As the clouds rolled in my tiny apartment felt smaller. Emptiness quickly crawled into my heart. Holding Anna’s red and white knitted hat, the red pom-pom pulling it to the ground. My body started shaking but I don’t dare change the temperature; she always had it like this. Tracing each knitted stripe with my thumbs about a thousand times it brought me warmth.
A hard knock on the door caught my attention. Getting up to open the white faded door Jake was standing in the deep yellow hallway with the faint smell of cigarettes. “Jon!” He said enthusiastically. “How’ve you been buddy?” His blue eyes and mouth opening with surprise bringing me in for a forced bear hug as I desperately tried to get away. The chill of his winter coat wasn’t all that comfy to be pressed against.
“Hey Jake.” Dismissively walking away back to the cold room and darkened couch. “I thought you were coming around 7.”
“Jon,” Checking is watch, “its 8:12.” Looking at me concerned he flipped the light switch on. “I brought some wine. Anna liked the red right? Because I remember the last tim-”
“Yeah great.” Slouching back to pick up the hat. Jake sat across from me in Anna’s reading chair.
“Dude what’s up with you?” I didn’t look at him.
“Nothing just trying to watch the game.”
“Jon.” His stern voice made me glance at him. “The TV isn’t even on. Dude talk to me.”
“Nothing’s wrong.” Uncomfortably shuffling.
“Did Anna do something or did you do something? Hey if you two are figh-”
“It’s not fighting.” Sitting up and putting my head down rubbing my forehead. “Kind of beyond that.” Clearing my throat as some heat grew on my cheeks.
“Broken up? Split up? Gone? Left? Ch-” I sniffled at gone looking down the hall. This is the time she’d walk out and give Jake a hug while asking if his trip was okay; even though he a few blocks away. “Dude.” He got up and sat next to me patting my shoulder. “Then if she left she’s not the one for you. Jon you’re a great guy and any-”
“I don’t want any other girl.” Firmly stating
“No man, she left you. That a sign t-”
“A sign that what? That it’s my fault. Everything’s my fault.” Putting my head back down.
“How?” Raising his voice and standing. I looked up at him. “Tell me how? My best friend, the greatest guy I know, how?”
“I let her walk. Without…” Trailing off I was pulled up by my shirt. Jake staring me directly in the eyes with his concerned electric blue eyes. “Without showing her how I felt.” A hard smack went across my face. “Would you stop?” I started yelling pushing him away. “It’s obvious how I felt I’m just the worst boyfriend she could have ever had.  She doesn’t need me holding her back and… and…” I held back tears. “I love her.” I whispered in defeat.
“You what?” The words were stuck in my throat. “C’mon man.”
“I LOVE HER!” Yelling in his face. I was warm almost to the point of sobbing.
“That passion.” He put his hand on my chest. “That’s what she wants and needs. Not some other guy. When I talked to her about you she was head over heels. Go after her. Now man” I stood there frozen. Did I really just say that? Out loud? “Go man.” Pushing me towards the door.
Looking back I grabbed her hat and hastily slipped on some shoes. Immediately sprinting out the door and down the stairs; without a coat or gloves, just my sweater and jeans.
Pushing my way through the doors the night sky was sending down light flurries but I couldn’t feel the cold air or snowflakes against my skin. I was too warm. Taxi would take too long. It’s only a few streets anyway. Thinking. Rushing down the busy New York sidewalks, slipping here and there. People stared, or glared, like I was crazy but that didn’t matter.
Street after street the winter atmosphere still felt like nothing on my skin. It almost felt like summer; like when we went camping. The feelings were still there and now they’re stronger than ever. My heart could pound out of my chest right now.
Panting in and out my breath started looking like heavy fog. I dialed her number looking up and down the dark apartment building. She’s here. My lungs felt frozen as my adrenaline was pumping. I gripped the hat hard smiling like an idiot. Glancing around realizing I haven’t been this way in a while. Nothing. She let it go to voicemail. Might as well find some flowers. That’s cheesy too right?
Walking down the street looking through the bar window it was overcrowded. The day before Christmas and everyone’s getting drunk. Classy. I thought to myself as a red and white scarf catches my eye. Putting the hat against the window to compare; they were the same. Anna is here. But not with me. Standing next to a group of men and women talking and laughing. That smile I haven’t seen in months. That gorgeous smile that makes my heart throb.
I wasn’t making her happy. They were. I was too late. But I was already too late months ago.
I held her hat down in defeat. “I’m sorry.” Whispering under my heavy breathing. The winter chills started getting to me. Finally my body was cold and my heart was sinking. “I love you Anna O’Donnell.” Dropping her hat I called a taxi as the snow started getting heavier.