I hear my mom’s faded voice from the hall calling for me to wake up. I roll out of bed and try to find my new school pants that still need some getting used to. I barely began to wear pants because I was always self-conscious of how I looked in them. When I wore pants the feeling was uncomfortable because I felt confined in them, like I couldn't breathe. I also felt like everyone was looking at the size of my legs and judging them. I never had the confidence to do it, but I finally found the courage. As I rummage through my pile of clothes that completely covers the top of my drawer, I realize it's spirit week. 

“Mommmmm!” I yell from across the hall. “What's today's spirit wear?” 

“Wear red!” she yells back.

 I walk over to my closet and grab my sister's red school shirt. What if it's not actually spirit week? What if I get dress coded? I begin to overthink it and run over to my phone and text my best friend Matthew. He and I were in the same third-grade class and have been friends ever since. I open his messages and start typing. 

IS TODAY WEAR RED DAY?

After 10 seconds I get a response.

 YES.

I sigh in relief.

OK, THANKS!

I get dressed, brush my teeth, and start putting on my shoes. I begin to brush out my hair and pack my backpack when my mom pops up at my door.

 “Are you almost done, I already finished getting your sister ready. You should have been done by now.” 

I swing my backpack over my shoulder. I fight the urge to roll my eyes. “ I know, I’m going.”

 I walk over to the kitchen, open the freezer, and pull out an ice tray. I dump out the ice and fill my purple hydro flask with ice and water. I walk out with my dog following after me. He loves car rides.

                                           ***

Once we turn into the garage of the school we wait in line with the other cars so kids can get dropped off. 

“ Look, it's the lady that gets everyone in trouble.” I say to my mom. 

She lets out an agreeing laugh. I get off and walk to the back of the cafeteria to meet up with my friends. As I am walking over I run into my friends Emmy and Kayla, I wave at them and begin to walk towards them.

 “Hi guys, did we have any homework for ELA?”

Emmy nods. “No, just read for thirty minutes.” 

“Ok thanks, see you guys later.” 

I begin to walk off and they wave goodbye to me. I get to the table where my friends and I always sit, and of course Matthew is the first one there. I sat down in front of him. He turns to look at me,

 “Hey, finally one of you guys got here. I was starting to feel lonely.” 

“You’re so dramatic”  I say laughing

                                         ***

Once the rest of my friends got here, Matthew began to say how he wasn't understanding what he was learning in math. I turn to look at him.

“Your teacher should write his lessons on a window” they turn to look at me and all say in unison.

 “Why?”

I smile and start giggling “So her lessons are clear.”

They all look at me like I am crazy.

“Oh my god June, you're so dumb” Doli says 

“What was I not clear?” I was laughing so hard my stomach started to get sore. 

At exactly 7:55 AM the bell rang as our sign to get to class. Me and Dani have math together first period. We both wait in line outside the door so Mr. Diaz can check our homework. What if I did the wrong homework? What if I missed something and get an incomplete? 

“ Buenos días June, ¿cómo has estado?”

He checks my homework and marks it complete. I let go of a breath I didn't know I was holding.

“Buenos días. Bien, ¿Y usted?” He hands back my homework.

“Muy bien, gracias.”

I step inside of the class, grab my textbook, my do now, my calculator, and my ruler. As I am about to sit down at my desk, I hear the megaphone turn on.

“Good morning Scholars, please stand for the pledge of allegiance. Put your right hand over your heart. Ready, begin.” 

After the pledge of allegiance and the student pledge we all sit down. Mr. Diaz enters the classroom.

“Good morning students and welcome to your favorite class.”

                                          ***

After period one, the bell for first nutrition rings. Me and Dani walk over to the lunch tables on the first floor. Dani is short for Daniella. We sit down at the first table.

“Do you wanna get nutrition? I ask. 

She nods her head.

“No thanks, I’m good.”

“Ok”

We see Doli, and Andi walking down the stairs. Once they reached the table, I asked them if they wanted to get nutrition and they said yes. As we walk over to the lunch line Andi starts talking about how her stomach was grumbling in class.

“Oh my god bro, my class was all quiet and then my stomach started to grumble so loud. It was so embarrassing.”

The three of us start to laugh.  I try to catch my breath. “Bro, sameee.” 

                                       *****

We begin to walk over to the table with our food in hand. I sit down and open my packaged, chocolate concha. The whole friend group is already there. I look up and I see them laughing at something on the phone. 

“Hey, can I see?” I ask curiously 

They all turn and look at me. Dani, holding the phone, looks up at me and says “You wouldn't get it.”

My smile fades and I continue eating. I am quiet the rest of nutrition. The bell will ring in five minutes. Matthew turns to look at me.

“You good?”

I plaster a fake smile on my face and nod. What if I say no? No, I am not okay. I want to tell him how I actually feel, but What if they get mad? What if they don't actually want to be my friends and just fake it? I begin to overthink of horrible scenarios that always somehow go wrong for me, but the bell cuts me off. Thank god!

                                       *****

As the rest of the school day goes by, the bell for dismissal finally rings. I head over to the Carls. Jr parking lot that is across the street from Mendez. I am waiting there for at least five minutes before my grandpa's black car pulls up in front of me. I slip off my backpack, step inside, and I place my backpack in between my feet on the floor. 

“Hola Darlinina. ¿Cómo te fue?” He sticks out his hand for me to shake.

“Bien,” I answer knowing the truth. He hands me an apple. My grandparents both show their love with food, something I do not mind one single bit. I gladly take the yellow apple with a smile, this always makes my day. 

“Gracias,” I say taking the first bite.

The sweet flavor of the apple takes over my taste buds. 

As we turn into the driveway of my grandparents house I take the last bite and hold on to the core so that I can throw it away. Immediately after opening the door the first thing I see is my grandma waiting for me so that she can feed me. I step in and set my backpack aside.

“Hi grandma,” I greet her with a kiss on the cheek.

“Hola mija, ¿Cómo te fue?” she responds.

“Bien,” I say looking back to today, but I keep the smile on my face just for her.

She serves me a plate of red rice with chorizo on the side. One of my favorites. She peeks her head out of the kitchen door toward the living room/dining room.

“¿Quieres una tortilla?” she asks.

“No gracias.” I respond.

“¿Estas a dieta o que?” she says, messing around.

I laugh, “no.” 

She continues laughing for a couple more seconds, but I am trying to watch how much I eat. This food brings a smile to my face. If it weren't for my grandma, all I would eat would be fast food or frozen food. My mom doesn't know how to cook, my dad does but he's lazy and gets home at around five o'clock. My mom and dad are always fighting, there are times when I don't even want to go home because that's all I see from them. If there are days where they are happy, it doesn't last, because they will find something dumb to fight over. Sometimes they even fight over a fart. It actually happens more often than you think. 

After I finish eating I usually wait five minutes in my chair so I can let my food go down. Once my time finishes I get up and walk to the sink so I can wash my dish. When I am done I plop down on my favorite side of the couch and watch some videos in the meantime that my mom picks my sister and I up. She usually picks us up around 4 or 5 pm.

                                          **** 

When my mom finally arrives I am greeted by my favorite person, or shall I say dog, in the world.

“Cappuccinoooo” I say running towards my little black chihuahua.

I pick him up, give him a hug and a kiss, then I step into the white minivan that is my moms car.

Once we finally get home, I go straight to my room. I grab my math notebook, my Chromebook, and my pencil. I jump on my bed and open up my computer to CPM, but before I do, I plug my ears with my air pods and play my music. It helps me concentrate better. After I finished my homework I walk over to the bathroom and I hear my parents fighting over how my dad is always on his phone. I hate how my dad is always on his phone because he is always hiding what he does and it makes me feel like he’s hiding something. Every time he is on it I just get so annoyed. He can spend the whole day on his phone and won’t even notice when we are there and gets mad when we aren't. But anyways, I just try to ignore them because even if I say something to make them stop it makes no difference, it will just continue. There are times when I feel like breaking down and crying to myself curled up like a ball on my bed, but I know this won’t solve my problems. 

When COVID hit I got major anxiety because I was locked up inside which led my parents to fight even more. As a result I got therapy and I still do.

                                       ******

The next morning arrives and I try my hardest to wake up but I just can’t. I Wait another minute in bed while my sister uses the bathroom. I get up half asleep and grab my clothes. After I finish getting ready, I grab cappuccino and head out the door with my heavy backpack weighing me down, on the verge of breaking my back. Today’s spirit week was Disney day and even though I was questioning myself if I should participate, I decide to put on my star wars shirt anyways. If It’s not, then I will just cover it up with my sweater. I arrive, and this time I was the first one there. After a while of waiting, Matthew finally comes into view and walks over to me. 

My day is the same as usual, except today I have even periods, but I still have math and ELA - I have them every day. Today, nutrition was a little better, but lunch on the other hand, not so much. Its as if I am not even there. I bet that if I were to leave and not come to school one day and not say anything they wouldn't care or notice. The only one that would notice would be Dani, but that would only be because I wouldn't be there for her to copy the math homework in the morning.

During lunch Matthew asks why I am not talking and all of a sudden the words blurt out of me without a chance for me to even think.

“Because, how would I be talking if no one wants to talk to me? It's as if I am not even here!” I feel the red in my cheeks rise with both anger and embarrassment. I cannot believe that just came out of me! Oh my gosh, what is he gonna say? He stares at me in shock.

“Well you just have to start a conversation with me.” 

You can start conversations too, you know? Is what I would say if I had the guts, but I don't. Instead, I think about what he said and even consider it. Honestly, this has been happening for a while now and I am glad I finally said something. I felt like if I said something that they would just say that it's not true or that I am being dramatic. Maybe for them it’s being dramatic, but if you were to be the one being left out, it is not the best feeling.

                                      *******

It's already the next day and Nutrition goes better than yesterday. I actually make conversation and enjoy myself while being in their presence. I will try to make this happen more often. It makes me feel loved.

Lunch finally rolls around and I took Matthew’s advice and started the conversation. It worked! It was great to finally talk with him the whole lunch and laugh with my friends. It was one of the best days I have had in a while. Even though I know it won’t be like this everyday, but at least I know I got one win.