I went to school this morning, not caring about the world. I was just glad that Allainai didn't get up in a bad mood this morning because of Michael. There is a routine that I have grown accustom to when I get up in the morning for school. It annoys me on the mornings that I have to wake up earlier, but I live.


On my way to the bus stop, Allainai asked me if I want to walk instead of waiting for the bus. She had some work to do, and I didn't feel like standing around for ten minutes. Michael, being the crybaby that he is, started saying that he'd go tell on us if we didn't bring him along.


"I don't want him to come," I whispered to Allainai.


"Neither do I," she whispered back.


I had a plan to get rid of him. The time that we take to walk to school is the time we take to tell each other what goes on in our lives in the classes that we are in. Michael doesn't need to know that stuff.


We told him that he should walk with his friend a different way that we were walking. It was very simple, but he was in love with the idea, so Allainai and I didn't have to deal with him. The only set back: Michael would follow us anyway.


"Crystal."


"Hmm?" I turned to her.


She had the devil's smile on her face. "Run."


I laughed as she took off. I could barely keep up with her; my backpack was so heavy, thumping against my spine. She giggled and giggled as she ran.


Laughing, and almost out of breath she called to me as we ran on this windy day, "Come on, Crissy! You know you can catch me! Almost there, just a little farther!"


I was dying trying to catch her. "Don't . . . Call . . . Me . . . Crissy!" I said between breaths.


"I'll call you what I want, Crys!" She continued to run and laugh until we reached the crosswalk that led us onto the school campus.


There was an unusual amount of traffic this morning, which left me a little worried that Michael would be stupid about crossing the street.


"Don't worry, he's not that retarded." She said, reading my mind, as usual.


When the light turned green, Allainai and I started to cross. We were the first ones there, before the cars stopped at the red light, so we got to go before they did, for courtesy. But, some old lady wasn't paying attention, and made a left-hand turn in front of us.


Luckily, I was behind her, and I was paying attention to all the cars around us, and I yanked Allainai back, out of harm's way. She gasped and gripped my arms, frightened.


I made some smart remark about how the old lady drives, and that loosened the mood. It made her forget about how scared she was, and she laughed . . . and laughed.


She continued to laugh until we were on campus, and she still laughed.


"It wasn't that funny!" I chastised her. What I said was lost on her; she was long gone.


It was at that moment I decided to leave her where she was, and go talk to my other, more sane, friends.


Unfortunately, Allainai decided to follow me. Rose was normally the crazy one. Now, that seemed to change to my sister. Rose gave me a look that said, "What the hell?".


I just shrugged, opting not to answer the question. I wasn't going to explain the fact that Allainai had completely lost it over the small topic of a stupid old lady joke. Rose didn't press the subject, knowing that I wasn't about to tell her exactly how crazy my sister really was.


It was sad. It was just sad that Allainai decided to laugh at the silliest thing.


I told Allainai to stay where she was so that I could talk to Rose. She wanted my opinion on something, and I didn't need to hear Allainai's laughter in the background.


"Okay, now that Allainai's laughter isn't distracting me, what exactly did you want my opinion on?"


"I didn't really. I just wanted to ask about you and Taylor."


"Ask about what?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.


Rose had a very devilish smile on her face when she said, "So, have you kissed yet?"


I shook my head in a no. Rose asked me this question every single day. I am almost getting sick of it. It's only been eight days. How would anyone kiss their boyfriend in less than ten days of going out with them?


But I do want him to. I really like him. He's so sweet and kind to me. I would never let go of him if I could. I absolutely love his hugs.


"Oh, Crriiiissy!" I heard Allainai sing.


My heart jumped when Rose rolled her eyes at me. I knew exactly who it was. I looked past my best friend, and saw him. Taylor. Today, on a Monday, he is always in all black. Any other day of the week, it's blue or red, but I love seeing him in black.


He has really dark hair, awesome brown eyes, really light skin, and just strong enough to have him hold on to me tightly without him being a jock (gag me). Just the boy I wanted to see. He's a junior and I'm a freshman (hold it!), but I'm fifteen and he's sixteen (and he'll stay sixteen until the middle of summer). I got the older side of my year, and he got the younger side of his.


The unfortunate thing is I don't think Rose likes him very much. He used to be the boyfriend of one of our other friends, but he broke up with her, and fell for me, which I feel bad about, but I can't really do anything about it. I mean, I love him.


He came over to me, and squeezed me really tight. I practically moaned he squeezed the breath out of me so fast. He let me go and I smiled at him.


"So, how are you doing?" he asked me with a slight stress on the word you.


"Fine," I said, feeling flirty. 




10/24/12
10:26 A.M.
Dear Diary,

Shhh, I'm writing in the middle of class. But anyway, Rose told me just before class started that she wanted me to break up with Taylor. Is she nuts? She knows that I love him. I can't change that. I just don't know why the heck she would say something like that.

I don't know if I can be friends with someone who doesn't support me in the things I do. I mean, I supported Rose even though she dated this awful guy that made her want to kill herself. I mean, hypocrite much?

She says she doesn't want me to get hurt, but I won't. He's not like that at all. He only cares about me, and is very patient with me, even though I might not be with him. *Sigh* I love him so much . . .

Oh, Taylor told me that he had somewhere that he'd like to show me today. I have no clue what he is talking about, but I guess I'll find out in . . . five minutes. The bell rings at 10:34, so I thought I'd kill some time.

But I so can't wait! 




"Hey," I heard behind me.


I spun the long way around to face him, not knowing exactly where he was standing. Taylor put his hand on my shoulder, and led me around to one of the buildings that I had never been in before. I know it connected to the cafeteria somehow.


"This is where I go when I'm alone. I've only been here with someone once."


He walked up to the stage door, and pulled on it; locked. I heard him swear under his breath. I smiled, amused by his amused frustration. He walked on, down the short hall, to another door, this time labeled auditorium. This door was open.


Taylor swiftly turned around, and motioned for me to follow him. I walked into what I thought was a room at first, but quickly found out that I was on the stage of the auditorium. The place for the audience was dark, but fairly lit on stage.


He walked across the stage, his footsteps sounding very loud in the quiet auditorium. I followed, much more silent, knowing that we weren't really supposed to be here during lunch. Taylor's form disappeared around a corner, and I lost him for a second. I caught his foot going into a hallway that was completely pitch-black. I took a couple of steps into the hall, and kicked his backpack, so I put mine down right next to his.


I stopped for a split second, listening for his breathing, which was also loud in this hallway. I put one hand on either side of the hallway to find out where the walls were on either side of me, and then put them out in front of me, searching blindly for his form. My fingers came up against his chest, and he pushed into me, making my breath catch in my throat. I felt his hands run up my arms, circling around my back and waist, pulling me into him for a tight hug.


It felt so good, and so right to be here in his arms, pressed up against him, without the worry of somebody seeing us and saying something about it. I wanted to be there forever with him, breathing in his scent, and soaking up that feeling of perfection when I am in his arms.


He let go too soon, and backed away from me. I felt so naked without him close to me anymore. I felt a tug on my calf, and I just about kicked Taylor in the face, he scared me so bad.


"Here, sit down next to me," I heard his whisper from below me.


I backed up against the wall, and hit my back hard on the railing. "Ow," I moaned.


"What?"


"I fell up against the wall, and didn't realize that there was a railing running along the hallway." I could almost see him smiling to himself at the stuff I did to myself. He took my hand, and guided me the rest of the way down to the floor, and he put his hand on my right knee, while my legs were crossed. As soon as I got my legs situated beneath me, Taylor laid his head down on my shoulder, and I pushed my cheek into his hair.


We stayed that way, neither of us talking, just enjoying each other's company. He lifted his head, and he said, "I love you so much."


"I love you, too," I said, smiling.


I started getting some of my night vision, sitting in the dark hallway, and I could see him smile back at me. I barely saw his light skinned fingers in the air beside my head, as he ran his fingertips along my jaw line to my lips. He just let his index finger run along my bottom lip, and I felt my whole body tense up, wanting him to put his hand behind my neck and just pull me into it.


Taylor chuckled.


"What?" I asked, coming out of my trance.


He shook his head, thoroughly amused by me. "You so want me to kiss you. You were leaning forward the entire time."


I blushed; embarrassed that he was so blunt with my desires. I looked down, sure that he couldn't see me, and nodded slowly. 




10/24/12
11:26 A.M.
Dear Diary,

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! He kissed me!!!

Ok, he didn't actually kiss me. The bell kept us from that, but almost. My heart just keeps jumping every time I think about how he almost kissed me.

Ok, Ok, we were sitting in the auditorium, and he got real close and asked me if I wanted to kiss him. (At this point he had his arms around my shoulders) I just shrugged, really wanting to, but not really confident about admitting that to him.

He then pulled my body closer, while making sure that I could lean back enough to get my lips on his. Taylor moved real slow, almost like he didn't want to scare me, or he was giving me a chance to move back away from him if I decided that I didn't really want to kiss him. But I wanted to sooooooooo bad! I closed my eyes, and just stayed where I was, and tilted my head back, expecting that kiss. I felt his breath, then just the tip of his top lip, and

RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The bell just about made me jump right out of my skin, and I pulled away from Taylor because of it. *Sigh* Maybe I'll get that kiss later. Allainai is so going to laugh at me because of this.

She's going to ask me why I didn't jump forward to kiss him, blahblahblah. Whoohoo . . . Let's go.

Crystal out. 

Friday.


"Has he kissed you yet?"


"No, Allainai, he has not," I said tiredly.


"Well, do you know when?" She asked.


Allainai continuously asks me if Taylor kissed me, and has for the past nine days. I was just about fed up with it. I ignored this last question, told her to shut up, and hurry up to school.


We head out, thankfully without my brother in tow. He wanted to walk down the hill to the bus stop, but Allainai were having no part of that, and walked up the other direction to school, just so we could walk and talk.


"Do you mind?" I asked after Allainai after she asked me about Taylor for the umpteenth time.


She told me that she was sorry, and hugged me while we stood at the crossing and waited for the light to turn green. We started one of our famous poke wars, Allainai taking the first shot at me. I poked her back, and she started the whole war, which waged on until the crossing said for us to go.


Allainai took one step into the street ahead of me, and I chased after her, meaning to get her one last time. She turned around, and ran backwards, laughing at me. She opened her eyes, and that smile on her face disappeared as she stopped moving.


Time slowed for me. I was still moving at the same speed, because I stopped just in time to say, "What's wrong?"


But she never heard me, for that entire time I stared at Allainai; she had opened her mouth in a silent scream that I would never hear. She looked and pointed to something I would never see. She held for me a terrible memory that I would never remember . . .

1/17/13
6:05 A.M.
Dear Crystal's Diary,

This is Allainai writing in place of Crystal. She is . . . still in the hospital. I've been told that she has suffered some major head trauma that has caused some damage in the part of her brain that controls her memory. She can remember who she is, and she can name all the people at home no problem; she can even remember short-term things! That's a good sign, right?

The only thing is, even though she knows who we are, she doesn't know who we are to her. I don't understand it at all. She doesn't know that she's friends with Rose, that I live with her and she tells me EVERYTHING, and worst of all, for me, she can't remember that Taylor is the one boy I truly believed that she loved. Like, when-they-get-out-of-high-school-they're-gonna-get-married love.

It's so bad. When that car hit her, I just thought that she had died. I actually almost wish she had. She doesn't know anybody at school anymore. Everyone is going to come up to her and tell her that they're glad to see that she's okay, but none of it is going to come through.

She'll be back at school on Monday, but I'm scared. She doesn't even know what happened to her. If anyone could have seen her; on the street or in the hospital, everything was just awful. Her face was very badly beat up. She's not that beautiful girl that looked like she could be a model anymore; she's now just a shell of that beautiful girl.

There's no way to explain how she looks now; just below average. I'm sure makeup could hide what happened to her, but someone could always see some scar that marks her face . . .

I fear the day she goes back to school. Thankfully, the doctors made her wait until the abrasions (?) healed on her face and arms. She had broken a couple bones in her face, two ribs were fractured, and her ankle was broken and shattered. She will never walk the same; they're making her leave with a brace.

She was so close to death. Her heart stopped twice, while they were trying to save her. And after they got her stable, they had to keep constant surveillance on her for at least a couple weeks.

Now, she is pretty much better, but her memory is affected. She will feel like the new kid at school. I don't understand how the human brain works, but the doctor was saying that what happened to her shouldn't have. He said it's the strangest memory loss case he had ever seen. Apparently, Crystal had something wrong with her brain to begin with.

"If she can't remember those people at school, she shouldn't be able to remember the Trig that she learned over the summer," he said to me when I asked him what he meant.

"So, that means, before . . . the accident, I knew who you were, Allanah?" I started crying then. The doctor asked me what was wrong. I was ready to puke.

"My name is not Allanah, it's Allainai, and I've lived with her since last year. We know everything about each other! And she can't even remember me, no matter how much I tell her everything AGAIN!"

I stormed out of the hospital to Mom, wanting to die. I miss the old Crystal. . . 

I opened my eyes and there she was, again, this time with a backpack next to her. I opened my eyes wider to get a better look at her, and she took her hand off my shoulder.


"What is it?" I mumbled.


"It's Allainai. You go to school today, remember?"


Oh. That was it. That's why it's still dark outside.


I sat up, looking around groggily. Allainai had a set of clothes tucked underneath her arm.


"I think you're still a B cup, right? I don't think their feeding you enough," she said smiling. "I brought both you're A and B sizes just in case, and here's some jeans that I know fit, and you're brown semi-long sleeved shirt. Are you ready?"


I nodded, saying nothing; I took the clothes from her, checked to make sure the curtain separated me from the other patient and the windows in the room, and proceeded to get dressed, all the while thinking, Jeez, that's really embarrassing to have her talking about my bra size when I barely know . . . uh . . . remember her. Afterwards, I looked down at myself, and spun slowly for Allainai to check me out. "So, how'd you do? Personally, I would have preferred shorts-,"


"It's the middle of January-,"


"Never mind, then." I said, amused. Has it really been that long since the accident?


"Crystal? I've got some good and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"


"Um, how about the good?"


She smiled almost painfully. "The doctor told me that your memory actually could return. He doesn't know how or when, he only knows that it possibly could."


I looked at her quizzically. "Meaning?"


Allainai started to look uncomfortable, and I wondered what she was thinking about. Maybe if I knew her like I used to, I would know what she was thinking, but right now, I was just looking for some answers. "Meaning, that if something that is close to you, triggers something in you, then you could possibly get your memory back, basically saying that it's not gone forever, but you will be changed, and never the same person again."


"Ok, well that sounds like some bad news to me, so what's the bad news?"


"We're gonna be late for school."




"Oh, Crystal, I heard what happened to you! I've missed you so much!" Some girl grabbed onto me, and practically broke into song at my arrival.


Allainai was by my side automatically. I stepped back away from this girl, taking her by the shoulders, and holding her at arm's length, taking in her face, trying to get anything that I might recognize out of her green-flecked brown eyes to help with my memory. I took another step back, and shook my head.


"Crystal, this is Rose. She's your best friend in the whole world, next to me." She looked to me for some kind of clarification.


"I don't know her. Or rather, I don't remember her."


Rose didn't understand what was going on, and I could tell. "Rose, Crystal can't remember who you are, because her memories have been suppressed. There are no memories of you in her mind at all. There was some heavy trauma to her mind and body . . . that I don't think can or will be fixed."


"So, she is gone to me . . . forever?"


I looked at Rose with such a sympathetic look, that she believed it at once. There was no recognition in my eyes at all. She nodded, and mumbled, "I will try. I don't care."


She looked me in the eyes, into my soul, and said, "For my dead friend."


That tore me apart. I wanted to cry, just for her, because she was sad for me. I felt everything from her; every emotion rolling off of her. I didn't know if it was because of the intensity of emotion that she felt, or if that was a trait in me before.


"Could I feel other's emotions before?" I whispered to Allainai.


"Yes. That was a trait of yours that I always loved you for. I'm good at hiding them; you're good at feeling them. It has always made you hard to upset because of it, though."


I took a few steps away from Allainai to sit down on the wall of the courtyard. She stepped forward, away from me, searching the courtyard for somebody. I didn't know who she was looking for.


She found who she was looking for, standing across campus, and she ran off to that person. I tried to follow where she was running, but couldn't until she stopped in front of him. From where I was sitting, I could see that he was about my height, obviously older, pale skin and wearing all black.


"Who the heck is he?" I said under my breath.


Allainai gestured in my direction, and he looked over. I stood up, acknowledging the fact that I saw that he noticed me. His face lit up in a really big smile that I wouldn't respond to. Am I really friends with him? He looks Goth and he's not really that good-looking.


Allainai ran back over to me, with the boy she was talking to in tow.


"Crystal, this is-,"


"Taylor," he said, stepping in front of Allainai to take my hand and bring it to his lips.


"So, you know that I have no clue who you are, then?" I asked taking my hand back like it had been burned. He continued as if he didn't notice my discomfort and unease in his sudden gesture.


"Yes, and I am saddened by this, but I will bring you back to me, just like I did the first time," he said smiling.


I smiled, just to make him feel better, since I knew that I wouldn't go back to him. Allainai told me that I was his girlfriend, but I didn't believe that for a second.


"Do you remember anything about him at all?" Allainai asked me.


I shook my head solemnly. "There is no familiarity about you at all. I don't have any memory of you. And to be honest, I don't know how you won me over the first time, but I don't think you'll be able to do it like that. I mean, I don't think I like you, at all."


I jumped out of my skin when the bell rang for our six minute warning to get to class. I walked past them both unceremoniously, not wanting to meet their eyes, because I was emotionally exhausted, and just wanted something to numb my brain.


Taylor met me at the bottom of the stairs when I got out of class from my second hour.


"What are you doing here?" I asked not unkindly.


"I'm waiting for you to get down the stairs and have me walk you to your locker, and I usually get a hug. Can I?" he asked with a big smile on his face.


I stared at him for just a moment longer, and stepped cautiously into his arms. He squeezed me really tight; so tight that I couldn't breathe. I was surprised, and my body jerked back slightly, and he let go, disappointed.


"Sorry, should I not have done that?"


No, please hold me again. I didn't answer, not wanting to reveal my thoughts to this stranger.


I walked by and acted like I didn't hear him, intending to go to sit at a table with Allainai to at least talk to her since I didn't bring a lunch.


"Where are you going?"


"What do you mean 'where are you going'? It's third lunch. I'm going over with Allainai."


"You actually spend the lunch hour with me. We, before the accident, and when you still remembered that I was your boyfriend, we would find a spot where no one would see us, and we would talk, hold hands, and hug. I actually planned to kiss you, back in October when we were in the auditorium, but the bell scared me so bad that I didn't get the chance to."


"Well, since I can't even remember our relationship before, consider me your ex because I don't think that there is any way that I'll remember you, and since I can't, I don't think I'd ever even like you, except for reasons that are only to get what I want from you, physically." He looked like he was about to cry from what I said to him.


I walked away, feeling like I was going to cry myself. I looked for Allainai, and told her what happened. She hugged me close, and handed me a white book with a bouquet of pink roses framed in a blue and purple oval.


I took it from her and asked, "What is this?"


"It's your diary . . . starting at the beginning of August. I wrote in it while you were in the hospital. You know, just to fill in the gaps."


"What sort of things did I write about?"


The saddest look crossed over her face when I asked her that. "You wrote about everything. At least, everything about Taylor. You weren't just his girlfriend, you didn't just like him, you loved him. And not 'loved' him, I mean loved him."


"Then that explains why you're so sad."


"No, Crystal, I'm sad because you can't even remember writing about him. That means – I think – that you will never remember him as he showed you that first time. And I truly pity you for that, because I see who you are now, and you will hate him. Only because he will care about you too much, and you will never understand in the state that you are now in because of the accident. You have changed forever."


"So I am not who you want me to be."


"No, you are not who you are supposed to be, by your own choice. The woman who hit you made sure of that. I hope she dies soon."


I thought about those words, and things I remembered doing in the hospital for some strange reason. I thought of what I hated most about her, even though I never saw her. "She will. I already cursed her for what she did to me, and what that has now and is
going to put you through because of the damage done."


And I walked away. 

1/22/13
6:32 P.M.
Dear Diary,

So, Allainai had written in my diary. I've noticed that my handwriting has even changed. I find it strange to look back on what I have written before, and find myself moved by my own words. Apparently, I am a very good writer.

It amazes me that I would EVER be a part of the girls that I hate now. I was a popular! That sickens me down to a level that I have never known. I feel like my face, hair, and body does not match my new personality. It seems like everything on me should be darker.

I told Allainai this, and I swore that if I explained my thoughts anymore, she would take a knife and slit my throat out of sadness, and demand to have the old Crystal back. I feel so bad, but this is who I am now. Until I get my memory back, that is how this will always be. Although, it seems that I am almost the same, except that I've turned hard, and my views on people are slightly different.

I don't believe that I am in love with Taylor. He doesn't seem right to me. Even though he's charming, there is something off about him. It scares me. Allainai was talking to me all day today about him. Talking about things that I had not written in my diary (I wrote A LOT of poems about him).

I'm just sad that I don't even remember Rose, who is supposed to be my best friend in the world. She looks at me like a dog that has been beaten. Like I beat her.

So many people and faces that I do not know. I feel lost all the time, and I feel the need to lash out at people, who want to help, but I just want to be alone, trying to get this memory back on my own, but I know that it is not possible. They're doing some of my favorite things, and it hasn't helped a bit. What will happen if I don't ever get it back?
Even reading my diary, and now thinking back on it, I could say that I have seen it before, but I am not sure if that is just me wanting to remember, or if I am actually remembering reading it again, as if I had looked back on it. I will have to ask Allainai about it. Maybe she will have some answers to this mystery of mine.