Never let me go, never let me go, never let me go. And the arms of the ocean are carrying me, and all this devotion, is rushing out of me. And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me, and the arms of the ocean…deliver me.

I felt the large salty tears fall over my flushed cheeks, my eyes falling to the phone that rested face up in the palms of my hands. I was so sad and so relieved at the same time. He was gone. For good, gone to be another girl’s burden. My heart shriveled up inside my cobwebbed chest. I felt so guilty for treating him like he was a burden. I never knew how much he meant until he was out of my grasp. I looked up into my beacons of light, blue eyes that were calm and raging at the same time. She watched as the features on my face changed drastically. “He has a girlfriend.” I mumbled, forcing the words out of my mouth. “Come here, cry to me.” She said, letting me fall into her arms, my head falling to her shoulder as I sat on the counter and her standing in front of me. She never liked him, she pretended for my sake, but Lexi never liked him. But I did. I lifted my head from her shoulders and shook my head, chuckling. “I don’t know why I’m crying, he and I were over a long time ago…I guess he’s really gone now.” I said, feeling my throat close up again. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t, nor did I want her to have to deal with my sadness. He left, like everyone else did. He was the one person I never wanted to hate me, or to leave me. But he did both in one phone conversation. He was gone for good. I pushed my slender and long-legged body off the counter and landed on the hardwood floor as Lexi rubbed my back. “I’m okay.” I lied, walking to the back of the hallway, leading to my bedroom. I opened the door to the charcoal colored room and plopped myself down on the futon, crossing my legs underneath my body. Lexi looked at me once more before pulling out her phone and checking her messages. I smiled to myself briefly and picked up the t-shirt I was wearing to bed, the medium sized Merona tee laid over the pillow on my bed. I took off the zombie t-shirt Devin bought me on our first date and threw it in the corner of my room, slipping the grey tee over my tendrils of curls, smelling his cologne and deodorant on the fabric that now clung to my body. I curled under the blankets and looked at Lexi as she sat perched on the end of my bed, looking my midnight colored cat in the eyes. I remembered saying something to her then falling fast asleep.
The next morning was kind of hectic, getting ready and waiting on Danny to come pick up me and Lexi and go to Celebrate Freedom. But the day turned out good, Danny left early to go get Dylan; the guy I was dying for Lexi to meet. I stood in a small group with Lexi and my friend from school, spraying myself with perfume and applying a light shade of lipstick to my lips as I saw Danny’s tall outline walking towards us, a taller figure in a red shirt following close behind. As the two approached the group I felt a smile spread across my face, happy to see Dylan. He was funny and energetic and a freaking beast at guitar. He was also a big issue in the endings of me and Devin’s relationship. Devin was threatened by him and Dylan hated Devin for what he did to me. The day was long and hot and filled to the ozone with the smell of grease and animals that were in the petting zoo. As the sun set and the stars came out to play. Danny, Dylan and now Danny’s girlfriend, Grace, decided it was about time to go to the Switchfoot concert. As my black converse thudded against the dirt floor I looked up into the sky and felt my heart grow heavy. “No, I’m going to a Lynnard Skynnard concert with my girlfriend.” That voice rang out through my ears as I found Lexi’s eyes again, she looked at me, knowing something was wrong with her best friend. “What’s wrong?” I could hear the anxiety in her voice, all day I’d get into this funk at sporadic moments and tear up at the thought of Devin. And every time Lexi would talk me out of them. I felt my insides tighten at the thought of him. “I bet he’s kissing her right now.” I said, my voice sounding hoarse and worn thin from all the laughing that the day brought on. Lexi’s hard gaze softened and she nudged me with her elbow, “Stop it.” She said. She was right, I needed to stop it. He was happy. And I was faking it till I too was happy. Till Dylan could properly admit that he liked me. Until then my mind and my heart would just be put on the ever going “I still love Devin” record. I walked into the arena and watched as the dust filled floor was filled with people, getting as close to the stage as possible. Danny, Grace and Dylan were already half way to the stage before Lexi and I caught up. As the music played and I got into the song, Dylan’s arm wrapping around my shoulders, I forgot all about Devin. I forgot all about the pain that was etched into my heart forever. There was and always will be a Devin- shaped hole inside my heart. A hole that was not only a being of pain but a being of absolute devotion and admiration. He changed me. Not always for the better, but sometimes for the good. He got me excited about my future, about getting married and having kids with him. I never wanted kids until I met him; I never opened my mind to the opportunity of it until I met him. I’ll forever love him. But he’s in love with her now and I need to be happy for him and move on, that’s the smart thing to do. That night when I got home from the concert I fell into the thought of not thinking of Devin for a while now. And it worked.

Dylan is an ass and Devin is gone. Dylan can’t like me he says because I am still not over Devin and Devin doesn’t like me because he thinks I am dating Dylan. Which I’m clearly not, and the fact that Devin has Kassidy. I say her name with such hate etched into that one word. Dylan is telling me I’m negative and that I have no self- esteem, well of course I don’t. Try dating Devin Gordy and then tell me how confident you feel afterward. I then broke the promise I swore myself in to. “Never to think or dwell on Devin Anderson Gordy again.” I suddenly saw his blue eyes in my mind and felt his cool fingers wrapping around my warm ones. I could smell the softness of his neck against my nose, he always smelt like leather, clean and erotic, like a man. “Crap.” I mumbled to myself. I went into the bathroom and splashed my face with water. “He doesn’t miss you Kaylee; just forget about him, he’s never coming back.” I thought silently. “If you truly love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it was meant to be.” I had let him go so many times before and he came back. But this time felt different, it felt permanent. He was gone, he left me. He didn’t want me anymore; he wasn’t in love with me. I wasn’t in love with me anymore. I wasn’t the same girl. He and I changed each other for the better. I hope Kassidy got him back to his old self, the one I fell in love with. He loves her. And I still love him. But it’ll pass, it always does. Keep calm Kaylee, it’ll pass. As I looked into my reflection that stood across from me, head down and bent over the sink. My brown curls plastered to my face; my brown eyes low and sad. I could feel a sudden burden lift from my heart as I let the tears of release fall from my eyes, landing into the sink; making a drip drip sound. He was a monster to me, he was an ass and I let him be that to me. I let him control me because I was too scared to lose him, to lose the one man that ever loved me. He lied and cheated and manipulated me until I broke. Then he’d come around, pick me up and dust me off and then hit repeat, sending my heart into anguish after he left again. I was no angel either, this I know. I was untrusting and cynical and bitter, I too changed. I too wasn’t the person he fell in love with. We both changed into people we didn’t like. But she changed him back. And that made me smile to myself, he was back to the Devin I loved and Kassidy was the luckiest girl because that Devin was the jewel of the world. He was the prince charming in the stories. He was poetic and charismatic and passionate and beautiful. He was the other half, or so I thought. We were young and in love. It got complicated and it fell apart, like a lot of things that happened in my life around the same time. I truly believe I let my father’s death affect me more than I lead on. I lost my dad and then I lost my love. But I set him free, and if he comes back I’ll take him, forgetting everything of the past and making a future. If he doesn’t I’ll move on and find someone to be half the man Devin was. I came to a revelation that night, standing in the dimly lit bathroom, water and tears dripping from my chin, my brown hair falling over my liquid brown orbs. The words I knew I wanted to speak for months were finally ready to come out. I was scared that even the emptiness of my bathroom, the silence of my loneliness would reject them and shun them into the dark part of my locked up heart; the heart that had only one owner. And as I spoke this owners name in my mind it felt so much better to say it out loud. The words danced on the tip of my tongue, fighting to break through the seal of my lips and finally be out there. Even though it was in the quiet and no one was around to hear it, he would know it one day. “I forgive you, Devin.” Relief flooded over my senses as I turned off the bathroom light and walked backed to my room, falling into bed with a smile. I’ll always love Devin; I just hope that he loves her like I love him. Unconditionally and unblemished. I couldn’t help but look over at a picture of myself that my friend took the day I let Devin go, I looked happy, but I knew how I felt in that moment. I was crushed. What made the picture even sadder is that around my neck was the ring I symbolized me and Devin’s engagement. I was no longer the heart of the sea; I was just me, ready to put myself back together again. All in the name of love.


Though the pressure’s hard to take, it’s the only way I can escape, it seems a heavy choice to make, but now I am under. In the arms of the ocean, so sweet and so cold, and all this devotion, I never knew at all, and the crashes are Heaven, for a sinner released, And the arms of the ocean, deliver me.