But I could remember one thing, and one thing stayed clear even as the grey fog took over my mind.
Serena Bell had been saved.

 My eyes were burning with a brilliant bright light. It cut through the thick grey fog, leaving me in the white light surrounding me. I had no thoughts in my mind, it was beautifully empty as my wings brushed my cheeks. When did my wings appear? Their soft white feathers were light and airy against my cheek.
A lovely angel, with bright green eyes, noticed my confused look. “I’m Gabriella. Nice to meet you, Celeste.” Somehow, though I couldn’t remember if that was my name or not, the name felt right. Celeste made me feel like maybe I belonged somewhere, and it had an air of celestial meaning, too.
I smiled up at Gabriella, because she was very tall. Her green eyes sparkled with pride. “You need to see something.” She said. Her voice tasted like peppermint, comforting but sharp. I wondered why I could taste her voice when I was hearing it as well. Maybe it was something new? I couldn’t remember anything at all, just waking up in this bright white place.
Gabriella led me to another room, slightly dimmer than the last. The floor seemed to simply end, and I could see now that the rooms were made of snow colored clouds. They were a brilliant white, and tasted like almost nothing, like water. Their color was almost too bright to look at. At the edge of the clouds, I could see something down and outwards, like I was watching an overhead view of another person’s life.
“That is Earth, Celeste. You’re watching a funeral. It means that someone has died.” As Gabriella’s peppermint voice settled on my tongue, I wondered who had died. It seemed odd for me to watch someone’s funeral, if I hadn’t known them. There was a wooden box, the color of deep chocolate, near the front of the room.
The casket was closed, almost black, and there were two teenagers crying near it. I wondered who they were. One had short, spiky dark hair, a teenage boy. The girl had long dark hair and pale skin. The girl looked upwards, and I saw that her eyes were brandy. Those brandy eyes were broken with unbearable pain. A sharp stab of pain ran through my heart, and I looked away from her eyes.
“Who is that?” my voice sounded strange to my ears, too shy and innocent. Gabriella smiled, a twinge of sadness in her eyes. Did she know the girl?
“Just watch, Celeste.” She said, and so I did. The people in the room, including the two friends, sat down. A man stood at the front of the room and started to speak about the girl. I couldn’t really hear what they were saying, but it sounded that the girl had been shot by the snippets of the speech that I could hear.
The girl stood then, and I could see that she had been crying. This time, I could hear exactly what she was saying. It was as if her voice was amplified and channeled directly into my ears. Her voice tasted like vodka, an acrid taste that burned my throat as it went down. As I concentrated on the taste of her voice, I missed the first part of her speech.
“… Was my best friend. I would have taken a bullet for her, and eventually, she took one for me. I miss her with all of my heart. She was an innocent girl, she didn’t deserve to die. But I know that no matter what, I will remember her forever.” For some reason, her voice was thick with sadness and guilt. I swallowed, but the guilt stuck to my tongue.
Next the boy stood. He didn’t mention the dead girl’s name. It seemed almost impossible to talk about her. “I loved this girl. And before she died, I think she was falling in love with me, too. People have said that I’ll move on, but I don’t think that I will. Not truly, not even when I get to college.” The boy’s voice choked out, leaving the taste of honey in my mouth. His eyes were the color of gunmetal.
The boy sat down, unable to speak anymore. The two friends held each other, their shoulders shaking with tears. The man stood up again and spoke, but I didn’t pay attention. Then some music played, distantly coming to my ears. It was a simple melody, but it brought prickling tears to my eyes.
There were no words to the song, just simple violin music. There was a piano part in the background, and judging by the reactions of the two friends, they had chosen the music from the dead girl’s own collection. It was a beautifully tragic piece of music, much like this girl’s life from what I could tell.
As the song reached its climax, I looked around the small room. It wasn’t very full, only some people who looked terribly overworked and some older people who looked strict. The only two that looked overly distressed at this girl’s death were the two teenage friends. They were sobbing. I noticed a few of the overworked people had a tear in their eye, but they weren’t sobbing.
Had this girl mattered? Or had she only touched two lives deeply? It seemed like so few, but they were so touched by her death. Was there something wrong with this girl? My mind was turning into a tornado of burning questions, setting fire to my mind. I couldn’t stop the endless chain of them, unending in their whispers. Who was this girl?
The funeral dispersed after the final note of the song. I watched as people left, the melody of the song now embedded into my mind. Gabriella touched my shoulder with a light hand, pulling my eyes away from the funeral. I looked into her green eyes, sparkling with a completely different kind of music. I tasted happiness, cinnamon and chocolate. She had a touch as light as a feather, her skin pale peach, the same shade as mine.
“Okay. You’ve seen all I have to show. Let me show you to your quarters.” Gabriella led me to a small cloud room that had a bed and a squishy cloud chair. “Here you are, Celeste.” She motioned around the bright white room. I had a nice view of Earth, and I could see a beautiful mountain from my bed. The chair showed me a view of the ocean breaking against the beach.
“Thank you, Gabriella.” I said, my voice silvery with joy. This whole room was beautiful, and comfortable. My eyes were already adjusting to the whiteness, making it softer and easier to look at. The bed looked comfortable and soft, and the chair seemed to be simple perfection.
“Of course.” She turned, about to walk out of the room and leave me to my quarters. But before she could leave completely, she turned back to me. Her hand motioned to the window, and a view of a room. I could see the girl from the funeral inside. “Welcome to the clouds, Celeste.”
As I watched, the girl picked up a gun, the metal glinting in the faded light of her room. The gun looked heavy in her thin, pale hand. She started to sing quietly to herself, a song that struck my heart. Once again, her voice seemed to come straight to my ears. The melody seemed insanely familiar, very close to my heart.
“Sit still and listen to the soundtrack, I’ll tell you how I took one straight through the heart. And it’s not easy to talk about, don’t talk about it. So we all sing whoa, whoa, whoa. When she smiles, well it’s got nothing to do with me. I’m not the one who sings her to sleep…” the girl’s voice was perfection, and I felt myself lull into the melancholy melody. The clouds seemed wonderful as I listen to her sing.
The humming seemed to give her an idea. She stopped singing, set down the gun, and pulled a pen and a piece of paper from her bedside table. She sang through the song as she transcribed the lyrics, and titled the paper ‘Oh Well, Oh Well’. The name seemed terribly familiar, but all the while, I just watched her write. At the end of the page, she wrote something else, but I was too far away to read it.
The girl folded the note and tucked it into the pocket of her jeans. Then, with a heavy hand, I watched her pick up the steel grey once again. What was I about see? I tried to change the scene like Gabriella had, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything else.
As I watched, transfixed in horror, the girl turned the gun on herself. I could imagine the song she had been singing only moments earlier. For some reason, I didn’t want this girl to die. I felt connected to this human. I wrapped my wings around myself, peeking through the snowy feathers at the scene unfolding before me.
A gunshot rang out through the air, sending a shiver through my spine. The girl lay motionless, crimson staining her chest. The melody still played through my mind, interrupted only by the ringing of my ears.
Despite the horror of what I had just seen, a wave of exhaustion swept over me. This girl was not my responsibility. I didn’t even know her name. I lay down on the cloudy bed, and fell asleep almost immediately, the gunshot still ringing in my mind.