The night was cold and crying soft rain drops. The thunder was hungry and the lightning was violent. The dash on the passenger side was stacked with papers, files, and books. Dusty, and a slight stench of mold. The radio was broken, so all I could hear was the pitter patter of the rain hitting the car roof. My knees were pulled to my chest and my head rested against the cold window. I opened the car door and set my feet on the muddy gravel. I untied my boots and tossed them into the back seat. The water seeped into my socks, which were now stained brown from the mud. I got out of the car, threw my keys onto the seat, and slammed the door. The car lights faded away and I was left alone in the darkness. I took a deep breath and allowed the rain to drip down my cheeks. 

“I love the rain.” I thought to myself. 

I walked over to the dock and looked out on the lake. It looked so peaceful. I sat down on the edge of the dock and slowly slipped into the water. It was freezing, but I kind of liked it. I emptied my lungs and felt myself start to sink lower and lower until I couldn't see the light of the surface anymore. 

I didn’t stay under for too long. Just long enough to feel the panic start to flood my body. I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to feel something. I was desperate to feel something, anything. I had tried many things to get myself to feel. I watched sad movies, I listened to Taylor Swift, I even spoke at my Grandpa’s funeral. Still, nothing arose inside me. Eventually, I learned that the only thing I could really feel was physical pain. 

I wasn’t always like this. When I was little, I would cry when I saw roadkill, or when my mother was upset with me, or when I couldn't get something from the ice cream truck. I think I cried about nearly everything that wasn’t puppies and rainbows. Part of me thinks i felt too many emotions when i was younger, and now i don’t have any left to feel. Or maybe I've just stored them somewhere deep inside, saving them for later. Maybe a time will come when I need them so badly that I'll just let go, and feel again. For now though, I'll stick to the adrenaline rushes, the near death experiences, and the physical pain. 

I popped my head out of the water and gasped for air. This was something I did fairly regularly. Anytime I felt particularly dull, I would drive to the lake, and almost drown. But I never planned on actually drowning. I swam back to the dock and lifted myself out of the water. 

“You were under there for a long time.” A voice said from behind me. I whipped my head around and saw a tall figure walking closer. I squinted my eyes in hopes to see who was approaching me.

“And you’re fully clothed.” He said.

I waited until he was close enough to identify. “Can I help you?” I asked sternly.

“I’m just wondering what you’re doing. It’s eleven at night and you jumped into the lake with all your clothes on. You must be crazy.” He chuckled. 

“Who are you?” I scoffed. 

He walked closer and sat down next to me. “What if I was a serial killer? Aren’t you scared to be alone here at night?”

I looked him up and down. “You’re not a serial killer. And I'm not scared of much.”

“Clearly.” He smiled. “I could never swim alone at night. I’m kind of a scaredy cat.”

“What are you doing here so late then?” I asked.

He looked out at the lake and pointed to a dull light on the other side. “That’s my aunt's house, I'm staying here for the summer.”

“I didn’t realize anyone lived there.” I looked at him. “Especially a young person.”

He laughed to himself. “So what’s your name?” 

I looked at him for a second, then looked back at the lake.

“Alright, you don’t have to tell me.” There was a short silence. “At least tell me a fake name. Something tells me this won’t be the last time i see you.”

“Mouse.” I said.

“Hi mouse, I’m Bird.” He stuck his hand out. I waited for a second, then shook it. 

“Birds hunt mice.” I held on to his hand. He laughed and then stood up, taking me with him. 

“You’ve got to be cold. Is that your car up there?” He let go of my hand. I didn’t say anything. I just began to walk to the gravel parking lot. I grabbed a towel from my back seat and wrapped it around my shoulders.

“Goodnight Bird.” I said before I shut my door and started the engine. He waved back at me. 

I drove home in silence. The radio was still broken and the rain had stopped. “What a weirdo.” I thought. I slowly opened my front door and tiptoed to my bathroom. I started the shower and changed out of my soaking wet clothes. The water was hot, but it was never quite hot enough. I couldn’t help but think of the exchange I had earlier. It didn’t make me feel any type of way, it was just different. I liked that he didn’t know my real name. And I liked that I didn't know his. 

The sun peeked through my curtains and I heard the soft tune of my alarm buzzing on my night table. A soft tapping on my bedroom door.

“I’m up.” I shouted groggily. I inhaled deeply, then threw my covers off. I reached my hand for my phone and turned off my alarm. I stumbled to my bathroom and leaned on the sink, staring into my reflection. My hair was still damp from my shower last night. I bent over and gathered the dirty towels from the floor. 

“Do you have any towels?” I knocked on my sister's door.

“No.” She yelled. 

I shuffled to the washing machine and threw the towels in, we were out of laundry detergent so i started the cycle without any. The house was filled with the smell of fresh bacon, and it was clouded with a light layer of smoke. I went back to my room and changed into some new clothes for the day. 

“I’m going to the store. Do you need anything?” I asked my mom, who was frying pancakes in the kitchen. 

“Um,” She stumbled for words. “We need uh, laundry soap.” She said over her shoulder.

“Yeah I got that.” I grabbed my keys from the counter.

“And Milk please. I’m using the last of it this morning.”

“Got it.” I stepped outside and shut the door behind me. I looked up at the sun, I focused my eyes there until my vision had disappeared. I looked down and couldn’t see anything for a few seconds. When the brightness started to go away, I walked to my car and got inside. It was hot and stuffy. I waited for a minute, then rolled down the window for some fresh air. By the time I had arrived at the grocery store, the sun was high in the sky. Its rays beaming down on the people walking full carts to their cars. I always liked coming here. It was busy, but no one was worried about what anyone else was doing. I grabbed a basket and started tossing a few things in, here and there. 

“Butter, yogurt, milk.” I said to myself. 

“Mice don’t eat dairy.” I turned around to see the boy from last night. He smiled. He looked like a different person in the daylight. He looked soft. His eyes were big and beady. I was surprised to see him, but in a good way. 

“Are you stalking me?” I continued shopping for my items. 

“Glad to see you got home okay.” He said. “I was a little worried.”

“You were worrying about me? You’re getting ahead of yourself, Bird.” 

He laughed. “Can i help you carry that milk?” He reached for the jug, but I pulled it closer to me.

“I’ll manage.” I said as I walked away. 

He ran to catch up with me. “Okay, if you won’t let me help you, then you can help me.” He grabbed a candy bar from a shelf and tossed it into my basket. 

I handed him the carton of milk. “Fine. I’ll buy you sugar wrapped in plastic if you carry the milk.” I smirked. 

“Deal.” He set the milk onto the conveyor belt and helped me load all my items up. 

“$34.26 is your total.” The cashier chewed her gum loudly. “You’re new.” She said to Bird. “Who’s this?” She asked me.

“This is Bird. He’s staying with me for the summer.” I grabbed my bags and walked away before she could say anything to reveal my identity. “Get the milk, Bird.” 

He looked at the cashier then took the milk and followed me out of the store

“Why’d you say i was staying with you?” He asked.

“Because if she knew you were staying with your aunt, she’d want to know who your aunt is. And I like not anything about you. I want to keep it that way.” I shot him a sarcastic smile. 

“I like not knowing anything about you either, Mouse.” He opened my car door and put the milk in the back,  then hopped in the passenger seat, and buckled himself up. 

“Excuse me?” I put my hands on my hips.

“Just get in the car.” He motioned me in.

I let out a deep breath, rolled my eyes, and then climbed in.

He got this excited look on his face, and sat up real straight. “So, where to next?” 

We spent the summer together. I showed him around our town and took him to all the places I loved as a kid. I don’t think i ever saw him without a smile on his face. Sometimes, I would even catch myself smiling. We went to the county fair and watched the fireworks for the fourth of july. I never really cared about fireworks, but when i was with him, i didn’t mind them as much. He drove me around in his uncle's old pickup truck, which was okay, i guess, but i preferred to take my car. He met my mom and my sister. We played card games and had dinner a few times, but i didn’t want them to get attached because he was leaving at the end of the summer. We would sneak out late at night and drive around. He even fixed my radio so we could listen to music. He showed me his favorite songs, and eventually, they became my favorite too. On the last day of summer, I took him back to the lake. 

“I want to show you what I was doing the night we met.” I said to him as I parked my car. I took my boots off and set them on the back seat, like I usually do. He didn’t say anything, but he took his shoes off too, and placed them next to mine. We walked down to the end of the dock and sat down , with our feet hanging over the edge. 

“I used to come here a lot. Whenever I wanted to feel something.” I looked at the water. “I haven't been back since that night.” I hadn’t needed to. I had felt lots of things during my time with him. I had almost forgotten about this lake. I dipped my toes into the water, and then stood up, and reached out my hand. 

“I’m not going in there.” He said. I grabbed his hand and forcefully helped him up. 

“Yes you are.” I laughed. I squeezed his hand, then took off running and jumped into the lake. It was cold, but not as cold as the last time I was in it. We floated up to the top and flailed our arms around. Splashing water at each other. 

“Let out all your breath, and let yourself sink until its pitch black, and you can’t see anything. Then stay under for as long as you can without drowning. When you feel the life or death instinct take over, you swim back to the top.” I explained.

“You’re insane.” Bird said in disbelief. 

“Do you trust me?” I asked.

He paused for a moment, then nodded his head. 

“One, two, three.” We let out our breath and went under the water. We were under for a good thirty seconds, then I heard him swim back to the surface. 

“That was quick. I can stay under for way longer than that.” I thought. I swam deeper down and allowed myself to stay still in the murky water. I could feel the panic set in, but I fought it off for as long as I could. Finally, I was scared. I started kicking up to the surface, but it was a lot farther up than I thought. It was the deepest I'd ever gone. I kicked as hard as I could, but I was still underwater. I was drowning. Praying that Bird would be concerned and dive down to get me, and I would be okay. I had done this a hundred times, I can reach the top. I just need to swim harder. My vision was darkening and I felt my head getting lighter. I was barely able to move. Finally, I could see Bird holding his hand out for me. I reached my arm up and felt my fingers touch his. I was overwhelmed with relief. I was going to be okay. 

Suddenly, Everything was black. I couldn’t feel his hand anymore. Once again, I felt nothing.